To the man I am turning my back on (JYK)

Subject: To the man I am turning my back on (JYK)
From: grace
Date: 4 Nov 2015

Recently you have been talking with me shorter and shorter, and I am getting scared that you are already getting tired talking with me, that your feelings for me are slowly fading away or might have gone completely away. Or for any reasons you just wanted to break up with me… I wanted to ask you if those things I am getting scared of are true, but I dare not! I am not yet ready to hear your answer.

Every time you tell me you need to go just after a very short chat that we could talk another day, I get upset and I felt like crying. The first few times you told me you need to hang up, I did understand you because your reason is understandable, but those few times is becoming more and more… and you are talking with me lesser and lesser... and I am really really getting hurt because before it wasn’t like this, you weren’t like that… because even if you were tired you still enjoy talking with me, even if you were busy you could talk with me a little longer… that’s why I am getting confused, even if I wanted to understand you more my fear is growing bigger and bigger that one day you would just stop talking with me, that your real reason for talking with me shorter and shorter nowadays is that you really have lost your feelings on me, or for some reason you just wanted to stay away from me. That’s why today I decided to turn my back on you.

It is not really that I am turning my back on you it’s just that I have decided to stop talking with you… because of my fear… I don’t want to reach that day… that day that I am scared of… because if we would broke up at this time, on my current situation I wouldn’t really know what to do, my life would really be on a mess. You know that before you left I made a little bit of a tough decision… honestly I haven’t told you I made that decision earlier than expected wherein one of my closest workmate was really surprised … she asked me why did I suddenly changed my plan and made it earlier, where in if I would stick on my original plan it would be better for me… the truth is I didn’t care because I wanted to have more time and to be with you longer. I didn’t tell you this because I know you would be against it.

My friend was correct, that decision I made puts me in a harder situation now, but I don’t mind because it was worth it. The important thing is that, I had a good time with you. We made lots of happy memories, memories that I would never exchange for anything, memories that you had given me that are worth remembering, memories that would always bring back a smile on my face. Memories that made me fall for you more. You know and you have seen how happy I was with you.

But if I am wrong that your reasons were real… that the thing I am scared of wasn’t really going to happen, that it just happened that you are also in a tight situation right now, that you need more of my understanding I am so sorry. I know you have known me as a strong and jolly person, the reason I think why you have liked me but I am sorry… I am sorry it’s not really me because sometimes yes I am strong but sometimes I am also weak, and at this time I am almost on my weakest point because negativity and my worries are eating me up, I know I told you that “been there done that” but still I felt I am a little bit lost, I am just trying to be strong. Sorry if I bore you previously in our previous chat sorry that I lost my jolliness this time… Things are really getting tougher and tougher out here and I am becoming more emotional, I felt like giving up, I am just so confuse right now… so I am sorry if I am getting you wrong. And if I am wrong I hope you would understand me.

And if I am right about my fear… One day when I am in a stable situation and when my feelings are not that strong towards you, that I could already stand and bear the pain of breaking up with you, I would come looking for you so we could separate in a nice way. Whatever will be your reason for breaking up with me, I would accept it because I know you’re a person who would never mean to hurt anyone. I just couldn’t take it now.

JYK… I am upset and sad that we ended up like this... but I am missing you so much, I miss sleeping beside you, I miss your scent, I miss your laugh, I miss your kiss, I miss hugging you, I miss the way you make me laugh, I miss all the things you are doing for me, I miss you!!! Please take care of yourself. I wish for your happiness. Knowing that you are happy, in some way makes me happy even though we are not together.