A letter to the man I loved, my child’s father

Subject: A letter to the man I loved, my child’s father
From: The one that got away
Date: 19 Jan 2019

I never thought this day would come. We met so many years ago. Almost 7 to be exact. I remember meeting you at a church youth activity. You picked me to be on your volleyball team and you had no idea who I was. That was March 2, 2012. We started texting and talking in the phone. Then we started dating April 15, 2012. To say the least, I was head over heals for you. You were my first boyfriend and I was smitten. Then you were my first kiss. Let’s be honest, I had no idea what a I was doing with myself when you kissed me in the church parking lot after church one day. I didn’t know this is how things would be. You told me you loved me and I was so far deep in now. On July 6, 2012, you broke up with me for the first time. Well actually you didn’t. You just stopped texting me.
I remember switching school to be closer to home. The first day you sat at my lunch table and acted like nothing ever happened. The second day of school you texted me to see how so liked school. It wasn’t long before we got back together. I went to every football game. No matter how far or the weather. I went and supported you. I had a jersey made with your name on it, I was so happy back then. On February 15, 2013 one day after my 16th birthday you took what I thought I’d wait for marriage for. I thought we’d get married someday, build a house, have babies. But in May my heart was broken for the second time. This time it was worse. You again just walked out on me. No explanation.
After that I don’t remember dates. You started dating someone else and I did my best to get up in the morning and make myself eat. You didn’t care. You came in and out of my life so much over the next few years I have no idea what even happened after that.
Fast forward to September 2017. You stayed the night with me the night before you went back to work. Although it was nothing to you, to me being curled up next to you was my safe place. You left your phone there. I was supposed to take you to the boat. I got on your phone and seen where you had been on dates and staying the night with other girls and honestly it broke me more than anything ever had. I still took responsibility on taking you to the boat. I ask you about the things I saw. All you could do was deny it and try to turn it back on me. You left and I thought that was the end. I was so hurt. But I’m October 4, my life changed completely. It wasn’t about us anymore. I took a pregnancy test that looked positive but I didn’t tell you. I knew you wouldn’t care. The next day I got another, better test. It clearly said pregnant. So I ended up telling you. I’ll never forget how you said you were excited and happy. I was scared. Scared for myself, scared for my baby, filled with emotions of what I had learned about you.
I had always wanted kids with you but I wasn’t ready. We kind of got back together. We were happy again. You took care of me. All the little things came back. We took our first trip to Chicago together and had such an amazing time. In February 14, my birthday, we went to Colton’s and ate and you had bought me a pearl bracelet from Tiffany’s. The card on the inside read, “Dearest Taylor, You’ve has my heart from the beginning and this is a token of my appreciation for your love but no material thing can begin to describe the love I have for you. Happy Birthday!”. I felt blessed, loved, wanted. I had the love of my life, school was going great, and I had the most perfect human growing inside me.
On February 16, 2018 my life changed. I went to the hospital for a check up after a long day at clinical because I “felt gross”. I’ll never forget when they told me I was dilated to a 4 at 24 weeks. I was scared. I don’t think you really cared. You never held my hand or tried to comfort me. I was air lifted to St. Louis that night. I got there and waited for you to come up there. But food was more important to you. The week I was there you held my hand, you told me it’d be okay. But all of those things were lies. On February 22 at 1:15am, I gave birth to the most perfect 725 gram little girl. I was so scared. She wasn’t breathing. Just whimpering ever so slightly. That was the start of our 92 day NICU journey.
You didn’t help me through after that. You didn’t come to the hospital when you first got home. And every trip home got worse. I dealt with everything alone. And I was blamed for being depressed. We got to come home May 24. Our relationship wasn’t very good but it was ok. In August I started school back. You said you were proud of me but you didn’t care. In September you went to the beach and didn’t talk to me. Then he went to the boat and didn’t talk to me for weeks. I tried so hard to work thinks out from then until December. You treated me like crap. Like I was worthless. I got you a Christmas present that was heartfelt and all you could say was “thanks, but you could’ve wrote something in the front”.
December 18 we went to eat before you left. A girl came up to you and I asked who she was. You swore you didn’t know and I guess you were lying. I told you later that day who I found out that she was. On January 5, 2019 you broke up with me. You said some of the meanest things to me. You said we hadn’t been in a relationship in a long time and you didn’t want anything to do with me. That our relationship was hell for you. But I found out. I found out why. That same girl from the restaurant had taken you. My heart was broken. Into a million tiny pieces. I began to blame myself, “if I was prettier or skinnier or better this wouldn’t have happened” but that’s not true. It’s been happening. For almost 7 years. Nothing I do will fix you. I have the most perfect baby in the world. She looks at me with a look I never thought I’d get. She gets so excited when I get home from school. But you still choose going on a date and staying the night with the woman from the restaurant over her.
I will never tell her why you left. But I’m sure she’ll eventually find out. For another woman that couldn’t possibly love you half as much as I have, we have.
I never thought you’d leave. I never thought you do me and C like your dad did your mom and you. Turns out you’re no better than him.
So to you. I loved you for so long, and I still do. But this is my goodbye. My daughter deserves better, I deserve better. I’m glad you’re happy. I’m glad your girl is happy. But if breaking up a family and choosing others over your child is happy then you live a miserable life. One thing is for certain, she will ALWAYS know what love is from me.
The one that got away