Dear my ex girlfriend's next lover

Subject: Dear my ex girlfriend's next lover
From: Elliot
Date: 7 Dec 2017

Dear Brandon or any future lover my best friend has,

I know you'll never see this but my best friend is quite in love with you. Her whole schedule is dedicated to thinking about you. I'll never understand why this is. You're an asshole. Nonetheless, here's a guide to dating the love of my life.

She's the most beautiful person I know. But she's so insecure about herself. It breaks my heart to hear the way she talks about herself and see the way she looks at herself. So when she asks you why you love her and starts a big fight. Just know that she genuinely doesn't understand the love you hold for her. Constantly remind her why and she'll eventually understand.

If you can't treat her like she deserves the world than you don't deserve to be near her. When she loves something, she loves it with her whole heart so don't you dare love her any less than she needs.

Her dog and cats always, ALWAYS come first. Remember the way she takes her coffee too, this is very important in her daily life. Don't ever pressure her into anything. If she wants something then she wants it. If she doesn't then you better back off and give her a breather or so help me god.

If she's having a panic attack, Rub her hair and give her loads of cuddles. Remind her that she has medication if she needs it but makes sure she doesn't because this girl deserves someone who can calm her down.

She's goofy and will beg you to go get her juicy juice. Just go get her the damn juice or you'll never hear the end of it. Play along with her antics and laugh loud because she deserves nothing less. Lastly, she has a heart of gold so when she loves you. Love her back. With your whole heart and whole mind. Never let that gold go out.

All my love,

An ex-boyfriend,