To the man who raped me

Subject: To the man who raped me
Date: 6 Nov 2016

It's been three years and here I am still trying to convince myself I'm happy. Asking myself everyday when I'll give another man the time of day because I'm deathly afraid of them thanks to you.

I want to thank you for showing me how easily trust can be broken, also for showing me the person who was supposed to protect me could so easily fail me, and that I'm the only person who can truly protect me.

I endured three painful years of physical and emotional abuse. Every no I screamed, every punch, every slap, every push, every bruise, and every scar I've suffered from your hands has made me who I am today. Every tear I cried made me stronger than I could have ever imagined.

I so vividly remember that night and the clothes I was wearing, you didn't even let me get through the door or even take my shoes off before you hurt me.
I said no, do you remember? I said no over and over, I remember. It replays in my head, did you not hear me?

Every tear you watched fall down my face as you smiled and continued to hurt me. Every time you covered my mouth and threatened to kill me when I'd scream. Every time you'd hit me when I told you NO. When it was over you said you "loved" me and went to sleep as I laid there shaking uncontrollably with tears just pouring out.
My question to you is, do you feel shame? Do you see me in your reflection when you look in the mirror? Do you ever replay the pain I went through, or is it blocked out of your mind? When you hear the word "no" can you hear me screaming it over and over again as I cried and begged you to stop? Do you know of the horror, trauma, pain, and actual physical pain I feel everyday?

When you left for work the next day I made the two hour drive home still shaking and crying, bruises everywhere. My dad wanted to kill you for leaving bruises on me, but still to this day he has absolutely no idea you raped me.

I want you to know I hated myself for so long. I couldn't even look in the mirror. I kept telling myself this was all my fault because over the years you had me convinced I deserved everything you did to me. I had to force myself out of bed every morning just to end up back there hours later just drowning in self pity. I'd randomly have melt downs and have to run away from people so I didn't have to lie and say everything was okay, even alone in my room I let out a silent cry because I didn't want anyone to worry about me. But here I am three years later still broken and trying to put the broken pieces back together alone.

You'll never understand what I went through and what I will have to live with for the rest of my life. You took so much from me that I'll never get back.
I do want to thank you though. Thank you for putting me on the path to something real in life, for giving me the opportunity to find a MAN who won't ever hurt me. Who will love me for everything I am, and understands everything I've been through. Thank you for giving another man the chance to bring out the confidence in me I can no longer bring out in myself.

Though my confidence is gone my voice isn't, and even though it's not a voice of confidence, it's still a voice that matters because it's a voice that lets others know it's okay to speak up.

Even though I'm a stronger person I still suffer everyday, you took so much from me. My smile, my self worth, my heart, and my will power. But I can't hate you, I don't dislike you, in fact I actually forgive you because I fail to be a victim, l choose to be a survivor and will continue to be for the rest of my life.

Sincerely, the one who will never be a victim but instead a survivor, but yet the girl you still raped.