The last time we spoke, we were at a sushi bar. You ordered the Romeo and Juliet and I got the Rock n’ Roll. I believe you were wearing a teal t-shirt and blue jeans. I was wearing cargo shorts, white shirt and a sleeveless hoodie. You made a valid point when you asked me why on earth I would wear hoodie on a hot August afternoon. To this day, I still don’t have an answer for that. Anyways, before I leave for good, there is still one more thing I have to say:
I am sorry.
I am sorry for not being as supportive as I should have been. As your former boyfriend, I should have been at the frontlines, cheering you on as you ventured China. It isn’t every day that an American teen gets a full scholarship to Jiaxing for a summer program. Instead of asking you how you were, all I did was make the conversation about me.
I am sorry for taking you for granted. You were always there for me when I needed you. Never once did you let me down.
I am sorry for choosing misery and cynicism over you. I let it turn me into a monster and I lost you because of that. Looking back to what I did, I’m completely horrified and can barely recognize myself.
I am sorry for acting awkward around you. Seeing you brings tremendous joy to my heart, but it also brings me sadness, as I am once again reminded that I failed you.
I am sorry for waiting this long to apologize to you. This letter should have been the one that you should have received, not the other one. The other letter was selfish and this apology is long overdue.
For a long time, I thought the worst feeling in the world was losing a loved one. I was wrong. The worst feeling in the world is hurting someone you love. I honestly wish I can take it all back. You might say it is nostalgia or neediness. Actually it isn’t. The truth is I miss you for you. I miss talking to you and seeing you and your smile and hearing your voice and laughter. Believe me I do. All those times I wronged you I want to take back because it hurt you. I wish there were a way I can make this all up to you. Perhaps the best thing I can do for you is to stay away. This letter serves as a promise to you, myself and the world…just never again. Never again will I let my worst get the best of me. I’m not striving for perfection. Just be the best me that I can be.
One more thing: don’t you ever, ever, EVER undervalue yourself. Sometimes you would tell me that you feel like you were only good for academics. Hopefully that mentality has changed. If it hasn’t though, just know that isn’t true. You’re the girl with lenses. I’m not talking about contact lenses, camera lenses, yellow shades, blue shades or even green shades. No, I’m talking about lenses that are capable of capturing the full spectrum. Besides C, you still have your entire life ahead of you. You’re going to be just fine. You are going to be eggstraordinary.
To your future spouses: She is a keeper. I mean sure, every once in a while you might have to deal with the fact that she: 1) will only eat half of whatever is on her plate, 2) swears that they are gloves when they are actually gauntlets, 3) dices strawberries in an extremely messy and inefficient manner, 4) insists that the inanimate statue was laughing as well, 5) rolls her eyes at you at least three times every time you talk to her, 6) is a stubborn piece of work, 7) has a knack for puns, etc. The list goes on. But hey, who ever said those were bad things? Above all, be good to her. Please. I guarantee that you will be the luckiest person in the world.
Regardless of what happens, I wish nothing but the best for you. Keep shining like you always do. And remember: Heaven and Earth. Always.
Golden Compass: 9/10
Subtle Knife: 8.8/10
Amber Spyglass: 10/10