To the guy I've been crazily in love with

Subject: To the guy I've been crazily in love with
From: The girl who always cries herself to sleep
Date: 3 Jul 2020

I knew right from the start that what we have might never come true. I initially didn't like you because of the way you look and because when I met you, I was still grieving from a heartbreak. The guy I was talking to right before you was precious, and I have accepted him for who he is. But all of a sudden, he told me that he knew things would be harder if we continued as it was impossible for us to see each other. Then you came along.

You said you liked me and started conversations awkwardly. You would send me photos that had questions listed and we would take turns picking numbers and answering questions. You started flirting with me, and I thought fine, I don't have someone to flirt with anyway. We didn't really have a date for our anniversary. We just said December was when we fell in love so it's our month. I did take note when we officially became together though - it was January 15, 2018.

Our thing was just purely online, and there were times when I couldn't even reach you to talk. You were often not around - you were just playing or working or talking to other girls. I didn't really mind as I didn't really like you that much. I looked for other men to chat with while you were gone.

3 months after, we were going our separate ways, and I really liked this guy I was flirting with. Eventually, we didn't work out either and I was left with no one.

My birth month came - it was June 2018. My friends and I rented a room at a resort to unwind and spend time together. We played truth or dare. On our last round, I said I'll try to take a dare since choosing truth all the time was a bit boring.

My friends dared me to post a video saying "I miss someone who did nothing but love me" and tag an ex from my friends list. I tagged you because I didn't really think it would be that of a big deal. Little did I know, it will be something that I'm partly going to regret now.

That post opened another chapter of you and I. We got back together after you made a promise that you will change - that you will call more, talk more, and make me feel loved. I thought to myself that I won't really lose anything so I agreed.

You proved me that people would really change when they want to. You called more frequently until it became daily to a few times a day. I was beyond happy. Until, something felt off.

For some reason, you wanted to leave me. You said you weren't happy anymore and this wasn't what you wanted. I cried so hard at work. I couldn't really do anything. I begged you, I begged my friends to ask you to talk to me, to stay with me. I was so stupid for falling hard. I should've known better.

We got past that but every few months, the same thing would happen. My health was declining and I needed to get surgery. You were breaking up with me that time. I said I didn't want to do it because I would just rather die than lose you. You promised you would be there for me so I got it done.

After the surgery, I felt like we were okay. We made some progress. After a month, I sent you a package that contained snacks, your favorite chocolate, and a hand written letter. You were so happy and I saw how genuine that was.

After that, you said you have sent yours. I kept waiting for it until I learned the truth. I was disappointed you lied to me for not having sent yours. I learned about it right before Christmas. We broke up again.

It was really hard for me. I was barely functioning. Each time you initiated the break up, it was like everything was just a lie. You were too cold. It was like I have never existed and you never had feelings for me. Each and every time, it triggered my anxiety.

I would get panic attacks here and there and I couldn't tell anyone why I was having them. I was protecting you from my friends, my family. I didn't want them to know I was hurting because of you. I would pretend to be sick whenever my family or friends would find out. I would tell them I can't really move and I don't know why whenever I get panic attacks.

After a few months, I thought I'd make an account to talk to you and pretend to be someone else. I did convince you to talk to the real me through this person. Eventually, you talked to me about 'her' and said she's been a good friend. I had to pretend all this time that I didn't know her. Yes, I went crazy, but at least we were back together.

My package finally came. It had this letter, some snacks and tea, as well as a birthday pin from Disneyland that you said you bought for me during one of your trips there. To be honest, 80% of the letter I didn't find sincere. But the last part that said something like "this is where I'm supposed to kiss you and say I love you" would always make me cry.

I got into traveling. I really like traveling, and so I have traveled a lot the past year. Sure, there were those times you would snap, but we somehow made it through together. We even planned going to Japan, but it was canceled due to the pandemic.

I was clinging onto that Japan trip. Maybe you would cling onto me as much as I did if we met each other in person. I was planning to exert all my effort in showing off that charm that all of my exes fell for the first time they met me. I thought maybe, just maybe, you would want to be with me your whole life after meeting me. And to be honest, I still am.

Fast forward to today. I knew how our relationship wasn't perfect. It wasn't healthy either. Despite all that, I would still choose you any day over other people. I know I might regret saying this again, but I might also regret knowing I didn't do anything for us to be together.

Despite walking away and saying goodbye 7 hours ago, my fragile heart would still take you back any day. I know I am stupid, but aren't we all when we're in love? I want you to find and read this, but some part of me also don't want you to find out how I felt and what I did back then. We are both so crazy. Drama is everywhere - you are my ISFP, and I am your INFJ.

Though I am wishing you'd find yourself and your happiness, I am also wishing you'd find it in me. Our future might not be that bright, but I was hoping I could face it with you, hand in hand. I know these things might be impossible for now, but if we're truly meant to be together, our lives will cross paths again - maybe through destiny or just me doing crazy stuff to be with you again. I love you.