To the man that raped me

Subject: To the man that raped me
Date: 24 Oct 2016

You always did have a problem with hearing "no". You were entitled and you had to get what you wanted. I just ignored the red flags like I always do because I like to see the good in people but it has never backfired like this. It was the summer I was 16. I had been with my girlfriend (who I still think was amazing) for two years, I had the best group of friends that I could ever ask for, and I was staying with my sweet grandma because she needed a little extra help being taken care of.
I did have a history with depression but my life was going great at that moment in time. Then one night changed everything. You wanted to hang out so I asked my grandma and she decided to go to my aunts to give us some room because it wasn't a huge apartment. I don't remember what else happened that night because you slipped something in my sprite. I woke up the next day in so much pain I couldn't move. I wanted to tell my parents when they came over that night but we didn't have the best relationship.
I wanted to tell my girlfriend and my best friend but I didn't have it in me to even get my phone. Until dinner that night I just laid in bed trying to figure out what happened. When I could remember enough I called my best friend and girlfriend. They both said if I wouldn't call the police they would. So I finally told my parents and they took me to the hospital. They had me so drugged up on pain meds and std prevention meds that I couldn't go an hour or two without needing a nap.
The next few weeks were mostly just doctors appointments and police. My friends always wanted to hang out but I couldn't and I didn't really want to either. After these couple of weeks everything started to go downhill. My friends knew what happened but still got mad when I didn't want a hug or I couldn't hang out. To this day I don't know if I was wrong or if they were. My girlfriend wanted me to go to NA and AA but I refused. I was drinking a lot because I didn't know what else to do. She wanted me to go to therapy but again I swore to her I didn't need it. I avoided going on a date with her for two weeks after that because I was scared she might want a hug or kiss. My grandma still blames herself for leaving us alone that night and that might be the worst part about it. When I got back to school I told everyone to treat me like normal but of course I couldn't act normal. I needed to leave class early, I couldn't deal with pep rallies or sex jokes, and whenever my criminal justice or political science teachers brought up rape I had to hold back my tears and vomit. But that was all relatively short term. In the long term, my friends and I got in a huge fight and didn't talk for a month but we did make up eventually because they are my best friends. My girlfriend and I broke up about 6 months after this.
We're still on good terms but no one ever talks about how hard it is to date a rape survivor. On top of her preexisting mental health problems I couldn't have asked for more from her and we didn't go down without a fight. She was my last relationship because I'm not ready to put anyone else through close to the same things she had to go through. They could never feel the same way she did since they weren't there when it happened but you get the point. I'm not very comfortable with men hitting on me yet but I just smile along and hope they go away for the sake of not being rude. As for sex it hasn't happened since then. I kissed one person but I had night terrors for almost a week after that.
My life hast been the same since that night but I'm hoping one day I can go back to being okay. To the man who raped me you messed up my life and the lives of the people I loved because you had to have the one girl in the world who said no to you and I can't think of anything more selfish than that.