Happy Valentine's Pay!

Subject: Happy Valentine's Pay!
From: A Satirist
Date: 28 Feb 2017

Valentine’s day is clearly the single most important holiday there is. No matter relationship status, this superficial marketing strategy of a holiday is essential to get exactly right. For those in a relationship, it is the ultimate test of their undying love for their “bae”, the light of their life, their “boo.” For pathetically single people, this holiday is also very important, because who doesn’t want yet another reminder of their loveless life?

Valentine’s day is the most important holiday to anyone in a relationship because it is the single most essential test of love. It is a significant other’s sworn duty to make this the most vomitingly romantic day possible. There’s so much pressure to show love on Valentine’s day that sometimes it just becomes too much for some people to handle that they would rather end their ever so meaningful relationship than put forth any measure of sincere love. The pressure is understandable, because clearly the most important part of any emotionally involved romantic relationship is the amount of money spent on the other person. Naturally, since this day is all about buying love, it must be done right. It is essential to get the perfect gifts, because should they fail to impress, a once-perfect relationship could be lost. Gone, all over a stuffed bear that wasn’t soft enough. Remember, it’s not the thought that counts, but the price tag.

There is a very specific list of requirements that must be met and exceeded to pass the test of love. Flowers must be given, as well as a teddy bear, preferably life- size, a heart-shaped balloon, and a large heart-shaped box of assorted chocolates in your other hand. It is absolutely true that the bigger the teddy bear, the deeper love is, and the more chocolates, the richer love is. Now, these gifts, bar the teddy bear, are perfectly fitting, seeing as all of them either disappear, deflate, or die, just as love dies, deflates, and disappears, should standards fail to be met .The best representation of lasting love is exactly these things that don't last, seeing as someday failure is inevitable, and the teddy bear that once meant so much will be burned or gutted in a fit of post-breakup rage. If adequate gifts fail to be given, the least that will happen is that the day will be spent alone and in silence, since bad gifts can’t be forgiven. While a bouquet of flowers would likely mean more on a different day that comes without expectation, they should only be given on this day. Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it sure can buy love.

Valentine's day is not only for love struck teenagers and adults; it's for young children too. Valentine's day must be held in high regard, even at a young age. How else can it be assured that their brains are susceptible enough to be brainwashed by this marketing strategy that is cleverly disguised as a holiday? Children must also learn at a young age that life is all about achieving love, and anyone who does not is a loser with absolutely no purpose in life. The obvious way to teach the absolute importance of love is through heartfelt valentine-giving. There is a certain science to valentine giving in elementary schools. First, the perfect dollar-store valentines must be selected that will convey the love that small children obviously have a perfect understanding of. Transformer stickers should do the trick for boys, while Disney princess tattoos will be a common choice by girls. The best valentines must be saved for friends, or Tommy, Sarah’s eight-year-old boyfriend who she will most definitely marry someday. Likewise, the ugliest valentine goes to the mean kid who stepped on that super special crayon in kindergarten. Even though there is a rule in place that everyone gets a valentine from everyone, the weird kid will still end up with with less valentines, and even those will be the ugly ones. This cruelty is all good though, because it gives him a chance to understand that kids learn to express contempt, even at such a young age.

Valentine's day is for everyone; whether it be the parent, desperate to prove their love for their children, for whom a box of chocolates will send the right message; for Jenny-the-five-year-old, who must show Tommy she loves him; for the single person, so they can feel extra lonely and loveless as they are forced to watch everyone compete in a contest of love, to see who has the best relationship. They can be consoled though, by buying 50% off candy for themselves the next day, in an attempt to feel love, since life is all about love. Valentine’s day (or should we say, Valentine's pay), is the quintessential day for all people, as a test of love, a marketing strategy, a painful reminder of single status, as well as a reminder that being in love is the absolute only way to live with yourself. It is clearly the most important holiday there is, and should be taken very seriously.
Happy Valentine’s Paying!