In love with my best friend and i feel lonely and she would hate me if she knew

Subject: In love with my best friend and i feel lonely and she would hate me if she knew
From: The girl in love with the most amazing person in the world
Date: 1 Mar 2020

She's the only reason why i still wake up in the morning. We did't fall in love in october and that's okay because i think i did. You'll probably never look at me the same and that's okay if i get to look at you from afar. Im closeted in my feelings and i wish i knew all the things i want to tell you, but i never will. And i want to save myself from despair and you from disgust that you would perceive me with i ever told you. I just want to hold you tight in my arms or you to do that when i'm down or if you are. And the whole world will be the same if i don't tell you that but i think i love you already. And i know you would never understand why i'm feeling these things for you because you don't feel that way. And i'm not all-covered in my sex drive but i just want the small things; the looks shared across the hall, hands holding even if nobody could see, our knees or elbows or fingers slowly starting too touch during class, your lashes touching my cheek if you hugged me. I may be drowning in self pity now but i really want to come clean. It doesn't seem to end and it's only starting to get deeper, and deeper and i'm scared. Im scared that you'll eventually realise how i feel and won't tell me or. Or you will, and you will tell me how much you despise, how much you hate me now and even if i start wanting somebody else i want to remeber that you are and always be the one i truly love. And it will eventually kill me and it's starting to ,slowly, but it is. I want to share as many moments as i can with you because i'll die one day. And that day i want to be surrounded in the memory of you. And do people fall out of love because now i realize i might want that. And don't missunderstand me ,i dont want to not remeber you but this place is so dark and empty and i don't want to be here. So you can either save me, but you won't cause you have your own problems and you don't know where i am and even if you wanted you couldn't cause you don't share my feelings. And because you can't save me the only thing that can is falling out of love, and just beeing friends. And being friends is or was okay for a while, in the begining but i don't think it is now. And i love you or i like you or i love you and every time i gaze upon your eyes i see home. But you don't feel the same way and that's okay. It really is even for me but, i just wish it was different.