We've all seen it, or had some experience with a girl dating a guy who won't leave. She shares how awful and miserable the relationship is and frequently says how she wants to leave him, yet, she stays.
One day I googled "signs of abusive relationships". There was an article listing 13 signs, and my face turned bright red as I realized that I experienced each and everyone of those signs. So my story begins.
On December 21, 2012, my life changed forever. The date 12/21/12 was noted by the Mayans as the date the world would end. I remember watching news anchors covering the story as nothing happened. Little did I know by accepting your request to be your girlfriend, the world itself wasn't going to end, but it was my own world that would come very close.
Now onto you, you sick low life bastard. Before you, I was an independent girl who loved to be with friends and enjoy life. I loved to experience the world's great wonders and I had so many passions I wanted to pursue. I was beautiful and had so much confidence in myself and in my future. For 3 long and grueling years, you took that from me.
It started out like all abusive relationships do. First, you meet the guy. The abuser. The bastard. Everything seems so great. He wants to see you all the time and isn't shy about sharing how he feels about you. Very early on in the relationship he shares how he's falling in love with you, and you are too because he seems so sweet and perfect. He's constantly surprising you with small gifts and posting about you on his social media pages. You can't help but feel flattered because you've never had a guy been this open about wanting to be with you and being proud to show you off.
Then, the jealousy begins. At first it's somewhat flattering. Why? Because you're his girl and he doesn't want anyone else or anyone else to have you. It starts that way at least, then before you know it you're not allowed to talk to your best guy friend since the 5th grade. As time goes on, now you're not allowed to like pictures of other guys, or follow other guys, or talk to them at work. Then it's your girl friends. They don't like him because you sometimes share with them how he is and he knows this. Now you're catching shit every time you hang out with them or even text them. Your relationships with them fade to nothing and soon you have no more friends.
Next comes your family. "Why is your mom always texting you?" "Why does your brother hug you?" Before long, you're not allowed to text them when you're together. You can't attend birthday dinners, high school graduations, or any family events without getting into a huge argument over why you chose to partake in these things with your family. Next, you're not even to mention their names when you're with him and you must promise him that if you get married, you're to never speak to them again.
By this time, he'll look through your phone regularly. If you leave your phone near him, you know he'll be riffling through it the moment you get up to do something. You know if take your phone with you, he'll get suspicious and ask to see what you're hiding when you return. When he leaves his phone, you don't even want to look because when you've been brave before and looked, you've seen him talking horrible about you to his family. He'll have your passwords to Facebook, Instagram and any other social media and he'll look to see whose pictures you're liking and if anyone is messaging you. You'll be regularly deleting texts between you and your family and friends, even if they are not discussing him or anything inappropriate. The mere small talk can get you in trouble.
You feel so alone, and worthless. This is because he tells you constantly how pathetic you are, how you'll never find anyone better than him. He's controlled any aspect of your life that you slowly, one by one, have let him control. You're so unsatisfied with yourself and you can't understand how you've fallen from such a strong person to a mere skeleton of one now. You've tried to leave a few hundred times now, but within a day or a night, you tell yourself all the things he's told you. You're not pretty enough, skinny enough, and your personality is horrible. You'll never be able to find anyone else as good as him. All untrue, but it's been beaten into your head so many times you actually honestly start to believe it.
Whatever friend or family you have left at this point, all get so frustrated with you and are constantly telling you to leave. You want to, and the anxiety of knowing how they feel only makes things worse for you. You're trapped and don't know how to leave. The time you spend with him is miserable. You hate him. You resent him so much for everything he's putting you through. You resent him for how far you've fallen and everything you lost. Driving to see him is never a long enough drive. You dread spending time with him and can't wait for the chance to leave. You get angry just at the thought of seeing him, but know he'll chastise you if you decide to just stay home and work on homework or spend time with family.
All of the things you like, enjoy doing, and are passionate about? They are gone. Now you watch the movies he likes, go do things he likes, hang out with his friends if he hasn't pushed them away yet, and what you like is now a memory. If you don't enjoy the things you do with him, then too bad. If you show you don't, he'll yell at you. At this point, he's allowed to do things that you aren't. Hang out with his family, his friends, drink, disappear for a few hours, etc.
Years later, you may finally see an opportunity to leave. You make a new friend you confide in, a new guy that you've always had a major crush on comes into the picture, a new job, moving away for some reason, etc. You finally see the chance and you take it. Everyone applauds you for a long time and you become so proud of yourself for what you went through. In the meantime, he's trashing you to anyone and everyone. You notice mutual friends you both had start to to unfollow you on social media and see his slams about you on his page. You ignore him and choose to move on with your life without involving yourself in his drama and attempt to still control you.
Someone told me that "when someone can no longer control you, they will try to control how people think of you." This was so true in this case.
Fast forward a few months, and you're trying to date again. You're scarred. The first few days of talking to someone is exciting, then is followed by insecurity. You're remembering all of the things he told you before and you're worried your new love interest will notice these and avoid you. You're a nervous wreck, and so insecure. This ultimately leads to problems in the current fling, all thanks to your ex boyfriend douche bag. Meanwhile, and only after a few weeks, he's dating someone new and posting all about how great things are between them. You wonder if she's in the same place as you, but ultimately decide it'll be a few years before you can seriously date again.
Back to you, the douche bag piece of shit that controlled me and abused me. This letter only contains the basic outline of what you did to me and I could write for days on all of the abuse I suffered with you. I hope that for the rest of your life, you find only independent woman who recognize the signs of what you're trying to do to them and they leave your controlling ass. I hope that you're alone and don't manage to hurt anymore women. It took a long time, but now I know that you only treated me this way because YOU'RE INSECURE. Yes I said it. You're a low life piece of shit who only knows how to keep a woman by making her feel so low that she believes she can't live without you. You took a great girl, and scarred her, and now I recognize the signs. I'm thinking about writing a book about the signs and what to do if you feel yourself in one of these relationships. So thank you, for making me stronger than I was before and enabling me to help others. I hope someday you see what you did and realize how low of a man you really are.
