I never expected to fall in love with you, at the time I thought my heart belonged to someone else.
You made me realize that it didn’t.
While we went about getting together all the wrong ways, it got me to you.
To the man that cried on our first date while I laughed uncontrollably because I thought it was cute.
I never told you this but I knew in that moment you were going to be a big part of my life.
You wanted to love my kids like they were your own and you do even now that we’re not together.
To the man my family loved at first because they saw how happy I was.
I remember exactly what changed, a misunderstanding that I informed them otherwise but didn’t matter.
Our relationship changed after that. It became more complicated, and we parted ways.
Six months had passed, and we met up. It felt as if no time was missed at all. I still loved you just as much if not more.
I wish I could describe the kind of love I feel. How you brought me back from the lowest of lows.
How when I finally opened up about my past you let me cry on your chest. You were there always. After you’d worked all day and I had a panic attack at 3 in the morning, you brought the comfort food and would talk to me until I felt I could breathe again.
You never just told me to get over it.
You always called me “your only.”
You held me as I felt a piece of me die when one of our babies did. You also always reminded people that just because she is gone she’s not forgotten.
You stayed up late after work when we moved in together to help with my kids, to make sure they got up and dressed, got them off to school when I was depressed over our loss that I couldn’t.
You never missed an important moment throughout the rest of a difficult pregnancy.
You gave me the strength and courage to continue to breastfeed when I was at my wits end.
All of the hours of your life you will never get back from playing with my hair till I fell asleep.
I’ll always remember everything you did to make sure the kids were taken care of; so I could spend those last few days with my dad I got to be with him as he passed thanks to you. You did this again after my brother died.
You did all this without me having to say a word. You just called and told me everything had already been worked out.
Then at some point, I stopped appreciating all of the wonderful things you did. I stopped showing you how much I love you, how much I appreciate you and how attractive I find you.
Even after everything you did for me. I didn’t reciprocate.
I let the darkness take over my life.
Instead, I started to get upset and jealous; I focused on the mistakes you made. I started nitpicking everything you did. Something I regret so much because I took you for granted.
I let what others said about you get to me.
I let my depression take over my life instead of trying to find the hope to continue.
I still fought for you to my family, and I always will but it became so difficult; to be invited to family events but asked to exclude you. The comments I would get when I brought you around anyway.
I realize that I’d mentally checked out of our relationship. I stopped trying to have a life. Stopped trying for us.
I stopped caring if we fought, if you left. I stopped communicating.
I thought there was just too much damage to come back from.
I understand why you left and how ultimately you did it for me, and for us. For us to make the changes we both need to have a happy, healthy relationship. Hopefully with each other.
God, I can’t apologize enough for this.
I know that it wasn’t all just me but that’s what I’m focused on right now.
I have to better myself. I have to find myself again.
I need to wake up and enjoy life.
But please, know from the bottom of my heart.
I love you.
I want you.
I know I’m taking small steps in the right direction, and my promise to you is that I will continue to do, no matter what.
I still have so much love for you and I can’t imagine the day that I won’t.
All I can say now is; if we get the chance to do things the right away, I’ll never take you for granted again.
I want all those things that used to drive me crazy.
How loud you snore when you lay on your back.
The biggest grin you give me when I have to tell you that you’re right. How you would tell me I’m the prettiest girl in the room even if I’m in sweat pants with no makeup on.
I hope you can really live during this time.
Do all the things I asked you to miss out on.
Live babe, you deserve this.