It occurred to me not more than a few hours ago, that I am in love with you. In spite of all of my troubles with life happening and untangling it all, I did. It came at such a funny moment. Washing my dishes. But that's when epiphanies usually occur. When I'm cleaning. My version of therapy. We've known each other almost six months but really been together for almost a month and a half.
And I made a promise to myself this time around when I knew just where my feelings were headed. This time, I would be absolutely sure before I said anything to someone. Because the last time, it went horribly awry and I was never more wrong about a person than I was about him. I didn't really love him, either. I loved some version of someone I thought I could save. I watched him set our coupling ablaze time and time again with this carelessness and had to swoop in every time to put out the fire. I hardly knew him and then the things I found out later…the devastation was not in being rejected but being lied to and deceived the entire time. I find it funny that he still tries to come poking around after almost four months of me ending it. He wasn't a willing participant yet he still wants to be part of my life in some way but he's been shut out and shut down.
I do know, this time around. I haven't told anyone. I am barely admitting it to myself, really. Because I am afraid. Someone asked me if I love you yet and all I could stammer out was an "I…I don't know." Not because I don't want to love you but because in that moment, I really couldn't say "yes" or "no". It confused me. It gave me pause and made me think "Hey, wait a second. That's weird. You had to think about that."
I don't want to rush anything. With myself or with you or with us. It has been over a decade since I fell in love with a real person. A person who didn't have an agenda or was shady and presented nothing but smoke and mirrors and lied through their teeth about everything and who they are. You have been nothing but real and honest and raw with me. Sometimes I want to shake you out of frustration because you just say things that could use a little more tact. But I'd rather that with you or anyone else than someone who lies and humors to save face. I sense that you are this way because you are comfortable and can be yourself and you are right. I take you as exactly as you are and I have already seen how our differences can make things a little sticky at times. But we always meet halfway. You're learning just as I am. You see more into me than someone has in a very long time. It's unsettling because I don't know just HOW much you see. For all I know, you know already. And you are entirely okay with it. More than okay because maybe you too are biding your time and seeing when the right moment will be.
You do get me. I get you, too. I see the ice around your edges melting ever so slowly and I would like to think I might have a little to do with that. You've said I bring out parts of you that you haven't seen in years. A lightness. A playfulness and vulnerability. I see you doing it willingly. In our silences, I'm nearly bursting at the seams but it's not the right time. All I can do is carry this little secret with me but I have a feeling that the next time I see you, it won't be secret for very long. I won't put it into words, no. But I know you'll be able to feel it coming from me and that's what I'm hoping. I think talk is cheap and you know this. I'd rather you feel it than hear any words and there's nothing behind them.
Although, sometimes, I do long to hear some words. Any words from you. What you think of me and what you feel. I get glimpses here and there but the last thing I'd want to do is feel this in vain. Really, sincerely feel it again and it was all for naught. In your touch, I feel the warmth and affection. Anything else behind it, I cannot infer. Sometimes, we need to hear words, too. Sometimes, we need to know. And you. You will know when I know for certain that it's time. Right now, it just isn't, as I said. I fear rejection. I fear many things. You've already done so much to indicate it's me and you. I know it has been such a long time that you've really felt it in you to want to be with someone exclusively. Step by step, I see you doing things that I hope you would that would confirm you are on board. Things done without my asking and they have been. It's heart warming. I want you to do things of your own accord and not because you feel pressured.
That includes falling in love. So that's why I will let this be what it is for me. This is the only time I am withholding and it's mostly for my sake. I think you would understand. For now, I'm just loving being with you and can't wait to touch your face and kiss your lips again.
