Loving Love

Subject: Loving Love
Date: 18 Jan 2018

Loving love is dangerous.

There's nothing quite like it. I've never felt feelings like that before and so confused. What does it mean when you're so deeply in love with a girl that you fail to see that she isn't in love with you? We had started talking during a very difficult time of my life while I was overseas. This girl.. wait no woman.. and a single Mother at that, came into my life and made that hard time so easy. I felt so connected as we talked every day. Keep in mind I knew this girl from back home it wasn't an E-Harmony thing or anything. I was beginning to lose myself in her, I felt like I could trust her and I felt that she could trust me. Disclaimer: I've never been in love before. No not that I haven't been with women but I've never loved one. (I thought I had at the time) My time overseas came to an end and I was coming home! I had two weeks of rest and relaxation and I pointed my truck North and went back home to spend time with this new found bond that was developing. I was still adjusting to being back to the states and got to spend a lot of time with her and her son, who I instantly fell in love with. I was at her house every chance I could get spending every second I could with her because I knew the two weeks would pass by fast. And it did..

I had to head back to my command for another two months before I separated from the military. About a week and half goes by and I get a text message one morning explaining on how she is really overwhelmed with her life and doesn't think she is ready to be in a relationship. It really sucked, for one I got it over a text message and for two, I was really falling for her. We still talked about every day and the time came for me to move back home and start my new job.

I moved back at the beginning of summer and we ran into each other at the gas station. She looked great and we hugged and went our separate ways. Then she texted me and said she missed me.. THIS IS WHERE I WENT WRONG. Well I didn't go wrong, and I'll explain why later. It was a known fact between us that I missed her too. Who wouldn't? So we hung out about a week after that and things lifted off. I was finally in a relationship with a mature girl (which seem scarce these days). It wasn't always easy. She is stronger than sin and I knew she never needed me but letting me into her life felt like an absolute blessing. She was such an amazing woman, stunningly gorgeous, her eyes held the sea, and I had the pleasure of drowning in them every day. She was such a great mother too, I became more attached to her son, and it was the highlight of my day coming home from work then spending time with the two of them.

Now there were some circumstances that I don't want to put in here but she was extremely busy trying to help her son who was not even two at the time, build a relationship with his distant father. Totally reasonable and I supported it because every child deserves that, and in the end I know that her son will always be at the top of the totem pole in her heart. So for about a week I didn't get to see her but everything was going great, at least I thought. She had just asked me if I wanted to get pictures done with her and her son, and I felt over-run with love when she asked me that. I no longer loved her, but I was IN love with her. Im talking flowers every week kinda love.

Then I get a text message again one morning and she seemed off. So I asked her if something was going on.. She said yeah something is going and we will talk about it later this week. What??? Yeah that's what people love, being left on a cliffhanger with the girl you're dating. So I called her and said if you need to talk to me talk to me now because I'm not being left in the dark. She said she was busy. Then 20 minutes goes by and there it is. Another text message. Explaining how I was in love with her and she loves me but she isn't in love with me. And that being on different levels is bothering her.

Shitty right? So I tried explaining to her that I kind of knew I was in love with her more than she was with me. And that I always thought that's how long term relationships happen, the other person is going to be more committed at points along the way. So there was no talking this one out. She had her mind made up and again I got the "I'm confused and idk where my life is going" (None of us do sweetheart). But I kept holding on to this love. I couldn't give up on it. Every single god damn ounce of me wanted that girl. So we still talked for a month and a half after. And then I got the "Honestly I don't want or need a boyfriend right now." All this time all I was after was the real truth to the whole situation.

What I was after was the "Its YOU" not that cliché it's not you it's me yada yada yada. You can't tell someone you still love them after breaking up with them (over text message again) and claim that it's you being confused. If you know how in love the person is with you, you should know damn well that they aren't going to just give up on you. Finally I kind of got the hint that it was ME and not her after a few spats of us messaging and it going no-where oh and some Facebook and Instagram posts.
How badly that hurts is crazy, how freeing it is, well that's almost equally as crazy. Now I have nothing but great things to say about her. I loved her for Christ's sake. Not to mention I was a bit of a nuisance post break up. I definitely couldn't leave her be, but it wasn't out of anger, it wasn't out of spite. It was me chasing down that love I thought could still be there. And now is where I'll explain I didn't go wrong when she told me she missed me. I have no regrets dating her. She was a beautiful girl who made my life filled with joy. The feelings I got to experience were beautiful, almost poetic to me. The hard feelings post breakup? I was shattered. De-voided of interest in another girl. I knew she'd move on before me if it happened. But that's the way it goes. Sometimes I still play the mind games on myself. Wondering if I loved her or if I loved love.

False hope kept me going, and it still lingers in the back of my mind. I've been with other women since but none have got my heart entwined like she did. It's a dangerous game we play for that feeling that can cut like a knife.