To the Man I let Break Me

Subject: To the Man I let Break Me
Date: 19 May 2018

First of all, I’m hurt by what happened between us. Yes, you did some pretty shitty things, but I let them happen and I let them affect me. By reacting and concerning myself with your actions, I gave you power you never should have had. I’m not saying you’re a bad guy here, just that I should have left well enough alone when we were through. I allowed your choices to hurt me when they were no longer a reflection on me.
Second, thank you. It sounds weird, but thank you. Seriously. You ended our relationship. It wasn’t something I thought I would ever be able to do, even when being with you made me miserable. Somehow being unhappy with you was better than the uncertain future without you. Maybe that DOES make me crazy. So thank you for ending our dysfunction and misery. At the time, I was sure my whole world was ending. I mean obviously it wasn’t, but it felt like it. Everything changed without any pause. And that was good too; I didn’t just get to sit around and mope. I mourned you and the loss of our love, if that’s what it was in the end. I don’t think it was though really. I was mourning the future that I had always imagined for us, and I think you did too at one point. For a while, when I would see you or hear your voice, I would lose it. It hurt more when you would still tell me you loved me and would always love me. Who does that to someone they care about? But I digress. Honestly, the first bit was agony, but you learn to rediscover yourself, maybe even get to know a person you never did. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to find that out. Thank you for doing something I didn’t have the courage to do. I thought if I left you, it would break you. How naive. But I’m happy everything happened the way it did.
If we’d stayed together, we wouldn’t be making each other happy or even comfortable. Every conversation we had turned nasty and short. I didn’t want to live like that and neither did you. So while I will miss our family and cherish all of the wonderful things we did together, I won’t miss the people we became. Those people were spiteful and boring. It’s amazing how little you will settle for when you’re unhappy. Being left by you made me realize that I could do things again, nothing crazy, but just whatever I wanted when I wanted. That sounds silly, I know you weren’t in charge of me, but it felt like I had to run everything by you and make sure it was alright with you first. I know I did that to myself. But now, I can go see whatever movie I want, or spend the whole weekend at my best friends house eating ice cream, drinking beer and watching endless hours of criminal minds, or sleep the entire time. The point is, my time is truly mine now and I don’t have to ration it out between you and me. In the end, spending time with you was a chore, one I should have recognized sooner than I did. Thank you for seeing that.
I’m not celebrating that we’re through because our relationship was entirely bad or you’re an evil human, like I chose to stay with you, and that is a reflection on me. You gave me love for years and supported me through some really tough times and for that I will always be grateful. Thank you for being my friend when I had none and my comfort when I was low. You will have a place in my heart for life. We don’t speak anymore and that is probably for the best. That doesn’t mean I hate you, it just means we’re both getting healthy. Thank you for the times we had, and thank you for helping me move on. Sometimes being alone does get lonely, but it’s way better than being lonely when I was with you. I don’t know what lies ahead for me, but the point is, it could literally be anything. And that is exciting. Thank you for teaching me about my flaws, and helping me discover my strength.
If our paths cross again, I will smile and only remember the good things. I wish only good things for you now, and hope you think of me kindly. Thank you for letting me go and find myself.