I know things went wrong years ago for you. You admitted you were at fault. Since then, you don't really get serious and I know why but you'll never admit it to me. I get you, too. I see more into you than you think. Like when you got just a little jealous the other day and for no good reason. You tried to play it off. You do that a lot. You try to act casual sometimes. As if something doesn't really bother you or matters.
I don't know what to make of you saying that you no longer believe in romance. I don't know what to think and wonder if I should just cut and run now before I get in too deep with my own feelings and invest where I shouldn't. Where it would just be wasted. I don't know if this is you just trying to act like that because you don't want me to get scared and take off. If you are trying to protect your own heart because of where your feelings may be headed.
I wish you wouldn't do that. I wish you'd be completely honest if what you really are is deeply romantic. That you do believe in love but it hasn't happened for you again, yet. You know how I feel. It's understood. I'm not in love with you but I know that I am also open to it. I wouldn't be feeling this vulnerable and scared if I weren't. You don't know how powerless and helpless I feel when in your presence. I feel like I'm cut wide open and there's so much you could do and say that would devastate. It takes all of my effort to not grab you and say "Please don't let me go. Hang onto me." But I can't. It's my pride. And my own issues with being hurt. Yet in spite of myself, I can't help but go where I know I'm going. I won't fight it. I don't know if I will even get to that point. As I said. I possibly may fall in love with you.
Do I scare you? You said yourself that I was out of your league. In many ways and I laughed because you presented yourself with such confidence when you went after me. I wonder if this still lingers in your mind? It shouldn't. I think you are worthy. If you think you don't deserve it, there is a problem. Because then you're going to act like you don't and treat me poorly. Get that out of your head. Do I bring up feelings you said you'd never have again and they're there anyway and you're struggling internally with it? I understand. The fear. The fear of getting hurt again. Of changing your life. Of losing your freedom. Of many things. I can't make any promises. What I can promise is that if we do love each other, that I would never do anything to purposely hurt you. To use your vulnerabilities as leverage. Mistakes will be made but I can promise I'd never say or do anything out of spite because I've been wounded in some way, intentional or not.
There's so much more I wish I could tell you. So, so much and it pains me that I am here and you are there. You won't talk to me and I'm not going to press. I only hope this distance is just because you're processing things and not because you want to go. You've had a change of heart. My heart has been aching for two weeks. Just wanting just the littlest hint that you might feel the same way. As of now, however, I don't think it could be and that is painful. I can only sit tight and let the chips fall where they may.
Right now, I wish you well. Whatever it is you're doing. Thinking. You haven't said you're thinking of me or missing me and that's hard because you had been before. I want to tell you as much but again, it's a delicate balance.
Don't keep me waiting forever. I just need to know something.
