We met before my break-up. I was already troubled in the relationship and knew deep down it was time for me to end it. I didn't really notice you at first. Well, I didn't feel an attraction, at least. I thought you were cute and when you had to introduce yourself to the class, I felt myself perk up when you mentioned working with animals and being in the military and fire department. All things which I found intriguing but I never gave it a second thought because I was faithful to a guy who was not the same.
Things were ended between me and the ex and we began to talk more. We were, after all, spending five days a week together, for four hours a day, in class. You were graduating before I was but we still would talk in passing. Outside or in class or whisper jokes to each other. Two weeks after my break up, I could see you were interested but I was shut down. Still mourning. Still healing. You were messaging me on Facebook and I was a little taken aback. Admittedly, I wanted to tell you to get lost and I was keeping my distance. You had already mentioned you don't really do serious relationships and it sent up a red flag.
Still, I was curious about you and we got to know each other more until I spent a day with you. We ended up sleeping together and ever since, we have been spending time with each other. We never did go out on that date but I guess we have skipped that formality, now haven't we? You've opened up a lot although I am sure there's still more. You say I am mysterious to you but it's the same for me. I wish I could get in your head a little more and see what it is you feel and think about me. About us.
You've already picked up by now that I'm falling hard. You even said those words. Maybe you were fishing. Maybe you knew and wanted to drag it out of me because you know that I am honest to a fault and highly vulnerable. I didn't have to breathe a word. You said you already knew and I was scared. Terrified. I told you that as well and all you could tell me was "Don't worry." But you didn't say anything about YOU. You said you didn't know what to say.
We spent last weekend together and I went home as happy as can be. I was silent in the car only because I was a bit sad I had to leave you. You looked over and asked me "What are you thinking?" I normally hate that question. I really do. It feels invasive. It was the only time I lied to you. I told you that I never get to be a passenger in the car so it's nice to just look out the window and catch what's going on around me. Maybe you picked up on that too. I didn't want you to know that it was so hard to let you go after spending all of that wonderful time with you. Laughing. Talking. Sharing. Just being ourselves. Seeing you. Seeing you with no walls up.
You texted me within 20 minutes that you hate when we leave each other. I nearly went through the roof with joy. Even though times are hard for you right now, you later told me that night that I soothe you and keep you focused on the good without being annoyingly positive. You missed me and wished I was there again.
Yet as the week has passed since then, you have withdrawn. I'm sure it has something to do with how life is going for you. I know it's not easy and you told me a month ago how you tend to retreat into your shell when you are hurt or angry or need to deal with your own stuff. I said it was the same for me but as long as we communicate that, it would save the other person a lot of anxiety. I don't know what it is you have running through your mind. A lot, I am sure. Your future. Your job. Many things that are on my mind as well as I near graduation. You had confided in me last week but I'm barely getting anything out of you the past two or three days. I'm not sure what to think or feel here.
I am scared enough as it is. Being this vulnerable with you. The issue I have is that I am seeing a possible pattern emerge here. The last guy, he found out how I felt (but I actually told him. he didn't guess like you did) and soon, was taking off and strung me along. This sudden hot and cold…it feels too familiar. I want to believe you when you say that what it is I feel, does not scare you at all. You haven't said one way or another, really, what it does for you. If it makes you glad, happy, excited, a little scared, too. I want to think that you're just doing your cave thing and will emerge the same old sweet self again. I want to hope for the best and think it's just that you are processing some strong feelings of your own. Feelings that you haven't had in years and they feel new and scary all over again. It brings up old memories. Memories of things that had gone wrong.
But there's more. Part 2 coming up.
