To my friends. Thank you, I'm sorry & I love You.

Subject: To my friends. Thank you, I'm sorry & I love You.
From: The extra wheel
Date: 21 Feb 2016

I'm writing this to say "thank you", "Yes, I do care", "I'm Sorry" and for you to possibly understand me a little better.
First I want to say thank you. Thank you for being my friend, my go to people. I've met you at all different times in my life and I am eternally grateful for you. We've celebrated, we've laughed and we've cried together & I love you.
I've watched most of you find lovers, get engaged, married and now have children. And know that from the bottom of my heart, I am happy for you. I can honestly say I only want the best for you. But also know that as time has gone on, and I have watched this happen with friend, after friend, after friend it hurts. It hurts, not because I think you are going to leave me, because you haven't, and you've stood by me, but because it isn't me too.
It's hard to feel like the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel all the time. It's a pretty bad feeling to feel like you aren't inviting your 'men' to come along when we go out together because, well, what about me? I don't like to be the reason you feel like everyone can't go out together. It hurts not having love like the love I've seen through you. Because for most of you, I can look at your relationships and pray that one day I have one that resembles the love you have for your boyfriend/fiancé/husband and your children.
And some days, this 'extra wheel' life gets the best of me. Some days, I'm down right miserable and frustrated. There are times when I just plain can't do it, I have to say no and be by myself. And for those times I want to say I'm sorry & thank you, for putting up with me on my roughest days when you're way beyond that point by now.
And know, absolutely 110% that I care. And if you have ever told me some exciting news and I didn't respond with great excitement but rather an even toned "oh that's exciting" and a simple smile, I'm sorry. Know that I do care and I really am excited for you! But sometimes, on my part, it's just exhausting to have that feeling that it's not me, again. I know I shouldn't have this response, but unfortunately it's me being real.
I know God has a plan for my life and I know that in God's time things will come together for me. I know there will be days of frustration and days of celebration. And some point down the road, this waiting and frustration will be worth it.
But for now I want to say thank you. For putting up with me, for standing by me and for accepting me even with my faults and my breakdowns and for keeping me in your life. You mean the world to me and are irreplaceable in my life.