I often cursed the fact that I loved you so very much. Being in love with such a gentle, accessible soul was absolutely excruciating and I thought I would never recover from my feelings for you.
Every time I looked at another man, your image would immediately replace their face and I would convince myself that we were meant to be together. Nevertheless, it took me three years to date again as I knew it wouldn’t even be a profitable replacement. You left a painful weight on my heart and I couldn’t even let you go because you were shining with perfection. I used to hate being so weak around you, so embarrassed that I adored someone who could never love me. I was furious that you always gave me a patient and graceful friendship, torturing me with kindness without meaning to. I felt destroyed at the thought I could never be yours, that I couldn’t be more than a dorky witch when your standards were tall girls with cheerful confidence. I often told myself that I could have had you if I were prettier, and loving you unknowingly convinced me that nobody could ever love me in return.
…Yeah, never mind, that’s a fucked-up thing to say to someone.
You never knew it, but I was already deep, deep into the anorexia crap and it was just a bad time to decide to fall madly in love with a hunk. Don’t torture yourself with that, ahah.
It was the first time I had such strong feelings for someone, that I missed someone who wasn’t even in my inner circle and that twenty minutes on a train with a boy brightened my whole day. I cherished our every conversation, devoured every second I spent admiring you and melted with affection every time you encouraged me. Needless to say, I felt shame letting my heart go to such tender extents but now, I am truly grateful to have you as my first love. I had the chance to give you my heart at an age where everything feels stronger and I couldn’t have made a better choice. Well…maybe I could have met Faith earlier, but where would the fun be to meet the woman of my dreams on the first try?
In short, that monologue tells you that you will always hold a special place in my heart, no matter the distance or the years we spent not talking. I will always remember the hours we spent giggling in the changing rooms while Effie was yelling at us. I cherish the memories of our shitty guitar riffs, our messy rooms and the song we wrote as if it would be the next “Smell Like Teen Spirit”. We were so proud to play at prom, so smug as we appeared in our matching suits and jumped on stage in front of the entire student body. I felt like we were on top of the world and we probably were, because it was so fucking small at the time. A lot has changed since then, but your kindness never did.
You were one of the best parts of my high school years, and I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.