The Madness of Being In-love Alone
Generally, we want a fairy tale kind of love story. A princess with a prince, a kiss that can break the curse, the belief on love at first sight, and even the first love never dies. We want to love and be reciprocated with love. We enjoy the feeling of loving someone and be loved by someone but what if your kind of love is like mine? One sided.
Five years ago, I felt what love is.
The feeling of love is ecstatic. The spark is real. She completes my day with just her existence. I appreciate every piece of her. Her hair, eyes, smile, and voice are perfect. The way she walk and talk is so classy. I can and cannot do things in front of her. I am inspired and motivated until she broke me.
I love you but you cannot love me back. You said, you don't want to incur me any pain but that's not your decision to make. You said, you don't want to lose me like how you give up on your exs. You don't want to cheat on me like you always do. You don't want to lay a hand on me cause you're afraid I might not let go but you kept me hanging for years.
It's like we are yet we are not. We hold hands in public and do sweet gestures before we sleep. I cannot text you if I wanted to because your partner might see it. We cannot hangout if your partner is in town. We cannot take a photo and keep it as a remembrance. You left me by the moment you knew that she's on the same mall where we are. I am by your side whenever she left you out. I listen to your heart aches but you'll never hear mine. I wanted to talk to you about 'us' but I'm afraid it is not your interest.
Frustration kills me every time you have a new partner. It tortures me to think of "why not me, again". Why do you treat me as friend yet sometimes we do what lovers do. Why say, you like our moments together but not really going for it?
It makes me sick to see photos of you with her plus your caption about loosing your sanity without her. It scorch my heart every time I see your world only with her. It breaks me every time you chose to stay after crying a river. I am feeling this extreme madness every time I am with you and in a few minutes you're with her.
I don't want to keep you hurting me but I chose to keep you to know you're okay. I really don't like to say this but it seems like "I did not love you to have you".