Dear Rachel

I fucking hate you. You left me for another man. Sure, I was arrogant, selfish and frustrating most of the time, changing from career to career with no pattern or warning, however, were you any different? You don't agree to get married with no dissertation, child. Ha! I'm actually considering you a child for once. Child! Ha! I hate you so much but the truth is I actually miss you a fuck ton. All those times we went out for food, or a burger or something random. How dare you, Rachel. How fucking dare you leave me the way you did. Do you have any idea the kind of damage you did to me? Leaving me for Kevin the way you did? You don't cheat on your fiance, you cheat on your HUSBAND. That was down right dirty and wrong and you fucking know it, however, both you and I know that I don't have to tell you. You already know that what you did was wrong. Even your brother admits that what you did is wrong and I'm more than positive that last thanksgiving, if you did what I think you did, that your family knows what you did is wrong. I'm so broken and fucked up and the only person I have to blame is YOU. ... Signum, you were my life. When you told me that you wanted to be a part of my world, not MY world, you had it wrong. The point of making you my fiance was that I was so ready to give up a lot of important parts of my life so that you can become something greater than me and YOU WERE READY TO TAKE THAT ROLE. How dare you cheat on me. How dare you call yourself my girlfriend when you took advantage of that and took someone else in your heart. That was wrong and truth is, I don't have to do anything to you to take vengeance. You and I are very strong believers in karma and when she comes back, all I have to do is sit back and watch the shit unfold. Sadly, due to my recent exercises, I won't be able to see everything unfold. She'll bite you very hard if she hasn't already. Men like Kevin? I know them. Strong, clever and intelligent. I know what they're like. FAILURES and if you aren't already, you'll be very fucking disappointed with him and you'll eventually BEG to come back to me. ... I don't hate you and yet I do. You'll come back. I know you will and when you do I'll forgive you. ... But I won't accept you back in my life because I can't trust you, Signum. I just fucking can't. Truth be told, I really want you back in my life. All the times we spent together watching silly videos, freaking out, laughing, cooking, eating, playing, fucking and then there was Nova. Our child, Rachel. To you, he might mean nothing. To me he means the fucking world and you just left him. I love him just as much as I love you and I can't have either of you in my life. I just can't. He's safe, don't worry. He's well fed but not happy. He misses you. He misses us.... Did you know that he knows how to say his name now? The last time I saw him, he said your name, Rachel. Your name. YOUR FUCKING NAME and it hurt me so bad. I just calmly placed him back into his cage, which he's sharing with Little Brother, Lola and Paco and I went back to my car and cried for an hour. I can't bring myself to see him again. I just can't. I miss you but if you were ever to come back into my life, I would forgive you, but not accept you. I just can't. You hurt me beyond repair and I just... can't... Every day, it's me back in the pier. Waiting, debating about just jumping like I did that day and you called me SELFISH AND THEN YOU FUCKED HIM AGAIN. HOW DARE YOU!? I was so ready to give up my dreams for you and you threw me away like if I was some disposable fucking tissue. I miss you, Rachel, yet, I love you. I don't know why and it hurts me every day, even though it's been almost a year. Your smile, your laugh, your tears and concern. I miss everything. I miss everything about you. ... And you threw it all away.... I miss you, Rachel, I really do. But much as I do, I can't have you ever again. I love you, babe. I really do. This has been such a hard year for me and I miss you... Every moment is just another dull moment and I just can't go on at times. The only way I convince myself that I'm needed in this life is with my current job. You were my life and my love and I really hope that one day, you'll see your mistake if you haven't already an trust me when I say that if I could, I would embrace you, and cherish you again, even if it was for just one more moment... Rachel Dayle Dutton. I love you, I really do and I miss you. I hope you have an amazing life and wonderful children like we dreamt we'd have. Hopefully, we can make it work in the next life. My love, my best friend and partner-in-arms. I'm sorry I couldn't be the better man you dreamed to be in this one. I love you, Rachel, I really do.