M,
I get it now. I do. Our relationship died.
And as much as I want you back you don't want to comeback . I don't think it's a matter of me moving on from you or getting over you. I never will. In my heart you are the one who helped me make sense of me and my world. My only task now is to make the most of what is left, both in terms of time and spirit. And in the really tough times I will close my eyes and imagine you are beside me and draw some strength like I used to when I reached out to take your hand, like a child on a dark night.
I never will understand why after almost 6 years we could not sit down and discuss what was going on. I will never grasp this urge to run that you have. Be that to run away physically or run inside yourself to hide behind a wall of silence. But then again it's probably the reason we aren't a couple anymore, the fact that when things got tough, silence was the answer. I know you will huff at me like you always did, but I do respect your right to space for quiet and reflection. But it would have helped me if some of the some details of your withdrawal would have been given, so that I could wait for you, not complete silence and confusion on when you would be back.
The real sadness is not because we ended but they way that it ended. The accusations. The badgering; the denial; the refusal; the decision; the the disbelief. If we had only just sat and talked, M, and listened actually listened openly instead of defensively ready to attack. You had your reasons and I had mine. But they were never discussed. A solution was found before the problem was known.
M not only did I not have a chance to explain to you I had no opportunity to hear what was going on for you either. The last 2 months may have been a time of rebuilding for you. All I knew was that you wouldn't communicate with me. The last 2 months for me have been one of complete confusion, never knowing what the right step was. I hear you, you aren't angry and you don't hate me, but it's obvious that you are and you do.
I know you felt like your only choice was to throw your life and everything you loved away, because I took a fragile moment and tore it to pieces. Now if you really want to believe that I am that person then nothing will change that conclusion, but I am not like that. I'm still the stupid person who makes dumb mistakes. I am still the man that worships you: And sees your face when I sleep, and hears that giggle when I tickled you when I cry. And oh my god, the apartment still has your smell. And your spirit.
I do hope you find happiness, I truly do. I had that happiness with you and I know it's only once you get it. I hope whatever that demon your fighting loses. And that one day you miss me enough to want to see me. Please know that my door will always be open for you, my heart full of love for you, and my arms ready to hug you. I miss cuddle monster the most and kisses before bed.
Until then though, you are free from me and of me my little prince. If our paths should cross by chance, or fate, please say hello and treat me kindly. You may never love me again, but remember I am the man that loves you with my whole heart and even though I won't get to spend forever (and a day plus one) with you in person. It will be true in my heart - Forever and a day plus one. Like I said you may not love me anymore, but I always will love you.
B.
PS. Tell little M that Daddy B misses him, loves him, and wants him to stay with Daddy M. Remind him he's perfect and none of this was his fault, and one day soon, I will come see him.
