To My B

Subject: To My B
From: Your B
Date: 20 May 2019

I know you need to hear my side of the story...
Paano ko ba sasabihin?
I know you'll definitely get mad.
Nagalit ka na nga eh.
Pero, please promise me you won't go.
Ok the truth is, I'm not a saint ok?
I may have done something na ayaw mo, but I had a reason.
Last time I didn't have any.
So I guess you'll definitely get mad.
It's ok, if you get mad.
But please don't leave.
I know you won't understand.
And that's completely understandable.
Coz you're not me.
And no matter how much you try to be on my shoes, there are things you can't comprehend that I do.
As a child I developed the feeling of hating to do bad things.
Being me, that was kind of a perfectionist, I don't like hurting people or knowing that I hurt them.
That's why kahit nakasakit ako and I feel extremely apologetic and do something about it without that person's notice. I do things to stop my guilt for hurting them. At one time I drew a friend's face on our wall and wrote I'm sorry despite the fact that they may never know about it. Sometimes.. I.. I really don't like doing this looking back at things I did right, which I think is right kasi it would seem like I'm being boastful. But regardless, I still wish people well even if they hurt me too.
It's only recently that I've learnt not to feel sorry about everything. Lalo na kung wala naman talagang rason kung bakit magagalit sa akin ang ibang tao. Yeah I post my thoughts, but I don't specify any person. Di ko nga kilala mga galit sa akin eh. That's why sometimes I name them, ok maybe sometimes the names are rude. But it's all just part of me feeling their hate.
Besides how can you feel ok when people are showing hate against you? I know it's not the Christian way. But I learnt that in this world, for you to survive sometimes you have to forget the Christian way. Not because you want to but because you need to.
I learnt that you can never be 100% nice. And people are the same. I don't expect them to be 100% nice either. But you know what? I've also learnt that sometimes, you can find the nicest people inside the minority, within those people who may seem that what they are doing is bad. Like those who smoke. Not all of them are bad. Nung nakaraan nga, well I dunno if my post reached them pero they were nice enough to help me find my old classmate's house. Although sana they control smoking na lang kung hindi nila mastop totally.
I also learnt a lot of things in these past few weeks.
Now I wanna talk about being overweight.
I don't feel anything at all about the rude nicknames they throw at me as a child. Kasi pag bata ka kahit mataba ka, cute ka pa rin sa karamihan ng tao.
Pero pag tumanda ka na. Nag-iiba na trato ng ibang tao sayo. Mas often ka nilang pupunahin. Sometimes nakikisakay na lang ako sa mga jokes kahit medyo nakakainis.
But at least I'm exercising now everyday. And taking caution of the amount I eat. Yes sometimes I eat too much pero bumabawi naman ako sa exercise and diet afterwards.
But anyways I want to talk about that. That one habit you don't want me doing.
Noon siguro mararason ko pa ang mga negative feelings I get from my daily experiences and not being able to have a peaceful reconciliation with family. Now it has only just become a habit. A habit I want to stop. Although I still do feel negative emotions. And sometimes you feel restless and the urge and "need" to do it overcomes my sanity.. I don't like my wet dreams either. Akalain mo yun even women has that? Akala ko guys lang. I'm still trying to control that habit so it won't overcome me in the future. I guess I need to be more strategic about this. On how I can stop or prevent myself from it. Since I'm being a perfectionist and all at times, I better put it to better use.
That's the only things I wanna tell for now.