To the man I thought I needed

Subject: To the man I thought I needed
Date: 2 Jun 2022

To the man I thought I needed,

Never in a million years, did i ever picture I would be sitting here writing a letter of this sort to you. I mean, you - of all people? You came into my life when it was in complete and utter shambles. You reignited a spark that I thought had been deminished forever and gave me hope. You made me believe in a family, in love and in myself again. You treated me as though I was irreplaceable - something I hadn't ever felt before.
In the beginning - I felt as if I were a queen and anything was possible; in the beginning. Then something changed. Somewhere along the lines, between the secrets and lies, trust and respect were lost on both sides. You began to control me and convinced me it was out of love. You wanted the best for me and that of course was you, right?

I'm not claiming I was perfect in the relationship. God knows I made my fair share of mistakes. I hurt you too. But I thought you knew how much I loved you. To our families and friends - you made me out to look like a monster. You had everyone fooled into thinking you were the hero in a modern day fairy-tale here to save the damsel in distress. That dispite your best efforts, I treated you like garbage, took you for granted and completely broke you. But the truth of the matter is that you broke my ability to think straight. You brainwashed me. I thought I would never be seen, respected or loved by anyone but you. You became my oxygen and I felt like I couldn't breathe without you. Countless times after you and I would fight - I would think to myself - this is not the life I want. This is not the life I deserve. I would plan to leave, call off our engagement and start over. But the thought of being without you scared the life out of me. I froze. I stayed, telling myself things would change. You wouldnt call me names anymore when I made you mad. You would let go of the other girls from your past, you would focus on our goals as a family and we would be okay. The mistakes I made could be forgiven, as I would forgive yours and we could live the happily ever after everyone searches for.

But then, the day that would surely kill me came. You walked out. You left behind the plans and dreams we had made. You pulled my lifeline. All at once, I saw my life, my family, my heart, my hope - my everything shatter. Broken pieces scattered everywhere and I gave up. Five months later, I sit here writing this. Still breathing. Heart still pumping. Smiling. Laughing. Living. I survived. I made it through the one thing I thought I never could. I looked my daughter in the eye, and explained that the man she knew as daddy isn't daddy anymore. I hug my son tight when he cries for his daddy to come back. And I tell myself the three of us will all be okay. Maybe not today but one day we will. I do not wish you harm.

I don't want to cuss you out, yell or scream or even cry. I am happy you left me. In your absence, I've begun to find myself again. I'm learning to love all of me, even the parts you thought were too ugly for anyone to love. So to the man I thought I needed - I hope that life brings exactly what your searching for. I hope the woman in your arms loves you in a way I couldn't. I hope that when you lay your head down, your heart is happy and full. I hope the best for you.