to my boyfriend's best friend

Subject: to my boyfriend's best friend
From: a total clown (me)
Date: 14 Jul 2020

the weird crush i seem to have on you right now definitely came out of nowhere. i've known you for (going on) 4 years now as my boyfriend's friend. and i've never thought of you as anything other than his friend.

i think the issues in my relationship are what pushed me towards you. yes, we are trying to work through them, but that doesn't mean they don't hurt right now.

i had never looked at you this way, never dreamed of looking at you this way. i've met more than one of your girlfriends in the past, i've been nice to them, and genuinely liked most of them (except that last girl, what happened with her was... really messed up and i feel for you). i've never felt jealous of them or had any negative feelings towards them whatsoever. so how come the other day when you were showing me your tinder matches i felt so odd? sitting right next to my own boyfriend, your friend.

i think it started that night at a barbecue. we were all sitting in a circle, just talking, laughing. i had mentioned that although i've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, i still worried about if his friends like me. you and i were never very close, i would definitely say i'm closer with some of his other friends than you, but you're the one who spoke up. you said that i seemed really cool, and that you just wished i would actually talk more (i'm very shy, i know). it meant a lot to me, i was having a rough night. i thought about it for a few days.

the next time we saw each other was at yet another barbecue, it was late again, everyone was hanging out, you asked if anyone wanted to smoke with you. i laughed and made some joke about how i was clearly a huge stoner (which couldn't be further from the truth) and you said that you actually do wanna get me to smoke with you someday, just because i never speak and you think i'm interesting.

after that, we saw each other at again, a barbecue. i had been drinking, which i don't normally do, and you had been drinking, which you usually are. we sat and talked drunkenly while my boyfriend swam with the rest of your friends. i still didn't think much of it, and was excited to build better friendships with his friends. you told me about your favorite show, something that i've never seen and probably never will watch. my boyfriend teased us from the pool, said we were boring for not wanting to swim and then he teased me in the car about you and i being "best friends" now. i laughed it off, but maybe that would be cool to be.

i think the moment i realized maybe i was feeling inappropriately, was the 4th of july barbecue. my boyfriend and i got there and you greeted us, and brought me a chair. it caught me so off guard that i pretended i didn't even notice where it came from, but i knew it was you. my boyfriend never does that, wasn't raised that way, and truthfully i wasn't raised in a way that i ever expect him to. you were just being... nice? and since we still don't know each other very well it really threw me off. i never thanked you, so thank you for bringing me the chair.

when i look at you, i see many things that my boyfriend is not. in the best and worst ways. you guys are not so alike, almost opposites in some way. although, maybe his childhood forced him to grow up faster. but you are fun, easygoing, spontaneous, and honestly a little irresponsible. you aren't so worried all the time about work, about the future. you're just... living. sure maybe that won't go well for you in the future, but for right now, in everything that's going on, i wish i could be more like you. i wish i could worry less about what is going to happen, and just focus on what makes me happy.

so maybe it isn't even you i'm so interested in, maybe it's just your lifestyle and your views on things. maybe i just wish my boyfriend could be a little more easygoing like you, that he could learn to let go and have fun. i know we're adults and we have to be responsible, but sometimes i wish we could all just live like you do.

not sure where this is going, and hoping to god no one ever ever sees it.