I write letters to people and never send them.
It's what I do.
So here's my letter I never sent you:
I didn't mean to fall for you. Not that people ever do. I was with someone else and so were you. It just happened.
The first night we spent together talking on your couch until 7am. We weren't really friends, but I felt close to you. Close enough to share all my worries and listen to yours. We laughed, and got serious, and just TALKED.
The second night we spent together you came over to my apartment and we built a blanket fort in my living room floor. It seemed childish, but we didn't care. We stayed up all night talking again, though this time we slept a little (and cuddled). You hit on me by telling me my cuddling skills were weak, but you promised (as master cuddler) you would teach me your ways. You also tried to steal my light up speakers....
The other nights blur together. Me and you, laying in bed all night and day after you picked me up from work at 3am because I totaled my car. Thank you for that by the way. You really were my savior.
We didn't do much really. I didn't feel the need. I could lay beside you in bed for the rest of my life and be happy. But you wouldn't let me do that. When all I wanted to do was lay with you, you literally picked me up and forced me to get ready for class. You regretted not being in school, and wasn't going to let me miss out, too.
There was, however, the date to the Theatre. I had to see a show for a class and you agreed to tag along. I insisted on paying for your ticket, and you pretended to feel threatened in regards to your manhood. So obviously you had to by the pizza after we left. Even as a theatre minor I wasn't a fan of the show. But when it was over, you were all about it and already making plans to see the next one. I knew it was only because you knew how much I loved theatre, and in that moment I really started to love you, too.
Then there was Fright Farm. The night we accidently told (well showed) all of our work friends that we were together. In that moment we didn't care about anything but each other. You even called me your girlfriend that night. I never told you, but my heart jumped when you did.
All of the stolen kisses and sweet whispers. You were starting to be my everything. For once in my life I wasn't worried about the future, or about being tied down. I was just worried about you being a part of my life.
Halloween night I went to a costume party, then work. You worked earlier in the day so you didn't get to see my outfit, but you were pretty excited to see it that night (sexy batwoman was pretty exciting). You picked me up from work then we had to go pick up some of your friends. We hung out with them, and they came home with us to stay the night.
I didn't know when I left the next afternoon that would be the last time I saw you alive. The last time I would see your smile or hear your laugh. The last time I would kiss you or feel safe cuddled in your arms. You were supposed to pick me up from work that night, but you never showed. I texted you and called you and your sister but neither answered. You were already gone by then and she was in the hospital with broken bones. She tried to get out of the way of the other driver, but she couldn't.
I regret a lot of things. I regret not tailgating with you when you asked. I didn't want to smother you and wanted you to spend time with your friends. If I had you would have left the party before I went to work instead of when I got off. You never would have been on that road at that time.
I regret not telling people we were together more. I wanted to keep you all for myself and not share us with anybody else.
I regret not calling you my boyfriend. I was so afraid of commitment that I couldn't realize the amazing person I had in front of me. I thought I had forever to figure out how I felt and to show you. I was wrong.
Most of all I regret not telling you I loved you. We weren't together long enough for most people to consider saying I love you, and it probably would have freaked you out if I had, but I still regret it. Even if it was just whispering it in your ear while you slept (because as much as you hate to admit it, you always fall asleep first).
With each day that passes I'm afraid I'm losing more of you, and I'm terrified of that. I'm terrified of you leaving me for good. But you won't. I still cry for us most nights. For what could have been. But just know, even though you're not here, you have changed my life. I am a better person for knowing you, loving you, and being loved by you.