Difficult to Find the Words

Subject: Difficult to Find the Words
Date: 3 Oct 2016

Hey. I’m very unsettled right now. I don’t like this incredibly wide range of emotions that I’ve been experiencing…
Where a day will feel like a year, and within that year, I spend a few months in agony over the thought of being hated by you and the next few months high off of the idea of you… But actually? It isn’t the idea of you that I want to be close to. It is the concrete—it is what I have seen and heard and felt that draws me toward you.
But I’m confused. In no way is there any obligation towards me, whether that’s smiling as I pass, texting me back, or being my best friend. There aren’t any strings tying us together in force. Your kindness is unparalleled, and your generosity towards me in particular is appreciated in more ways than you realize.
However, I feel the brick wall between us. I feel how reserved you are like a slap in the face sometimes. There is no fault in holding back (if anything, I admire your ability to remain private), though I wish I could express to you explicitly the trust that I have for you, and the trust that I know I would honor from you. There’s a great fear in me about the foundations of your reservation. Is it mainly for your own protection? For this reason, my spirit aches, as every malicious touch in your life causes me pain, and I cannot imagine how anyone could bring themselves to hurt you. I hate for you that you’ve learned to shut down in order to avoid heartbreak, for your heart is the most full and beautiful that I have ever found.
However, could your reservation be the result of negative feelings towards me, in particular? We don’t know each other incredibly well yet. It is the barrier that I fear, and I am scared to push too much and too far trying to break it down… My time with you—albeit short—has been enough for me to decide that I would love the opportunity of falling in love with you. But I will respect the distance that you desire if you so desire it. I will respect your lack of reciprocity if this is the case. Again, there is no obligation between anyone or anything besides the obligations we have to ourselves for following our hearts. And mine leads me to you. It is just so hard to decide anything when I do not and cannot know how you truly feel. I do not seek negativity, and in fact, I sense in the both of us the tendency to take joy in the positivity of our situations, though in this particular instance, I have caught myself giving an incorrect presentation of who I am due to the insecurity of my knowledge.
I do not know how you feel, and therefore I do not know how to act. I am not asking for a declaration of love or hatred, as both would be premature for us, though I wish with all of my heart that I could discern more clearly the signals emanating from you so that I can act in the interest of both of us. My growing affection for you insists that I cultivate what I can… it is in you and because of you that my understanding of romantic attachment has changed. In spite of the challenges I see, I cannot allow myself to give up loving you with everything I have, and everything I am.
I wish that I could express to you how genuinely I feel this, and how sincere I am when I say that your honesty—regardless of content—would mean the world to me.