Idealization, devalue, and discard phases of a Narcissists relationship is something victims of the Narcissist are all too familiar with. To understand how Narcissist energy is acquired and maintained throughout a relationship is a first step to understanding and dealing with the aftermath of a Narcissist.
How a Narcissist represents themselves to the public is different than how they view themselves from within and behind closed doors. They feel destroyed, they feel worthless, they are constantly struggling with this internal struggle of sense of false self vs reality. Therefore, their spouse or partner becomes their supply, providing them an outlet to feel worthy, to feel valued, and to be able to attempt to sustain these emotions that constantly play over and over in their minds.
The supply or target is there to nurture their every need, to provide whenever needed, and to be a source for which he or she can once again feel important, powerful, and in control. A narc needs supply like a human needs food for mere survival. The Narcissist has to value this supply because it's truly all they have, it's the lifeline for their existence, for their ability to move forward from one relationship to the other. The narc must convince themselves that their supply is omnipotent, beautiful, worthy, and perfect in every way in order to continue in life. This means making the target feel idealized.
For a Narcissist so much energy and time is spent working on their needs being met, that the energy needed to sustain this is overwhelming. Therefore, they must make good use of their time and energy by maximizing every opportunity or benefit that they can exude and or take away from the supply. It's quite unbelievably a case of supply and demand, the more the supply gives out the more the Narcissists takes to fulfill their own selfish needs and what they lack from within is replaced by what is taken from others who are not knowledgeable that this is even occurring to them. This is why you often hear victims say they feel lost, they don't recognize who they are, because they truly gave of themselves to the relationship to please the Narcissists not knowing about the void that exist. A Narcissists is a bottomless pit, a black hole, void of any and all emotions.
As the relationship progresses the Narcissist will love bomb, smother with compliments, and attention seeking signs will be exhibited. To the target they will feel like being on cloud nine having attention coming from everywhere around them. Feeling that things couldn't get better, they begin to lower the boundaries, become more comfortable , and look forward to hope for more to come. Yet it's in this hope for more, that the narc knows they have the supply where they want them. The empty promises soon come out, the mask eventually falls, the real narc is now revealed. Perhaps it's subtle, perhaps small disagreements that are dismissed as simply having bad days, perhaps it's small petty issues that arise or perhaps a dose of narc rage was exhibited unexpectedly.
Yet, sadly when you enter a relationship with a Narcissist this is what you in fact entering into, a relationship with just one~ in essence you are in a relationship with yourself. You will give, you will lose your own sense of self, you will be degraded and broken down to a lesser form than when you started because in order for a Narcissist to get this supply they need to make you feel pity, sympathy, and sadness for them. They prey upon supplies who exhibit these traits of compassion, love, empathy, kindness. They use this to their advantage only to then discard them later on.
The fall is inevitable. Disillusionment and disappointment set in. The slightest criticism, disagreement, or differences of opinion are interpreted by the Narcissist as an all out assault against the foundations of their existence. The previous appraisal is sharply reversed: the same people are judged unworthy who were previously deemed to be a soul mate, for instance. This is the devaluation part of the cycle and it is very painful to both the Narcissist and the devalued (for very different reasons, of course). The Narcissist mourns the loss of a promising "investment opportunity" (Source of Narcissistic Supply). The "investment opportunity" mourns the loss of the Narcissist.
When one enters into a mutual relationship it's based on two healthy adult individuals who have one common goal in mind to be together, through unconditional love, mutual understanding, commitment, honor, respect, loyalty and trust. However for a Narcissist a relationship involves a source of supply which is seen as an exciting new "investment".
The Narcissists is inhumane, lonely, and lacks a true sense of self. Regardless of gender Narcissists devalue and discard leaving victims far behind, as they didn't see it coming, had no idea they were involved with a personality disordered person, and have no idea the years of recovery it will take to proceed forward after a relationship with a Narcissist.
The Narcissist however, since he or she was not truly invested fully in the relationship simply moves on without remorse, regret, guilt, or feelings of any type. They simply walk away and say "good luck to you". Whether kids are involved or not it doesn't matter, as kids become simply extensions of themselves that can be groomed for equal attention and benefits to the Narcissistic parent. Narcissists are like the famous movie line ...Gone with the wind.
It's the victims who must then pick up the pieces and try to repair the damage that has been done. Often times the victims have been subjected to extensive trauma, abuse, and mental mind games so severe that they require therapy and counseling to overcome.
Some common types of victim trauma can be: Stockholm syndrome, Battered men or women's syndrome, Cognitive Dissonance and Disassociation, PTSD ( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as well as many stress related illnesses.
For Narcissists it's all about power and control. Malignant Narcissists are the most dangerous as they are predators who hunt their prey. They are able to violate the rights of others because they are incapable of feeling empathy. Viewing others as mere objects, as puppets, while they are masters of their own mind games is sickening yet it's the only way they know to exist. They feel that they are always above the law. Rules don't apply to them is there motto.
What you can do is to help yourself by walking away from these toxic individuals and personality disordered people. The courts, the legal system, and professionals in the system still have not fully recognized NPD disordered individuals for the damage they are capable of causing or have caused upon their victims. The trail of destruction is real, the victims are real, the years of recovery and healing is real. Education is key to making others more aware of this disorder. I hope in time, the legal system can catch up to these predators before it's too late. For many victims they have already lost their lives to these monsters, and I'm here as living proof they do exists, they are dangerous, and much more needs to be done for their victims who continue to suffer at the hands of their abusers.
Never stay silent, keep telling your story, and never ever give up. Smear campaigns are common to keep victims silent. Heal from within, use professional services if need be, but put yourself first. Keep moving forward on your journey in life after Narcissism.
