Dear... I don't even know what to call you...
Most people say your first child is the most special one. Because you get all THE FIRSTS. Unfortunately for you... That wasn't the case with us because 2 years after I was born and a loooonnnnggg custody battle. You decided to leave. No goodbye. No warning. You just dropped me off like any other visit but unlike the other times... You never came back.
I was two years old when you decided I wasn't worth the hassle - or worth your time. That is years of neglect and wondering where I went wrong? Why I wasn't enough for you to stay and love me ? What made you walk away from me? At this point of my life.. I know I will never get those answers from you, not because you do not have one.. But because there is no good reason for abandoning
This letter isn't to remind you of all the sh*t put me through either. Oh no. That would be too simple - this letter is to let you know that YOU WIll NEVER BE FORGIVEN OR ACCEPTED AS A FATHER!
Sounds harsh doesn't it?
But here is the thing you were supposed to be my Father. My Protector. And yet - you couldn't protect me from you. You did the most damage.. More than anyone else has or will ever do to me. You gave me trust issues - you had me labelled as the girl "with daddy issues" - YOU gave me abandonment issues. There isn't a day that had went by where I feared to lose someone else or a day that still goes by where I am scared down to MY CORE that those I love will abandon me at a moment's notice.
You did all this by one selfish, thoughtless act. By leaving me. Now I am 20 years old, two decades have gone by and you - you haven't even tried getting to know me or my brother. I have always remembered every time you came back into my life.. You would just leave again. Expect last time you did - you REALLY f*cked up.
You took my relationship with my sisters with you. A mistake that will never be erased - you had hurt me for the last time. See, I no longer feel incomplete or that something is missing. I have an AMAZING father who had stepped up, who gave me hope and love and gave me the Daddy I deserved to have. He will walk me down the aisle. He will be called grandpa by my children. He will always be my Father first. Because unlike you - he stepped up to plate and did what a man had to do.
Did he HAVE to step up? No. Did he HAVE to stay and love me and my brother? No. But he DID. And I am so grateful for that man..
Because unlike you. He isn't a deadbeat. He had never let me down. Or broken my heart. He taught me to be strong. Independent. He picked me up from where you had dropped me, and he made me into the woman I am today. Someone who is compassionate, tough and doesn't take no one's shit. So I guess in ways I have to thank you - for leaving and letting the right man be my father.
You see - there will never be a moment I am not honest about YOU. I will always tell about my outrage and how I don't understand and never have understood in my 19 years of being fatherless... how someone could ... just walk away. You didn't look back, the day you signed your rights away - you weren't only losing your children but also a life and the chance to ever be a father.
My years of living had been spent half the time wondering who you were, what you looked like and how you would maybe want me back. Unfortunately my 12 year old self was a bit naive back then - because the day you finally contacted me... I let you in. I let you in and guess what? You did the same thing.
I remember waiting for HOURS for you to come get us so we could spend March Break with you. I was so happy - excited even... but you never showed up. You have no idea - and maybe never can know, how that made me feel. Once again I was abandoned by you.
This happened a few more times. Each time it hurt - but eventually I got stronger. Today I don't hurt, wonder, cry or mourn the loss of a daddy/daughter relationship that was never there. Your lies today have affected me - have left a mark on my life and how it shaped me into the woman I am today. Someone who barley trusts anyone, because honestly if I couldn't trust my own flesh and blood who can I trust?
It is evident that you don't care. That you never have while all I did was CARE. Every waking moment the wound was open - the salt being poured inside it whenever someone mentions how they get to spend time with both their fathers. I never had you though, you weren't there for my birth - my first walk - first word - first heartbreak - you won't ever be there for any firsts. I was your first child - and yet you couldn't even be happy or see past your own selfish needs to realize the damage being done by you.
I can't explain today how I am okay but not at the same time. I am okay with you not being here - it has been 19 years and counting. But I can never be okay with you not having a real reason for walking away, for signing your rights away... I will never be okay knowing your out there using us to your own advantages when you never have been here. I will never be okay with the idea of how you can treat other people's kids with such love - yet not your own. I will never be okay with.. You. Your existence.
It makes me enraged to know you can keep doing this - to all the children you have created. That you will keep doing this. Each time you say you are sorry - but are you ever really? Were you ever ? Probably not. But you like lying to yourself, keep telling yourself those lies because somehow - it works for you.
Here is the truth though - I despise you. I can not forgive you. I will not forgive you. Or anyone else who has forgiven you. Because of you.. I have to live my life each day closing the wound that you made when I was 2 years old. The wound that never closed because of two months of crying for you - years of asking about you - and another few to know that you are a selfish and only when it benefits you - will you grow up.
The fact comes down to it - you are monster who lies. And one day - I will have more to say to your face.
19 years too late.