First and Last: An Open Letter to the Man Who Used Me

Subject: First and Last: An Open Letter to the Man Who Used Me
From: SSD:"Angel"
Date: 5 Aug 2015

Everyone has their firsts in everything. In my case you were my first in a lot of things.

First guy best friend,
first love,
first kiss,
and the list goes on, including my
first heartache, but NOT my
first hearbreak.

You did, however, turn out to be the first guy to use me and exhaust me in all ways possible.

Let me remind you of how our story started and, eventually, ended.

I was a girl who was sheltered by my strict and grade-conscious parents with a traditional culture, and was enrolled in an all-girl school since nursery. With those in mind, some may think that I'm a girl who's probably longing for a guy's touch, or even just companionship. However, it's the contrary. I lived my life not caring about boys. I never payed attention to those school boys who turned our school into coed once the clock hits 3:15 PM. I did enjoy, though, the girl talks that my friends shared about their boyfriends. However, I was never bothered by the thought of not having one for myself. In fact, I really didn't want a boyfriend at that time.

I was the opposite of the heroines in Chick Flick movies. I was into my academics, and had different extra-curricular activities. I spent hours after my classes, dancing with my clubmates. On weekends, you'll probably find me in front of my computer or TV. That's IF I'm not out with my friends or family. I was contented with my life. Everything was so predictable, and under my control. That was all before I met you.

It was my last year in high school. I don't know what got to me, but I decided to attend a soireé (which is a get together of a class from an all-girl school and another class from an all-boy school), which I've always ditched for the past years. I was probably thinking of making the most out of my last year.

We had the first soireé of our senior year, with your class, and it turned out to be fun. We had the ice breaker activity and played different games for hours, but I didn't meet you that night. We actually ended up liking different people from each other's class.

Afterwards, I was tasked by my classmates to arrange another get together with your class, and I did. I arranged it with your classmate, who I had a crush on at that moment. However, this classmate of yours couldn't come, but I still came, as the organizer.

That's when we met each other. We grabbed some snacks, watched a movie, and walked around the mall, together with our friends. We ended up talking about each other's crushes but no one dared to mention their names. However, yours was an exception since your friends blurted it out for you.

We called it a day, and went our separate ways. That was it, my job as the organizer was done, or so I thought, because it didn't really go that way. You texted me few minutes after we left, and started asking questions about your crush who I wasn't really close with. I shared things that I know about her, and gave you topics which you can use to strike a conversation with her. I ended up being your personal adviser, and helped you with the girl that you liekd. Since you felt like returning the favor, you asked around your class to find out who is the girl that my crush liked on the night of the soiree. It turned out that I was the girl; that he liked me as well. Despite knowing that, you still continued talking to me every single night, even if I go online quite late already. I thought that will only be for a short while, but again, I was wrong. It's been more than a month, and yet, it was still the same. We started talking about ourselves, and random things in our lives. You realized that I was the girl who was taking a nap on my friend's shoulder that was in front of you during the last hour of the soiree. I realized that you were the one in front me when I was forced to do a belly dance when we were playing truth or dare. We shared a lot of things with each other and became really close.

Everything changed when your classmate confessed to me. I felt that the right thing to do is to stop the late night conversations because I was afraid that I might get attached to you in a wrong way. So I left a message after we said our good nights and you went offline. I explained that your friend already confessed to me, and how I wouldn't want to get attached to you. I listed all my advices for the girl that you like, and then ended my message with a "good luck".

Since then, I ignored your messages, calls and texts, until you confessed to me as well, and explained why you insisted for me to stay. That's when everything became complicated. My friends wanted me to choose your classmate, but I was closer and more comfortable with you. However, I was unsure if I'm just seeing you as a close friend. Also, I didn't want to choose anyone because you guys are friends, so I didn't want to ruin anything. That was the situation until your classmate noticed our closeness and gave way for the both of us. Since then, we started dating exclusively despite my friends' objections.

For a few weeks, you've been giving me hints that something special is about to come. Then, on a rainy night of December 2012, on a bench in front of a fountain, you gave me a necklace that is half of a heart. As you held it up to me, you asked me to be your date for the graduation ball, and I agreed. I thought that that was the surprise, and I was ready to leave since my mom is already around the block, but you stopped me. You asked for a few more minutes, and so, I stayed.

You asked me to get up and wait for you on top of the bridge in the middle of the fountain. You gave me an umbrella and instructed me not to look back no matter what, and then left. I stood there in the middle of the rain, waiting for you, just as you said. It took you quite a while, and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. People were staring at me for I was the only one in the middle of the mall's park at that time, but I waited for you. I was about to call my mom when suddenly, you touched my shoulder and I looked back at you. You held a red rose in front of me, but didn't say a thing. We just stared into each other because we became awkward as hell. We laughed, but we didn't say a thing about what's happening, until the moment was interrupted by my mom's call. I had to leave. That's when you held up the rose again and asked me to be your girlfriend, and I said yes. As we started walking back to the mall again, those people who noticed us began to clap their hands, and we just laughed once again. My mom picked me up, and our nights ended as we became each others' girlfriend and boyfriend.

Christmas and New Year passed, but we didn't spend it with each other because our families didn't know yet what has become of us. I spent few minutes of the eves hiding in my walk-in closet, trying to reach you on the phone. Through there, we said our greetings.

Days passed and we were back in school. I was back with my usual activities as well, and time has become our first problem since I always had extra-curricular activities in my schedule, and the time for our annual dance concert is also starting to draw near. You ended up going to my school instead, even though you weren't welcomed by my friends. Sometimes, you would pass me a drink through the window of the room where I was practicing our dance performances.

On Valentine's day of 2012, it was also the same. I had to train for the concert, so you came to my school, but I had no idea that you had something planned, and one of my clubmates was an accomplice. As I was lying there on the floor, resting from a tiring dance run, my friend flashed a board in front of me that said "Happy Valentine's Day!" with a drawing of an angel and a penguin, because you used to call me an angel, and you as a penguin. I was caught by surprise and got up immediately. My friend handed me another paper that said "Go to the parking lot". My close friends saw the board, and then took the paper from me. Being the group's "baby", and them not wanting you as my boyfriend, they ended up going there, instead. I was ordered to stay at a distance as I watched them talk to you. I was just giggling the whole time, because I just realized how much my friends treasure me. You stood there in the parking lot as my friends walked back to me. They allowed me to go to you already, but they were still tailing me. They gave us some space, and then you gave me a bouquet of red roses and a box of Ferrero Rocher. We greeted each other and had a small talk, while my friends still got their eyes on you as if they're ready to devour you if you lay a finger on me. Remembering that moment still makes me smile, even as I am writing this.

The days of our concert arrived. You came on the last show, and we had dinner with two of my friends who were okay with you. It was getting late, and your dad came to pick you up. You left the restaurant, but you suddenly came back. You held me in the arm, and asked me to go with you. That's when you introduced me to your father.

Days passed and it was the night of your graduation ball. You and your father fetched me from my house, and that was the time that I really got to talk with your father. He seemed like a good man, and he definitely said a lot of jokes. After a week, the night of graduation ball arrived. You picked me up again, but this time, you went in my house to meet my family who were in the country at that time, not as a friend, but as a girlfriend. We became legal.

Just as how most seniors leave their high schools, we marched and graduated from our schools, and then it was the summer before college. The talks about universities started, and that's when I realized that you were the total opposite of me. I never had a standard for my ideal man, because I never really thought of having a boyfriend. However, as we spent more time with each other when I didn't have any extra-curricular activities anymore, I started to see things that I didn't like.

You turned out to be a bummer who just goes with the flow, winged your high school, yet luckily, graduated. I was the girl who likes having things in control, knows her responsibilities, and was able to get awards despite having extra-curricular activities every after school, which requires going home at night. That includes being able to graduate with honors. You were the introvert who didn't like talking much to people, that's probably why you didn't get my friends' consent. I was the one who treats her friends as family, and I started to regret not listening to them. Your family turned out to be in a bizarre situation because your dad turned out to be not as I thought he was, while I continued my life with my family that isn't perfect, but is definitely providing me with a peacefully environment to grow up in. I found out all of those over the summer, BUT you didn't hear anything from me. I didn't push you away, and I didn't leave.

You had to stop studying for a semester, because you didn't pass any university, while I started my college life. Since we both came from an all-girl and all-boy school, you became really strict with me since college is coed already. I felt so constricted, YET you didn't hear anything from me. I didn't push you away, and I didn't leave.

You got used to the summer times, when I had a lot of time for you, that even when college started, you wanted me to prioritize you. You were hoping that I wouldn't get accepted in my university's official dance troupe because you didn't want me to dance with other guys, and you didn't like the training schedule that lasts until late at night. That's why you didn't even said good luck when I auditioned, and you were thankful when I, myself, decided to not pursue the application even though I passed the first audition. You also didn't like the fact that I joined the dance troupe of an organization, even though the schedule was less of a hassle. You did, however, take the weekends of all my weeks, with which I should at least have some for myself. We just watched movies and played games because that's all that we can share together. My hobbies got buried, since we didn't share the same likes and dislikes. I barely had time for myself because you wouldn't give it to me. It was exhausting, BUT you didn't hear anything from me. I didn't push you away, and I didn't leave.

I stayed despite all the circumstances, but I already had one foot out the door. That was all the same, until you did something that made me leave. You know how precious my friends are to me, regardless of the number of months or years that we've been together. However, you still managed to judge my friends, and insult them in my face. You called my blockmates drunkards, wasted and trying to be like the cool kids. Just because you didn't drink, nor smoke, doesn't mean that you had the right to judge my friends. Yes, we went to parties and hanged out from time to time, but they were never a bad influence to me. When it comes to school, we know our responsibilities.

You apologized and begged me to be your girlfriend again, and I agreed; not because I still loved you as much as I did when we were in high school, but because I pitied your situation. You were basically alone in life. You had to stop studying because you didn't have a school to go to. You weren't getting enough financial support for your day to day needs. That's all that I knew at that time, but there were probably more things than that.

The first semester of my first year ended, and the second started. I continued studying in my university, while you were able to get into a college. You started staying in a dorm because your school is far. With that, I was hoping that you'd learn to enjoy some time by yourself; that you wouldn't always want to be accompanied, as if you're not as old as your age. I was hoping to get some time for myself that I've always wanted since you've started to make me your world, but it didn't happen. In fact, it got worse. You went to my house at least four times a week, and you leave late at night even if I tell you that I have things to do. I had to stay up late just to finish my school work. Sometimes, I just felt like winging everything because our relationship was so unhealthy for me because you're seeking refuge from your sadness by making me your world, which I do enjoy at times, but is more emotionally, physically, and even mentally draining. It was exhausting, BUT you didn't hear anything from me. I didn't push you away, and I didn't leave.

I was also hoping that you would start acknowledging your responsibilities since you're already in college, but you didn't. You weren't going to your classes, even if I always wake you up with enough time to prepare. You learned how to drink and smoke shisha, even though we've always had small fights whenever you don't allow me to drink. You didn't have to lecture me about smoking because I never did. It was amusing for me when you shared your experience and you seemed to have fun with your very first beer pong game. What got to me was the fact that you started cutting classes to play beer pong. You were staying up late drinking somewhere near your dorm. The worst part is having to lie to your parents to cover you up when you didn't answer your phone. I was disappointed, BUT I never judged your friends. You never heard the word "bad influence" from my me.

You were about to drop more than half of your classes, so I tried to shake you up and tried to straighten your path, but all you ever answered to me was, "It'll be fine. I'm gonna transfer to your university, anyway." It was a disappointing response, but I accepted it. I just helped you review for the entrance exam, and thankfully, you passed. Both of our semesters ended, and you did drop all of your subjects, except for one. You were fine about it since your parents don't really ask about your grades. You didn't think about the money of your aunts and uncles that got wasted on your semester.

My second year of college started, while you entered the same university as a first year student. We were both coping with the changes, because during those times, I changed my course so I was in a new block again. It was hard to make new friends, though because I only had few classes with them, and again, you would always want me to accompany you during your breaks. Your possessiveness and clinginess got worse, actually, even though we were already closer. We always had to meet during the breaks, as if it was a given. You even put "With *my name*" to indicate our common breaks in your schedule that you posted on Facebook. I felt far more constricted than I used to, BUT I didn't complain. I made excuses for lunch invites because you didn't have anyone to eat with, other than me. You can probably text your best friend who you talk to more with than me. You only talked to me when you had problems, as if I'm an open jar of sorrow.

Speaking of bank... This is probably the worst thing that you've done to me that made me lose my parents trust. You dragged me into your family's financial crisis. When your father resigned, hoping to create a company of his own, you were in a really bad situation. You couldn't pay the rent of your condo, you didn't have electricity or even water. You'd go to my house on weekends, so early in the morning, just because you can't live in your condo and you can't do anything. I was fine with that. As if, you've never made my house your second home already. The event that affected my relationship with my parents so badly, is when you borrowed a 6-digit amount of money from me, which I obviously don't have, but you knew about the vault. Your father told me that he will return the money within a month, before my parents return to the country, but he never returned it. It's gonna be almost two years now, and your family only returned 8% of what you borrowed.

Yes, the money may be an issue, but you know what? It is not the real deal here, because it can never tantamount to the trust of my parents, which I broke for you. I was always the most trusted one when it comes to money, and it was the first time, ever, that I did what I did for you, just because I wanted to help you, again. My parents were so disappointed. They said that they would have been happier if I took the money, and spent it for myself, rather than lending it to you. I couldn't rebut that the money was used anyway in a good way because I know that it wasn't entirely true, and I don't want to lie to the anymore. I knew that your father had gambling problems. I knew that he was spending it on his 23-year old girlfriend who's even younger than your older brother. I knew that your father was buying gifts for the 2 daughters of his girlfriend. I knew all of those. How? You told me, yourself, but I couldn't tell me parents. They'll be more disappointed in me, because even I am disappointed with myself. I trusted the wrong people.

I stayed with you for years even though the relationship was so unhealthy for my sake. I sacrificed my overall wellbeing because I wanted to try and help you in all ways that I could, but there's a limit to everything, and I was at my limit late last year.

Ever since we became together again after our first break up, our relationship has been on and off. I never told a soul about what was happening in our relationship because I didn't want them to think of it whenever they see us together. I didn't want them to judge you. I let my friends think that we were in a strong relationship. I also probably made their teases whenever we're together, and their image of us as my happy pill or temporary escape. However, late last year, I was on the brink of breaking down because I felt like a part of me is being consumed by being with you. Everything was accumulating inside me, and no one knew about it. I was tired of being used as a substitute for your parental figures. I was tired of being your jar of sorrow. I was tired of receiving all of the negativity in your life. I was tired being used by your father. I was tired of being your daily financier. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally EXHAUSTED. That's why our fights became frequent. I started becoming cold towards you. That's exactly why you were NOT my first heartbreak. You made me numb, and transformed love into anger and hatred. I was ready to leave, FOR GOOD.

For years, you've had the mindset that I would always be there for you, that I would always come back to you even after breaking up with you. That's why I started to condition you. I was changing your mindset. For months, you'd always here me say, "learn to do this on your own. I will not be there for you forever", and similar phrases along those lines. I stopped waking you up every morning through calls. I stopped reminding you about your responsibilities. I was giving you a cold shoulder, but I was still supporting you financially. Last November, I was ready to end our relationship, but the thoughts that stopped me are the upcoming events on December; our 3rd anniversary, your birthday, christmas and new year, which you'd usually spend in my house. So I endured everything for another month.

I planned to break up with you on our first monthsary for the year, but I just couldn't handle it anymore. On the Monday of the second week of January 2015, I just blurted the words "let's break up", when we were sitting on the couches in the library. I returned the ring that you gave me before, and as for the necklace, we both have no idea where it is after you threw it when I gave it back before as I tried to break up with you. There was silence, and then I asked you if there's anything that you would want to say to me, but you didn't say a thing. I was hoping for an apology or even a "thank you for everything", before I leave, but you were silent. Instead, I was the one who said those two words; sorry and thank you, and with that, I left.

You tried to pursue me for weeks, but I just ignored all of your calls, and text. My friends also protected me when you stalked me one night. I was firm with my decision. It was time for me to start thinking about my self. It was time for me to find that self-compassion that I've lost for 3 years. I have decided that you will be the FIRST and the LAST man who will use me.

Fate has it, we ended up in the same class for the coming semester. So I hacked your account and moved you to another class. I would not justify my action because even I think that it is wrong. Instead, I'll provide a short explanation for what I did. It's just that I CANNOT have you in my life again, even just as a classmate, after everything. You can think that I should have been the one to change my class, but I cannot take the remaining class. Although, I can choose not to take the subject, instead, but that would delay me for another whole year in college, instead of just a semester, which was caused by my change in major. I thought about it, but then I realized that I am done making sacrifices for you. My choice of staying over December, is my last sacrifice for you. I’m sorry for what I did to your class schedule. I had no bad intentions, and I hope you’ll understand that.

After we broke up, you didn’t hear anything from me for months. My anger towards you died down. There is only one thing left inside me that is for you; it's SYMPATHY. That is the reason why you're still living peacefully, and you still don't have a warrant of arrest. You know that you and your father are now involved in a legal case, not just against me, but also from different people who probably have no clue where you guys are hiding that's why they couldn't file a case against you. You have received a letter from my lawyer, not because I wanted to file a case against you, but because my parents forced me to. You ignored the letter, and you know the consequences for that. However, you are still living peacefully, right? That's because I couldn't bring myself to give the approval for the story to be published, even if my parents are forcing me to. That's because if I approve of it, the warrant of arrest will be processed afterwards. Yes, there is a new legal method that uses publications.

I’m not asking for anything in return, by saying all that has been said. I don’t expect you to return all of the favors. I don’t expect you to suddenly resolve the legal case. Just take this as the closure that I didn't give to you. I’m sorry that it took this long for me to actually be able to look back at everything, but I think this is better since I’m not writing it with hatred in my heart. Just replace those unreplied messages and unanswered calls, with this letter containing the thoughts and feelings that I've been wanting to tell you, even when we were still together. Take this also as the reply to your last long message to me. You're forgiven. In the same way, I hope you understand why I was pushed to move you to another class.

Good luck in everything.

Writing this was actually quite healing for me. It’s about time to deal with my trust issues. I’ve turned down guys for the past months for that reason, and for some thing else, but I think I’ve found someone who I’m willing to give a shot. That’s why I’ll be ending everything about us with this one. I will also take this as our closure.

“Yesterday is History. Tomorrow’s a mystery.”