To my best friend that I'll never be able to replace

Subject: To my best friend that I'll never be able to replace
Date: 12 Jul 2019

Hello there, I want to start by saying its 1am and I'm trying to sleep... with the Hope's we dont have any calls to do. Because I'm here doing something I never thought possible until I met you. I have a career now (still in firefighting and EMS). But it's a career that I go to every day and remember I'm here because of you. Most of the time it's alright I'm so busy and I'm around good company that it doesnt bother me. Today, not so much.
Today I'm reminded of everything from the 3 years we were together. I'm reminded about how you saved me right out of highschool from an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm reminded about the conversations we had from the time we woke up to about this time every morning. I remember even if you dont. I remember the "I dont know if it's to early to say this". I remember looking at you confused as we laid together on that pull out couch in the dark. I remember asking you "what?". And I remember how I felt when you told me you love me. How scared you were to be kicked out of the only place you could go. I remember bringing you to my parents and how my dad immediatly agreed to help you. The stress of moving you into their living room. When we worked countless hours to save and save and save. I remember how you were there for me through any issues I had with my family.
Then there's the terror of moving out. That shitty little appartment 2 towns over from where I grew up. We got a dog. He's the best boy you could ever hope for he's my rock now. And so is his sister. I remember picking her up. As soon as we got to the shelter we knew. I paid her fee (because money was my thing it always had been) while you held her and played with her.
Remember the first time you brought me to the fire station? I do. I didn't know it at the time but this would be my second home. The place that I fit in the most. I met the people who I didnt know it yet, but the people who would have my back at my absolute darkest time.
We moved the next year. Just across the hall. Our relationship growing stronger. We both started the academy. I graduated. Without you. Wishing you were by my side in line. But you were there. In the crowd supporting me like you always had. I threw my self into work because I had to. And then you got injured.
And suddenly you would forget who I was. Forget who everybody was. But we could work through it. We would be okay we always were. And suddenly it was doctors appointments you dont even remember, hospital trips at 3am because you passed you and cant remember anything. I was working 70 hour weeks trying to keep us going. Trying to keep beat up trucks running, food in the fridge, food for the animals and importantly keep us together. And for a while it worked. For a while you still loved me.
And then you didnt. Then you left. A month before our best friends get married. And I thought everything was over. But it wasnt. You came back. You told me you would never leave again. That you loved me so much. That I was your best friend. And for the first time in a while I cried because I was so relieved.
The wedding happened. We talked about ours. You told me all the time how much you wanted to marry me. We 4wheeled and drank and loved eachother. I remember standing by the fire perfectly content with the life I've chosen.
Do you remember Disney World? How we went alittle into debt to go? And it was so worth it . We had so much fun. Being carefree and in love.
New Year new me right? I thought it would be us. I thought we would go into 2018 together like we always did. But I was wrong. You left. You said you didnt love me. You said I was the reason you arent happy. That I was the reason you forgot. You left and tried to take the remaining furr balls of happiness with you. We tried for a week to fix it. You made me think we would. When you told me you would love me again because you always do. But it didnt happen. You hated me. You cut ties with me. You forgotten everything I ever did to trh and keep our perfect life together.
If it hadn't been for the amazing guys you introduced me to, your phenomenal mother, and my soon to be boyfriend I wouldnt be writting this letter. Because in the one moment I needed you the most you werent there. Remember you hated me.
I threw myself back into work refusing to lose the little I had left. I started (and still am thankfully) dating a fantastic man. Whose been with me since my darkest moments. I've moved now. It's more expensive by our.... sorry... my animals are do much happier without you. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression thanks to you.
It's a year later and I'm finally doing better. Oh but you want to talk? Okay I'm in a spot to talk to you. You say you dont remember why you left. You say you love me. You say you miss me. You say I was the best thing that has and ever will happen to you. Over months you've almost convince me to leave my fantastic life for a life of being unsure. But you make me feel special again.
And then just like you do you abandon me. And I'm now seeing that this man im with hes the best thing that ever happened to me. He keeps me alive every day. He loves me when I cant be loved. He takes care of my babies when I cant. He makes me a better person. And i love him for that and I will do anything to show him how much I cherish him. But thank you for making me afraid of him. Thank you for bringing me back to the suicidal person I was a year and a half ago. It's as if you like to remind me that I'm nothing. Well im over it sweetheart.
You'll never get to walk all over me ever again. You lost the best thing you could ever have. You lost love. Your mother will never stop loving me. She wont ever stop comparing your girlfriends to me. She talks to me a few times a month by the way. She wont get over me unfortunately for you. And my new guy? Whose stuck with me for all of this? Well he'll be waiting for me at home. And I love him. And when I climb out of this depression hole you've thrown me in time and time again... well I wont be going back. I will be moving forward with mt furr babies and my rock.
The sad part though? Theres a part of me that will always love you. That will always worry because I know you. Nobody knows you better than me. But i can't go back. Even if you wanted me back i couldn't. My life right now? As soon as i shake the remaining hold you have on my emotions, my life will be perfect. With the animals and my true love.
So good bye I guess... to the best friend I've ever and will ever have. You taught me a very tough lesson in emotional manipulation. And I hope you remember that we werent as bad as you said we were. I hope you remember. Because unfortunately I do.