To my Abusive Ex Step-Father

Subject: To my Abusive Ex Step-Father
From: Wounded
Date: 4 Jun 2016

You don't deserve an opening line.
You destroyed my life since I was 8 years old.
I was a child, whether I was your biological child or not, I was a helpless child.

While you never laid a hand on me, the emotional scars you left, were quite possibly worse.

When I witnessed you abuse my mom, starting at a young age, that burned holes in my soul.
I will never forget the night you dragged my mom down the stairs by her hair, when you got to the bottom you choked her.
I will never get that image out of my brain even if I burned it with bleach.

I thought that was the worst of it, little did I know.
This went on for years and years.
I watched you abuse her countless times, and while you never touched me, your words that you would say to me were worse than poison.

As I have aged, and after you have finally been out of the picture, I can understand that it was mostly the alcohol.

However, while alcohol can be used as a crutch, it is not an excuse. A person doesn't turn sour just because something strong passed their lips.

The things you said to me, I can never repeat. You destroyed me from the inside at a young age. I have no doubt that if my dad wasn't who he was, you would have laid your filthy hands on me as well as my mother.

My mom wasn't strong enough to stand up to you. Whether it was her being afraid of another black eye, or blinded by love, I promise you that I have no regrets for what I spit back at you.

While I am not fully over the words you've said to me.
While I cannot say that your negativity hasn't shaped me.
While I cannot say that it's entirely your fault I don't trust men.

I can say, that you are a large part of who I am today.
I am self-conscious. I feel undeserving. I am scared.

I am curious.
I wonder who I would be today, had I had a positive male role model in my life.

You ruined that though.
I will never forget the day when I was about 7 years old, and called you dad by accident.
I wish more than anything I didn't say that.

You are the reason I lost so many years.
On nights I should have been out, I was home trying to protect my mother.
I was terrified of going away to college, because I truly believed, had I not been home, you would have fucking killed her.

I know you didn't have a dad in your own life.
I just want to remind you that you did a shitty ass job trying to make up for his mistakes.

I am scared of love.
I am selfish for making this about myself.

You never laid your hands on me.
But your words stung more than a fist ever could have.