To the man in my life right now

Subject: To the man in my life right now
From: Your someone
Date: 21 Jun 2016

I saw you today. You came and surprised me at school and I couldn't have been more exhilarated and confused. I wasn't expecting you to come say "hello" for just five minutes. To steal a hug and a kiss. To take a look at me and I couldn't help but be taken in by how the blue of your eyes were accentuated by the shirt you were wearing. My heart was pounding as I came closer to you. I felt a smile breaking onto my face and it took all of my will to not jump right into your arms. You reached in for a kiss and a tight hug. I felt compelled to reach out and touch your face and the few days growth that was on your face. The growth that you know I appreciate and had commented on months ago. Months before we decided to be where we are now.

I don't know where we're going but I think I know where I might be headed in spite of myself. You figured me out and probably have figured out even more without my saying so. I don't know if you know how you have me tied up in knots. At night, I find myself thinking of you before I sleep. I wake up and you're there. I wonder if it's the same for you. I don't idealize you. I'm already well aware of some flaws of yours. You've been gracious enough to be exactly who you are and I appreciate that tremendously. We don't see eye to eye on everything but I think that's what makes it interesting. To be able to have our own views and opinions and respectfully agree to disagree. It means we learn from each other and see certain things in a way we didn't before.

I am certain by now that you can see right into me. Normally, I run from this sort of thing. Because it means I have nowhere to hide and am vulnerable. Because it means you could hurt me in an instant. I have felt myself over the past few weeks wanting to run while there's still time but I can't. I don't want to. I'll risk getting burned because I'd rather that than regret not doing anything at all. There's so much I want to tell you. So much I want to share and I know it's not the time yet. I'll take the risk of you ripping my heart out because then maybe, also…maybe this time I am actually safe. Your ability to see into me wouldn't be a disadvantage. It would mean you would know how to treat me and love me the way I should be.

I have more or less, in my own roundabout way, put the cards out on the table. Laid it all out on the line. Waiting as the days go by to see what you're going to do with what I've put out there. My heart aches silently within but then again, perhaps not. You might know it already does. What you're doing with that information, I obviously don't know. If you are taking your own time to figure yourself out, too. You see yourself in the same boat but it's hard because it has been so long for you. Years How would you handle this second chance? I have a million questions just like you do. Except I don't know if you are feeling as vulnerable as I. If the reason you are so hard to read right now is because you're terrified like I am. I'm just not very good at hiding my fear. You probably see it in my eyes a little. No matter what I do or say, my eyes never lie. So you're probably seeing not just the fright but the loving in my eyes no matter what and I guess it's too late for me. There's nothing I can do except for you to say what you need to say in due time.

You know I think talk is cheap. You picked up on how I felt through my actions and that's a beautiful thing, in my book. It means it's genuine and real because you actually felt it without my saying so. So don't question it if you are. Because now that it's here and obvious, it's at the point of no return. Still…when I am next to you, my heart beats so many words I cannot share because I'm still scared. I can only hope your words are the same as mine.