I would like to take a minute to go back to January last year and remind you of the girl that walked into your life. A girl with confidence, happiness and self belief who found joy in the world around her. And I want you to look at me now. I am unrecognisable even to myself. I look in the mirror and all I see looking back at me is a broken and shattered shell of a woman who has lost every scrap of her soul to your lies and manipulations. I thought recently that things would be different and we could finally be friends but once again you've turned around and kicked me out in the cold, slamming the door in my face.
What did I ever do to deserve this treatment from you? I have only ever cared about and loved you but all you have ever thought about is yourself. Our 'relationship' in whatever form that has taken has been dictated on your terms the whole time and you have reveled in holding power over me. I have been a toy to you. I'm fun to play with until you get bored and then you discard me and dispose of me like I'm worthless. But it never ends there. A few weeks or months later you remember how fun that game was and you come back to repeat your vicious cycle all over again. And each time I'm broken and discarded the damage on my mind and spirit becomes more irreparable.
But you make me feel as though it's my fault. You twist everything that happens to make it seem like I have let you down and you're the injured martyr. You claim that I have problems and emotional insecurities and this is projected onto me so much I start believing that maybe I do have a problem. And then without a conscious thought I find myself grovelling with apologies, wanting you to forgive me and you throw them back in my face or ignore them coldly with silence. You have no regard for my feelings at all and you never have done.
I don't think I can ever forgive you for what you've done to me for the past year and a half. And the fact that I know how poisonous you are for me and yet I can't let you go makes me angrier than anything. I love you but I hate you. And oh God I wish I didn't love you so much. But you do that to people don't you? You've developed this knack of making people think you're undeniably kind and caring and wonderful. How could you ever do anything wrong or hurtful when you're so "nice?" Well maybe it’s good I know the truth now as others may not be so lucky.
You have always claimed that you care about me and have always had my best intentions at heart. Oh how chivalrous of you. Where was that chivalry when you put me in the firing line of accusations and blame again and again and again? Where was that kindness when you screamed in my face as I lay on the pavement sobbing my heart out last year? Or when you told me to go fuck myself before Christmas for something I didn't even do? Or even now when you're refusing to speak to me because I went onto a social media site that you don’t agree with.
I'm so angry that I have always allowed you to have the upper hand in every situation and yet again you've left me sitting here without a voice while you get away smiling at your victory in your sick game of power play. And yet I'm still trying to win your forgiveness back. But why? What loyalty do I owe you? I don't owe you fucking anything. And yet your anger and silence is killing me. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do with myself. If I could take a piece of my heart and transfer it to you so you could feel a fraction of what I'm feeling then maybe you'd address this all very differently. I want you to leave my thoughts. To leave my heart and the cells within me that you've infected for so long. I long for a day where I wake up and don't think about you anymore. I long to feel genuinely happy again and to not spend every day of my life struggling through crippling anxiety or paranoia. I want my life back.
But you see this is the problem. You're a toxic individual and I know I'm better off without you but I can't let you go. Because despite everything your good points always seem to outweigh your bad and all I can remember are the wonderful times we had. I am so so SO heartbroken. No one has ever had this strong an effect on me EVER. You got under my skin and bit by bit you've eaten away at me until there's near to nothing left. I'm a shell of the girl that met you in January. A ghost of someone who once could see a bright side in everything. And now all I feel is emptiness and hollowness and I'm in a pit that I can't find my way out of.
I hope somewhere along the line you're man enough to admit to yourself that you have done a terrible thing. And I hope that somehow karma works its way to you and gives you a full dose of what you deserve. Nothing too bad. Just enough to match the pain I've felt. But don't look me up when it happens.
