To My Older Brothers Friend Who Became More

Subject: To My Older Brothers Friend Who Became More
From: The Girl With Zero Guts
Date: 25 Nov 2016

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't expect anything grand to happen on this trip. To me it was just another family vacation that I was to go on, and it just so happened that my older brother (by ten years) was bringing his friend. I was 18 and you were 24, but at that particular moment in our lives 6 years to me felt like infinity. You were older, handsome, experienced, and a force to be wrecking with. That's why I didn't catch on that fast when I caught you staring at me in the airport while I bought fruit. It wasn't a huge deal, I just looked over and you were staring at me, not even looking the least bit embarrassed. I didn't think anything of it at the time because what would you want with me? In my mind we were worlds apart. You must've been looking at the imperfections on my face, or wondering why I wore such weird clothes, but I was used to that, so why bother making a scene? So, I looked back for a moment before getting my food and walking away. I didn't think much of it.

As a group, myself, my grandparents, parents, aunt, older brother, and you spent the entire day walking through the airport on this grand adventure to make it to our cruise destination. And not once did I glance in your direction. Why would I? You were there with my brother, checking out girls and wanting to "get some tail" during this vacation. I didn't have any interest in you and I knew there was no way in hell you'd have one in me, so I didn't pay much attention to you. Why waste energy? You ment nothing to me at the time. It's funny how things can change with in a week.

The first time I really started paying attention to you was when my brother left the rental car in Florida, and suddenly you and I were sitting in there alone. You in the passenger seat, and I was behind you. I sat silent, not expecting much conversation to occur. I was used to it, even with my own family members. So I did what I always did. I sat there getting lost in my thoughts while you sat in front of me getting lost on your own. We didn't have anything in common so why make awkward small talk?

And then you spoke to me.

You didn't say anything shocking or out of the ordinary, but what made me really confused was how you just started talking to me like we were old friends. Like we didn't just meet less than 10 hours prior. You told me how you and my brother were drinking the night before and got into a first fight, and how your ribs were still hurting right now. And how you almost decided not to come on the trip. Can I just say how thankful I am that you still decided to?

I think, the first thing I liked about you was how you never thought of me as a kid, and when I hung out with you on the cruise ship and talked with you I never felt like one either. I spent my entire life around people and situations that made me feel inexperienced and young, but even without knowing me that well you decided that I wasn't a kid. I found out from my grandmother that on the flight over you told her how I'm "The woman". I snorted when I heard that one. What an odd concept to grasp! Somebody thinking of ME as a woman? Especially when you hardly even knew me. I thought back on that day after she told me and realized we hadn't spoken that much to each other, so why'd you say that? Is it possible that you seen something in me that I never could have even imagined seeing in myself? The girl who still had a Captain America obsession, and who only had her tempts? It still keeps me wondering.

That first night on the cruise, while my brother was getting wasted, you confided in me about personal things. Granted, you were also drinking (but not as heavily), all three of us sat in the recliners by the pool, and while my brothers was making friends - something I always sucked at - you talked to me about personal things to the point where you were almost sobbing from regret. And while my brother was drunkenly laughing off to the side of you, and I sat with my arms wrapped around my knees on the other side, I realized that you were just as messed up as anyone could be, but I didn't think less of you for any of it. I actually caught myself looking at you and smiling when you were looking away. And then later I found out from my aunt who was sitting not that far away, saw that you were doing the exact same thing to me when I was unaware. I couldn't believe it. Was it that I didn't want to, or that I didn't understand why anyone would want to? And then when my brother would turn to both of us we'd look in completely different directions. It still makes me smile thinking about it. It explained our situation so well.

And then you told me about your insecurities. How you knew you weren't "The most good looking guy around", and I looked at you like you were insane. I said that you're wrong, and you told me that you wanted me to say it to you. How you wanted to hear the words come out of my mouth. So I did tell you. And then... you asked me if I would ever date you. You can't do that! Do you know how that made me feel? You can't ask someone that right after sending a drunk text to a girl asking for "nudes" (which I seen you do). But I told you "yes" and then added, "but not currently...". You laughed at that. "Why not currently?" But we both knew why. He was sitting a few inches to your left. He already threatened you to not touch his 18 year old sister - which you told me about a few days later in a heated conversation about the "bro code". Was it because he knew you'd hurt me in the end, or simply because he was just over protective? My thoughts... Fuck the bro code.

That night was a whirl wind. A conversation I'd never forget. Something that would echo in my mind for a long time to come. Words that inspired songs for a playlist I dedicate directly to you. And then the next morning when I asked you a simple question from the night prior, you said, "To be honest I can't remember much. I was pretty wasted." I guess that was just the kid in me that was hopeful, and would think you'd never hurt me without even knowing it. Because you did. It hurt like hell knowing you didn't remember a damn word spoken between us. But after a while I got over it. Getting over stuff is kind of of my new thing now.

I never thought of myself as a Taylor Swift kind of gal. I mean I listened to her songs and I liked them, but before that week on the cruise I never fully grasped the concept behind the words. Take for example "We were both young when I first saw you." If you would've asked me about those lyrics the day I met you I would've said "We weren't both young. I was young. You were a man." But now I see it differently. I think we both need some growing up to do before we could ever make it work in the future. I believe that this was just the part of the story where we met, but not where it ended. You going back to your own state and me going back to mine is just a small phase until we see each other again. Because I do need to grow up, but so do you. Like an apple that shouldn't be plucked until it's at the peak of perfection, if anything were to happen between us now, it would only end in tragedy because neither of us are ready. You're not ready to be with someone as inexperienced as me, and I'm not ready to be with someone who has as many problems under their belt as you. That takes a woman's touch, and you'll probably find someone that can do those things for you, and I'm not her right now. But I hope soon someday I will be. I wish I were but I'm not. I'd be crushed under the pressure. We need time. We need maturity. And then when the time comes and our paths cross again I hope we'll be ready for the responsibility. I think we're the right people who met at the wrong time.

You gave me a 14k ring that you found on the lobby floor. You could've pawned it off for booze money, you could've even saved it to give to the girl you told me you were currently chasing - but nope, you gave it to me and told me to wear it and to remember you by it. But if we're being honest - even though it's the best souvenir I got on the entire trip - I don't think I need it to remember you. You're unforgettable. And it dumbfounds me how you could think any differently. Sure you've done some dumb shit in your past; drugs, cheating, jail, but above all you're a good person who did bad things. And I never thought I'd say that before I met you. Thank you for that, too.

From the week I spent with you - stealing glances when you weren't looking, telling myself I wasn't looking for you in the crowd when I obviously was, and trying not to sound too excited when my parents mentioned your name, I've found that I've grown alot too. Not nearly enough to ever make this work right now, but enough to see that someday maybe it could.

One night while you were completely drunk you talked about hooking up with a girl one year older than me - a girl I seen walking about on the ship. And I found myself getting pissed. I took one look at her and thought of all the ways she was better than me. She was thinner, she had a petite face, she could wear short shorts without having to worry about how she looked. She didn't need eight drinks to make her brave - it came flawlessly to her, and at that moment she easily got one thing that I yearned for the entire trip; you're attention. And she got it without having to do much of anything at all. She just had to stand there, looking like she did. And I hated her for it. A women I didn't even know! And then I hated myself for letting someone - you imparticular - so easily come into my little bubble and pull my emotions around so effortlessly. I caught myself asking question like "If I looked like her, would he have made a move already? Does he think she's prettier than me? How can I compete with that?" So, that night I decided to take a page out of your book, and I got too drunk until I didn't care whether or not you were looking my way, or if you were thinking about me. I went out of character and I got so drunk that I didn't mind if you liked that girl or not. And it felt good to not overthink for a night. And then I met a 22 year old guy who bought me more drinks, and danced with me, and sat and talked with me, and held my hand - things I wanted from you. And I loved every second of it, until he told me what his name was. Congrats! I guess you win at everything. You had the same name, and I almost started bawling right there as memories flooded back. But I didn't. Because I looked over and seen you sitting there alone watching us, and just like that I remembered by I wanted to get drunk in the first place. You were also the reason why I left the club early too.

Before you, I was very picky when it came to men. Settling for fictional characters that met my standards or celebrities that I knew I could like and not get hurt by. I had 3 boyfriends years prior from Youth Group and school (if you even want to call them that) that lasted only a few days before I broke it off, so I was as pure and as naive as they got. And you just got out of an on and off six year relationship, so that just showed the experience I had compared to you. It really took someone special to catch my eye, and that was you. Sure I had boys who would ask me out and that I talked to like friends, but they were all teenagers that I could relate to. Do you realize now why you were so intimidating at first? A twenty four year old making advances towards me? I still can't believe it even as I think back on when you asked me "What kind of guys to you like?" and "You're pretty enough that boys will be following you around on the ship" or ""If I was your boyfriend or husband..." It still bewilders me. But you caught my eye, and you made me feel things, and now I'm grateful that you set the bar so high for any other guys. Because now I know that there's someone like you out there and if I can find anyone else that can make me feel like that it'll be a miracle.

This trip though changed me alot. You've helped me make my transition from a child to a woman in a much easier way. And soon I'll be going off the college to find myself as a person, and you'll be around partying and working for a better life, and I hope I'll be able to help you with that someday. Not as your friends sister, but as your friend. You said that you wanted to wait as long as it took for the right woman to come along. Was that true? I hope so. Maybe I'm being childish, and dumb, and becoming someone that I always said I'd never be, but; I have a special feeling in my heart, and I'll wait for you. As long as it takes. I won't pause my life, or wait for you to notice me again, or stop working towards the career I so desperately want, but now I know that someone like you exists and I'm content with that. Because now I can't settle for less. And I hope you don't either. Even if it's not with me, I want you to be happy. Because you're a good person and I pray for your happiness like I do mine.

Our dumb conversations, the way you make me laugh, how you make me happy, the odd feeling in my stomach when I think of you... I've never felt like this before and It's different than anything I've ever experienced. You're different. You make me want to be a better person. Someone who's excepting, and outgoing, and funny... like you.

You're a dork.

You're a jerk sometimes (even when you're not trying to be)

You're a good person.

I wish I could tell you all of this but I don't have the guts. And I'm sorry. I wish I did but I don't.

On our flight back you were sitting alone a few seats behind me and my brother. I told my brother that I was going to go to the bathroom, but really I wanted to talk to you. Like you mentioned before, it'd probably be a few years before we seen each other again, what did I have to lose? But as I made my way back there, right when I seen you I chickened out and went straight to the back of the plane anyways. You didn't know, but I was going to sit and tell you everything. But I couldn't do it. What if you didn't like me and I was reading everything wrong? Then it would just be your friends dorky sister confessing her love for you while you literally couldn't get away. I never want to be THAT person, so I kept my eyes down and kept walking. Sometimes I hate myself. Why do I have such a hard time putting myself out there? I think it stems from my own insecurities. Actually, I know it does.

The days spent on the cruise were better than I could have ever imagined and it really did change me. New beginnings.

I have a feeling someday I'll go to your facebook page and see that your status has been turned from single to taken and it will hurt like hell. I'll cry my eyes out, feel anger towards you, feel like a fool, ignore your snapchat stories as if I'm getting over you... and then you'll send me a dumb video of you singing or something and everything will come flooding back - that's the day I'm ruing the most. How can you stay single? Some girl who's prettier, older, more experienced, and has more courage than me will see you for all you are and nab you up, and you'll let her. And I'll just be that girl that made you laugh a few times on that cruise you took once with your buddies family.

I'm hoping that's not the case though.

Oh, yeah, did I mention that I grin like an idiot every time I see your last name pop up on my snapchat story? No? Well, I do. I'm hopeless, really. You called me "smart" on the cruise, well then why do I feel like a complete idiot when it comes to you? I'm a straight A student, I pride myself on having a good head on my shoulders. I always told myself that I would wait after my schooling to get involved with a guy and have a family, but I guess there was one thing I didn't anticipate; You. And now I realize stuff like this can't be planned and can come up in the most unexpected times. That's another way I've grown. Thanks.

I'm keeping the ring you gave me like a small connection to that week we spent on the cruise - as long as I have it I'll know that everything that happened was real. It's funny how dependent you can become on a small piece of metal, but I know it's because of who gave it to me. I wear it everyday. And even if we don't talk for months, I look down at it and smile.

Thankyou, for everything.

You're a good man.

Love is patient.

~ The Girl With No Guts