Hi. Kamusta? I hope you're doing well; I genuinely do. I know how much you hate reading. But I swear this would be the last time I'd be writing you anything. Kaya please lang paki basa. Huling hiling ko na sayo to. Basahin mo hanggang huli. Pero if hindi mo naman basahin, wala naman akong magagawa. As always.
I want to begin with saying one thing: I'm writing this to find peace in myself. I'm not trying to hurt you or guilt you; I would never intentionally do either of those things. So let's begin. It's been one week since you've decided that you needed space. It's a week without you. It's weeklong freedom for you. Seven Hellish days for me.
We started out great. Unpredictable yet bound to happen. I never expected for us to be together. I remember everything like it was just yesterday. I remember your first text. I remember how our first date went. I remember that gray sando you wore and how you said, "natuloy din tayo." I remember how you waited for me nung Christmas and New year shift para mahatid ako sa Bulacan. I remember how you first held my hand on that cold movie theater while watching Star Wars. I remember the first time I hugged you. That was the time I told myself, "fuck it. I'm taking a risk." I remember the first time you kissed me while we were parked outside UCC Cafe morato waiting for our 5am shift. I remember the first time you told me you love me. I remember how we both hide from our co-workers whenever we meet outside work. I remember not finishing my new years resolution that year and just surrender to you. I remember how fun it is to hang out with your family and friends. I remember how you gave the couple ring and I was afraid that you were not there when I open my eyes. The road trips we had. The troubles. And how we overcome them together. I'll miss the times I help you with your schoolwork kasi alam mong I love to study. I appreciate all the times you support me on giving up the jobs na hindi ko gusto. I remember you taking care of me when I was sick. I remember how proud I am whenever I introduce you to any of my family and friends. I'm so proud of you for acibg your tests, exams, quizzes and for excelling in sports.
Unfortunately, it's not always the good memories that keep coming back. Because I also remember the first time you didn't say "I love you" back; I remember the knots that formed in my stomach and how I cried and screamed into my pillow that night. I remember the times I got worried sick because you're not replying whenever you are out with friends. I remember the time you said you can't make me a priority. I also remember when you wouldn't look me in the eye that friday night I went to you to find some answers and how my heart sunk. I remember you telling me about liking another girl, kissing her and maybe liking it. I remember the "Mahal kita pero...", and the questions, "what if I'm starting to like her?" And "what if sya din mahalin ko na?" And how it destroyed every single part me. I remember how I trashed all respect for myself and my dignity when I begged you to try, to give us another chance, to atleast fix this with me despite you cheating on me. I remember how much I cried since then. I remember removing the ring that I always wore and how it had haunted me everytime. Until now. Feeling that there's something missing. I remember leaving you asleep that night with that note, knowing deep down that my heart was going to break. And it did. I walked out from there to Anonas with tears streaming down my face oblivious of everyone around me. Iniisip ko na di na kita gisingin kasi baka pag ginising kita di na ko makaalis. Baka magmakaawa nanaman ako. Pero ngayon iniisip ko sana pala ginising kita. Para naman malaman ko kung umiyak ka ba. Kung pipigilan mo ba ako. Pero pano kung hindi? Malamang hindi. How could you believe that it would be easier to let go than fix what is broken. You maybe believed that it wouldn’t hurt me if you just asked for some time and space to think about us. But it did. It hurt so badly that I felt a thousand knives in my stomach and food made me gag. It hurt so badly that my mind was like a race and sleep wasn’t an option. It hurt so much, it was worse than dying. And you believed that it was easier to just go than keep someone who was willing to try. You let me get attached. When you pushed me away, it was surreal. I told myself you'd come back, but you didn't. I figured out that you were never coming back when I was in the my bed crying for days begging God to just let me die. I remember myself walking in the middle of my work's parking lot, hiding behind cars and just broke down crying. I pitied myself. Awang awa ako sa sarili ko. Sobrang daming beses kong nagsinungaling sa workmates ko when they asked bakit maga at nagluluha mata ko. I can't remember how many times I called my sister kahit nagtatrabaho bc I can't stop crying and I needed someone to be around me. To tell me na it'll be okay. It hurt me when I saw her cry too. I can't tell you how many times I'd be in the middle of laughter and I would just think of you or smell you and have to leave my friends or work station to go cry. Hindi na tulog ang ginagawa ko sa cr breaks. Pero ibang usapan na kung pati mga kaibigan ko at pamilya ko nasasaktan dahil sa ginawa mo sakin. That was the first time I saw my sister cry so much bc di nya ako mapatahan. I watched her cry for help to mama bc they couldn't leave me alone. How papa looked when he saw me for the first time since that night. They were always there for me kahit lahat ng attention ko nasayo. And now andito sila to catch me now that you've just given up and hurt me. My fam and friends cried when I cried countless times. In public, in my room, in my workstation, while on break. You don't know how many people I've hurt for seeing me like this. I was never like this. I have been cheated on before. Many times. I have been molested by who I thought was a brotherly figure in my life. I have been used and taken advantaged of someone who I just wanted to save. I have been disappointed in myself so many times. I have been depressed to the point of thoughts of death. I have felt many pain before but this is different. Tangina sobrang sakit. Tangina talaga. Sobrang bullshit. Sobrang nakakagago. Nakakabastos. This feels like hell. Honestly, I’d rather have my skin peeled off over and over again than have to feel this. I died a thousand death since that night. Pero syempre, you might not care. You have no idea kung gano kadaming beses kong kinausap sarili ko sa harap ng salamin para lang sabihin na tama na. I didn't know who the girl in the mirror is anymore. She's not me. That's the girl you destroyed till the end of time. This pain sits in the very core of my being. It’s foul. It's unfair. Nagmahal lang naman ako. Binigay ko na nga lahat lahat. Pero bakit ako yung nasasaktan ng ganito? Ako dapat yung nagmamalaki kasi wala akong ginagawang masama pero ako yung parang tanga na nagiisip kung after ng 2 months ba magiging okay na uli? I want this pain to stop but unlike you, who have moved on to a girl you hanged out for 2-3 weeks and already liked, I’m stuck with this. I have to live with this, knowing that the one person I trusted completely and fully not only betrayed me, but forever destroyed the trust I will place in others. Or myself for that matter. Sabi mo na I deserve better pero you think I beleive that? No. How can I possibly meet someone better when you've ruined everyone for me. How can you make me believe that there's something better when you, whom I thought was perfect, got over me so easily? You ruined Love for me. You've ruined everything. You've ruined me. No matter how much you say that I'm not at fault, I will always blame myself for what happened. You'll say nanaman na "It's not you, it's me"? Naaahh, ofcourse, it's me. You're confuse if you like me pa nga, diba? Nakahanap ka nga ng iba kasi may kulang sakin. Merong wala ako na meron sya. Kaya ka nga nanghingi ng time and space. The blame will always be on me. The words, "ILOVEYOU" was not muttered even once since that night. Kahit sa pamilya ko, sa friends ko, lalo na sa sarili ko. I've lost all respect for myself the night I begged you to give us another try. The night I wouldn't let go but you pushed me away. The night I wouldn't remove my arms around you begging you not to let me go but you forced it away while saying, "tama na." Pagod na pagod na akol. Tama na please. Sobrang hirap na ako. Ayoko nang magpakatanga kakahintay sayo. That's why I'm doing this... to retain the remaining respect I have for myself.
The mere fact that you could live without me for a month or two, just shows how worthless I am in your life. How much you don't need me. How much you can live a life without me in it. How much you wanted me out of it. Tangina. Ako eto isang linggo pa lang parang namatay na ko. A lot could happen in 2 months. You may or may not want me back. Or vice versa. Kung ayaw mo na sa akin sabihin mo na lang. Hindi yung, "hindi ko alam. Gulong gulo na ako." Kasi sa mga sinasabi mo, ako naman yung gulong gulo. Gustong gusto ko maintindihan. Gusto ko malaman kung bakit? Bakit naging ganito? Nung huling nagkita naman tayo before that nighy, okay naman tayo. Masaya naman tayo. Hinalikan mo pa ako sa sala nyo. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hindi ako. Paintindi mo naman kasi sobrang labo. TANGINA. Paanooooo? Bakit ganun kadali sayo makahanap ng iba? Paano mo naisip na "ah siguro 1-2 months lang makakapgisip na ako. Bahala na sya kung gusto o ayaw ko na sakanya." Hindi ko na alam. Minsan iniisip ko kung nagiisip ka ba talaga about us. Namimiss mo din ba ako? Minsan gusto ko malamn yung sagot. Pero minsan parang ayaw ko na. Tama na. Masyado nang masakit. I know you might be trying. I know you're also struggling. Hindi ko sinasabing madali sayo lahat ng to. Alam ko at ramdam ko na minahal at mahal mo ako. I know you need to find yourself. Alam kong mahirap din sayo having to choose between what is and what could be. I understand that 'what could be' may be tempting to right now. You're still young. You still have so many opportunities in front of you. But I hope your loyalty doesn't depend on the opportunities because if it does, you do have a problem. Tangina kasi bakit ikaw pa. Sa lahat ng tao na pwedeng manloko ikaw pa. Bakit ikaw pa yung minahal ko, tangina. Gago. But nevertheless, I will always be one of your greatest cheerleader. I would always be proud of you, of what you can do and what you had and will accomplish. I still believe in you. I believe that you got a bright future ahead. I believe in your good character. Kaya if no one believes in you. And you think everyone's against you, look back and say there's the girl who believed and still believe in me. No matter what you say, kahit ilang beses mo pang sabihin na you're shit, an asshole, undeserving... you are one of the biggest hearted guys I know. I know you're a good person. A great guy. Do not let your past define your future. Doesn't mean that you had your demons before, it'll always be there. It's a matter of choice. But alas, you're human. You just made the wrong choices and made the biggest mistakes. But tao ka lang. Lahat naman tayo nagkakamali. You still deserve the best things in life. And I am sorry that I was not enough for you. I should have been enough for you. I wanted to give you the world, that's why I made you mine. Which was my mistake. I agreed to everything you say. I do everything you ask me to. I was always around. You had me at the palm of your hand. I was co-dependent on you. I chose you over sleep. I chose you over my friends. I chose you over my health. Maybe I even stepped on your ego when I treated you out during the times na walang wala ka. I remember when you told me na hindi ako ang dapat lagi mag aadjust and despite I always say it's okay, you know that it's killing me inside. Pero hindi mo ba naisip na hanggang sa paghingi mo ng 1-2 months, ako pa din ang nag aadjust? O baka naman hinihintay mo lang talaga na makipaghiwalay ako sayo. And you're right. It did kill me inside. Still does. It drained me. It made me ugly. It stressed me out. It made me sick. It made me boring. It made me crazy. Maybe that's why you found fresh air on this other girl. She was there when you were doubting everything. She was there the time you were busy at school and I was too clingy for you. She was there more beautiful and graceful than I'll ever be. You wanted her. You were curious on what it would be like to have her and not me. I hate that I would never be her. I hate her, period. I may envy her, but she will never be me. But I won't compete. Not anymore. I'm too tired to ask what she has that I don't. I know the answer: YOU. Maybe you two will be together, tutal eto na oh. Im giving up. It would kill me inside for sure. Of course I hated the fact of you being with someone else and just the thought of it made me physically ill, but I will be happy to see you smile again. All I have ever wanted is to witness your happiness and watch you succeed. At alam mong ayaw kitang nahihirapan. Like what I always tell you, di bale nang ako ang mahirapan o masaktan. Wag lang ikaw.
Kaya ngayon, I'm letting go of you. Hindi ko na pagpipilitan ang sarili ko sa taong ayaw naman sakin. Sa taong nakahanap na ng iba habang kami pa.Tangina. I’ll begin to live my life, uncontrolled by the thoughts of why I wasn’t good enough or why I couldn’t be loved. Because I know na wala akong pagkukulang. You'll live yours uncontrolled by the thoughts of guilt and for being undeserving or being the same asshole as before. I'm giving you the freedom to live your life without having to think about me. I've started 2016 right. I've started this year happily with you. I was pure of bliss and hope and all I can see is you as far as the road go. And now, I want to end it right. As this year end, I want to thank you for the amazing year. You have my 2016 the happiest but also the saddest. It was a 360° turn for me. But I know I have to move on. As much as I want a life with you, I'll understand how this may not be likely.
I hate myself for not hating you after what you did. I still love you soooooo very much. I know that one day I'll just be a story like the rest of your exes. I will be the older ex-girlfriend you had. Maybe one day you'll tell your future girlfriends about why we broke up. Maybe you won't miss me or regret leaving me; Maybe you'll feel relieved ngayon na I finally let you go. Maybe one day, when we both healed from this, we can be friends. I will be one of your "magbago ka na, gago!" and "sus. Kilala kita" type of friend. I could be the one you run to when you feel sad and I'll be there laughing at you, shouting "good for you!". Jk. I would be that prangka, sarcastic, older sister type but supportive friend. Maybe. Balang araw. Or maybe, just maybe, you want back in. Maybe one day, you'll think that I was everything you ever wanted. Maybe you'll realize that I should have been enough. That I'm the one you want and need. Maybe you'll think of the other opportunities with me. When that time come, when you're ready to face those opportunities with me, I'll be here. I'm not saying that I'll be welcoming you back with open arms if you want back in. I won't have you back without a good basis. Ofcourse, you have to gain my trust again. You have to prove yourslef again. Not just to me, but the people who saw me broken as well. To tell you honestly, I still have a part of that wants you to come back, to give it atleast another try. It wouldnt be easy but atleast tried. If there would be another chance for us in the future, everything will be different. It would be healthier. It would be more mature. It would be less "You jump, I jump". But given a chance to go back, I would prolly not change a thing. I would never regret loving you. I will never regret giving you my everything and making you my whole universe. You were the best I ever had, but I wish you weren't because you were also the worst. But let's be realistic here. Hindi mo na ako gusto. May gusto ka nang iba. Kaya imposible. Lahat na lang din ng nakausap ko, sinasabi, "Tama na." "Walang ganyang lalaki." "Up until the time na hinihiling nya sayo, he's taking advantage of you." "Sya masaya while you're miserable?" It's time to face the truth, I will never be with you. I have to stop this nonsense na paghope pa sayo kasi anglakas lang makagago. Wag mo nang lokohin yung sarili mo na magiisip ka about us. Because if you really love me, di na kailangan pang magisip. Kung mahal mo ako talaga, hindi ka magmamahal ng iba. Sobrang tangang tanga ba talaga tingin mo sakin? Tama ka naman. Kaya eto na nga.
You'd want to start fresh. To start anew. And with this new year, I'm giving you that. I forgive you for everything. You should forgive yourself too. Go start 2017 with a clean slate. Never feel guilty of what happened. Everyone makes mistakes. Anyone can be lead into temptation. Anyone experiences confusion, doubts and fears. But everybody deserve a chance to make things right. And I hope you make the right decisions. I pray that you find what you're looking for. You know that I got your best interest at heart. Pag kailangan mo ng maniniwala sayo, alam mong kahit di mo ako nakikita at malayo ako, andito ako. Paniniwalaan kita. I'm wishing you the very best of luck on your future endeavors. I'd be happy for your happiness. Please don't deprive yourself that. You deserve tobe happy. Never ever think that you don't. Just be kind and humane. Word of advise from a failed relationship, when you found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, be strong. Never make this same mistake again. Because a mistake repeated is not a mistake. It's a choice. Thank you for being my everything this past year. Thank you for the forever within a year. You made me incredibly happy. I love you to the bottom of my heart. I hope you'll remember me. Because I'll always do. You will always be my one great love. Don't forget to say hi when we passed by each other. Remember that Im not mad at you. I'm just hurt. But I will heal. Ikaw din. Balang araw. Baka sakali. Sa ngayon, paalam.
yours,
rgm
Sent Dec. 16, 2016
