It's been 10 years but I just can't let go.
10 words to describe the 10 years in between, between the day I met you and today. Yes, dear, it's been a decade.
I met you on my thirteenth birthday. I was a kid, I was playful, and I don't know you exist... until that Palm Sunday of April 2006. I was at the church with my family. It was a sunny Sunday morning. I was with my friend when you came near us.
You were talking to your friends, joking about making a cuter palm using the leaves of a cogon grass. Ha ha ha! Yeah, funny enough for me, so I slowly looked around, looking for the voice who said that, until my eyes landed on yours. I can't explain the feeling, I wanted to talk to you but I wanted to run away. I wanted to smile, but I bit my tongue. I wanted to speak, but I am lost of words. I wanted to be close to you...
From then on, I became a regular church goer.
After the mass that day, I was expecting that we (me and my family) will head home straight so I could dream of you all day. I was not expecting to receive my second birthday gift - meeting you the 2nd time around.
I don't remember how I reacted at that moment, I don't remember how your face was, all I know is I was happy. Pie and watermelon became my favorite from then on, because it is the snack your dad served that day. I stayed at the corner and he approached me to give a slice. I was a timid young girl. I am not at my best appearance that day, but I am so happy I met you.
Time passed... and I would regularly go to church to see you, rain or shine. I hope the Lord God would forgive me for my intentions then. I developed the habit which I couldn't change until today. Whenever I'm in our hometown, I'll always ask my family to go to that church. Some days I am happy, some days I'm sad. Some days I would see you, some days I don't. Every day I think of you, but most specially, I think of you whenever I am around that church, no matter how different it looked like today.
You became my inspiration, you became the reason behind my smile, you became the reason for every bath, every hairdo, and every new dress. I always wanted to look good even when I am at home, I would keep my posture in case you'll pass by and see me walking.
Yes, I fell in love with you the moment my eyes landed on you on my thirteenth birthday.
I started doing my research, which school you go, the sports you play, the music you love, and many more. I could count as a fan girl. I learned you play badminton, you would sleep with a lot of blankets (or not?), you are a playful student, you got not so good grades, and you got a girlfriend named Marjorie. A high school beau is no biggie, I still like you amidst all that. I still miss you every day. I always want to see you on Sundays. I sometimes write you a letter I'd burn afterwards. Oh, by the way, my mama read one of those, the one I kept for a while before burning, so I stopped writing.
Nonetheless, I didn't forget you, I didn't un-love you, and everything stayed as they are, except for the letter.
Given my desire to be close to you, I did everything at my disposal to be with you. Another church activity prompted that. It was an overnight activity at the church, coupled with a mass the following Sunday. I wasn't with you overnight, but I did a trick that would bond us together.
Yes, it was my entire plan.
That Sunday morning when I am supposed to have my first Holy Communion and confirmation, I intentionally planned to have your dad as my godparent. Yehey! Aside from the fact that he appears to be a good dad, it's my own little way of getting close to you. So it happened. Your dad became my godparent, a godparent of my choice. One step closer, if I may say. Next step would be to make him my father...in law... a dream that hasn't come true... (yet?)
Yes, up until today, I am hoping that someday it will happen. Despite everything that happened during the last 10 years, I'm still that timid girl who's in love with you. The past 10 years was a struggle, a battle, a challenge, a trial I willingly undergone.
Before I graduated high school, we were talking. We exchange messages sometimes. I LOVE you and you KNOW me. I'd watch you play during intramurals, I'd text you good morning, good night, and other silly things I'd do for love.
I went to college in a place 80 miles away from home and you went farther by another 80 miles. This saddened me but I accepted the fact that you are now farther away from me. Life as we know it went on, until one day I heard that you dropped out. Your dad even has a local dialect joke for that. A few weeks after, I heard you again enrolled in a school located in the same town I am in. I was very happy then. I remember you took up IT (not sure actually). We're now closer together!!! I still text you silly things and sometimes I use my friends' phone.
We talked a lot thru text, I'm wondering why we didn't say "I love you" to each other. I would sometimes sneak out to see you, not to meet, but just to have a glimpse of you. I did trick you one time so I could come to your place.
Life went on and I am happy. I think of happy thoughts, no! one happy thought, that you like me as I like you. You might say that I am quick to assume, but that's what I feel then, that's what I wanted to believe in. Those thoughts helped me through several challenges...money (or the lack thereof), demanding projects, deadlines, and low grades. Yes, you were both my strength and weakness.
One night after final exams, I got very low grades and fell below the cut-off grade of my major subject. I was sad, more saddened by my mama's nagging. I was very worried. I took the bus going home, the one that passes by at 12 midnight because I am rushing to go home to avoid more lectures that I might receive from my mother. You were with me that night because you usually take that trip going home. I sat with an old lady who later hopped off after a few kilometers. You approached me and asked if you may take the vacant seat. I said yes, yes not just for you taking the vacant seat, but also an implicit yes for you to fill in the emptiness of my heart. We sat side by side and I barely slept on the 6hour ride. I don't understand why you slept comfortably on my shoulder. Sometimes, I look at you, sometimes, I'd lean closer. I tried to sleep but your presence and my worries kept me awake. I can still clearly remember that night, I was torn. Torn between sleeping with you or keeping myself awake so I won't miss my stop. Had I not have worries that night, I would have pretended to be sleeping. I would have gone with you up to the last stop. We could have cuddled through the night. Thant's my first "what if?"
I became busy at school and I heard you again dropped off. It doesn't make me think less of you though. Perhaps, you are going through some challenges yourself. I do miss you, I'd miss seeing you around, I'd miss your jokes; simply, I'd miss you. I heard you went on girlfriend to girlfriend, Louislle, Paula, Carmela, Charmaine, to name a few. I don't understand, I may have been jealous, but I did nothing. I even teased you about your girlfriends. You might have taught me to endure pain. You made me build my pain tolerance. From then on, I have not heard much from you. I became busy myself. I do miss you sometimes, I'd find a way to see you. I'd check on your Facebook, but there it started. I started to feel you moving away. Nonetheless, I didn't un-love you. My love never fades away. I just became busy. Also, I am still under the same impression, that you like me as I like you.
You were always in my thoughts. With that assumption, I also assumed that you were the person pretending to be my text friend whose sister's birthday is on Valentine’s Day.
One day, I heard news. You are leaving for the US together with your family. It was both sad and happy news for me. Good that you'll be living the American dream, good that you'll be together with your family, but sad that you'll no longer be just around the corner, that I'll no longer see you in person when I could find my way, sad that I still didn't tell you how much I love you. At that time, I was bothered by the thought of your girlfriend Charmaine. That's my second "what if?”. What if I told you I love you and that I would miss you?
It was too painful that I lose you before having you. I miss you terribly. Every time I saw your Facebook, I would go back through the last 10 years of memories. I haven't unlove you even when I learned of your dark past. It was very dark I doubted your soul, only to accept you in the end.
When you visited 2 years ago, I didn't get the chance to see you. Apart from the reason that I was busy with work, you also haven't reached out to me. I was also processing my visa application for my project offsite. I was dreamy during those weeks, that if I get my visa, I'd get to see you in the US once you are back there, even just as “someone you know”.
The sad thing is, I was denied a visa, I won't get a chance to see you. The pain was double as it impacted both my work and personal life. I was very envious off your friends who got to party with you, jealous of your ex-girlfriend whom you visited, with your relatives whom you got spend time with.
Did you remember me? Did you look for me? Have you thought of meeting me? Perhaps, NO. This deepened my doubts on my happy thoughts. When I accepted your dark past, I messaged you and you tried to be funny, if not snappy, which made me doubt even more. Do you love me as I love you? Do we stand a chance?
The last 10 years have been so tough, but I don't know what to do. I am 23 now, should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements? Am I ready to face the consequences if it leads nowhere?
PS: In the event that you’ll stumble through this letter, please don’t let me know you read it unless my assumption is right.
