An Open Letter to My Abuser
Did you know that today I stood in a very long line at my local bookstore, and had an anxiety attack because there were men behind me in line? Did you know that everything you did would have that long of an effect? Did you think that nearly 3 years later I would still feel pain because of you? I am willing to bet that you didn’t, I have battled you every day since the night that you decided to hold me hostage and rape me at knife point.
Although I don’t have to battle you physically, I must battle you mentally for the rest of my so called “worthless” life. I have tried so many times to forgive you because I know that is the right thing to do, and I have so many times before, but every time I go to the next isle in a store because there are too many men in the bread section, and every time I bite my fingernails to the quick because I have a flashback, and every time I catch myself judging my new husband because of what you did, I instantly hate you again.
The night that you got so infuriated with me that you told me I was not leaving alive as you pushed a knife to my throat is one I just can’t forget, the night that you had me shaking so badly that I felt frozen in time, until you finally made me think I could leave and tossed me a phone and told me to call the cops, only to wave the phone battery in my face is one that is branded deep in my mind forever.
I just have so many unanswered questions. I have so many things I want to say to you, but every time I try once again I am that frightened girl sitting on the couch begging you to let me go, I become the helpless woman trying to grasp the top of her pants to keep you from taking them off only for you to rip them in half, I become what I hate the most, weak.
I am hoping that you read this because if you do you will know exactly who this is, and if you do I want you to know that, as much as you have hoped I have not forgotten, you may have worked your way around the court system, but you and I both know the truth, and I for one hope that it eats at you for the rest of your existence, I hope that you cannot sleep at night for the evil thoughts that race through your mind, I hope you feel pain just like I do. I hope that in your mission to ruin my life, you ruined your own.
