To my boyfriend

Subject: To my boyfriend
Date: 25 Feb 2016

First and foremost, thank you for putting up with my shit.

No one really gets me like you do and that kind of scares me. I have opened up to you more than I have with some of my friends. It scares me that I am now feeling with more depth than I ever had before in my life and I am still trying to grasp that I have the power to love, to fear, and to fight for someone so deeply and I don't know how to deal with it. But now I am starting realize that my feelings are becoming stronger each day.

I may seem distant because I am trying to figure my shit out, but in reality, I just want to be near you and have you love me for all of my flaws (which you already sorta do and I have no clue how...)

I have never felt jealously so strongly before and it put me in a funk. Yes, I have gotten slightly jealous but mostly before we started dating. But the past few days have been agonizingly horrendous with this particular emotion... I am not used to jealously because I have never had to fully experience it. Tuesday was a lovely evening of jazz music and dancing, but it was tainted with some of my past. My ex-boyfriend showed up with a girl on his arm and all I wanted to do was dance with you to show him up (because I am a bitch like that and yeah.) I was on edge for the rest of the evening because of it. I knew that you were busy, but I wanted to be selfish for once and dance with you just to show him up. I was going to ask you, but I could tell that you were tired and not wanting to dance. So I passed on that. Andra played the music for the last 15 or so minutes because she knew that I wasn't happy about Andy showing up and she also knew that I wanted to dance with you and not have to lead anyone (I had been leading most of the night because 90% of the guys are afraid to dance with me). When I got your text about everything, I then became slightly more jealous that Andra was able to get time with you and that I hadn't gotten any time with you in the past few days. The main reason why I was slightly closed off that Wednesday morning was because I was 1: running late to class, 2: I was trying to not break down for the 4th time in the past week, and 3: I was trying to figure out why I had jealously towards something that I have no control over. I ended up laying in my bed Wednesday afternoon/evening ready to go to sleep at 6p. I was so emotionally drained that I didn't want to deal with it anymore. Rachel and Allison knew something was up about it and I told them a little bit of what happened. I ended up messaging Rachel later to talk about it (she was trying to keep me sane) and when I got your picture message, I ended up breaking down twice. I am so not used to such powerful emotions that I fell under it. I'm still trying to get understand all of these strong emotions that I have never felt so intensely before. That is why I have seemed so distant.

I love you.

I never thought that those words would come out of my mouth to anyone besides my family (and a few of my close friends). Who knew that a girl like me could get lucky enough to have someone like you. I count my lucky stars/blessings for each moment I have with you. I miss you more and more each time we aren't together. I never new that I could possess such strong feelings.

Thank you for teaching me how to love and feel emotions to the extent that I do. Thank you for loving me when I don't deserve it. Thank you for being amazing. Thank you.

Thank you.

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