Dear Ben,
My dearest. My love. My heart. My Ben.
What to say? How to say it? Will you even read it?
I’ve spent the last week knowing that I’m going about this all wrong. Knowing that my actions are pushing you away: but completely unable to stop myself for fear of losing my Ben.
I’ve spent the week in a sick panic. My heart racing; my body burning up; my stomach twisting; with a horrible taste in my mouth. And it’s because in every fibre of my body I know this isn’t how this is supposed to be.
But what’s worse is that you are adamant that it is.
You made the decision and have been full steam ahead ever since. Have you stopped to think about it properly? What is it that is making you so sure that this is the right way to go for you and I; us?
Why won’t you talk to me about it? Let me in.
I know that you’re Debbie done with talking. I do. Actions speak louder than words: so let’s acknowledge the changes that we’ve both made. REAL ones.
If only you realised that changes are ongoing and very rarely are they so massive and immediate you notice them without looking. You didn’t even realise you had abs! Despite me pointing them out to you for two weeks. Or that you had less grey hair. And those two are arguably more obvious than personal growth.
You:
* You’ve been telling me more about how you feel. Like when you said you wanted to be left alone and it wasn’t personal to me – you were just having a down day. I told you that I would be here when you were ready and I went about my day – always thinking of you – and was ready when you were.
* You told me about how you don’t feel particularly paternal. It’s hard and draining. I listened to that and I understand. It is hard and draining. But you love your boys and that’s the only thing that matters.
* You’ve stopped holding back your orgasms and being so in your head about it a lot of the time. And as a result, the erection problem has mostly gone away. I don’t know if you’ve noticed it but it’s true. Our sex life (although it’s had its problems which is normal) is amazing! We both love our sex. Our connection and mutual attraction is electric. I want to touch you all of the time.
Oh Ben. How can I sleep next to you – how can I walk past you – without touching you? You’re my Ben. I’m your Lucy. The birthday sex marathon was mind blowing! You feel so good. I feel so good.
*You’ve started to open up more about your relationship with your parents. I don’t push this because I know that it’s an incredibly hard topic for you: and also because, as you’ve told me, you don’t want the information to taint my thoughts of them. But if you’d ever told me more I’d have listened and been there for you.
* Your view of perfection – thought still unattainably high – is no longer as unachievable as it once was. You’ve started to realise that flaws are ok; human; natural. And we can still be perfect to each other – ideal and connected – without being flawless. I love your flaws. And you always said you loved mine.
Me:
* I’ve started to be more comfortable with telling you things that I would be embarrassed about. You got nice and personal with those labia lumps. And that normally would have weirded me out, but you’re you. And I should know that you love everything about me. Lumps and bumps and stretch marks included. And I do know.
* I’ve started to talk more in bed. I tell you when I’m cumming. I tell you to “keep doing what you’re doing” when you’re amazingly going down on me.
* I would never have thought I would walk around naked with you, or shower with you, or have sex in the light, or have sex in different positions. But here I am wanted to spend every minute naked with you. Running my hands across you while you do the same to me. And you have done that for me.
* I enjoy going to the gym! And I love going with you. I love being part of that world and feeling like you want me to watch you and feel closer that way almost.
* I’ve been initiating sex more. Okay, not as much as you do, but I invite you to shower and bath with me more than I did. I stroke your cock more; and give you head more.
* Who would have thought that I would feel comfortable enough to take a video of me playing with myself for you!
* I know you stopped asking about the job applications; but I was telling you more about them, and sending you screen shots of the emails saying they’d received them.
Mi Corazon, I’m so scared that with the drugs you’re on and your belief that there have been no physical changes it’s too late to try anything else. That the inevitable is we would get hurt. But just what if that isn’t the case? What if this heart-breaking week is the wake up call we needed to kickstart a better, closer relationship? What if we really are meant to be together? As we always believed and felt that we were. Would we really have planned to move across the world if that wasn’t the case?
Relationships have problems. And as adults we work through them. Either by talking, or actioning through them. And we honestly were doing that. I didn’t have to search and dig through my memory for those changes.
Because of you, I am getting help for my ongoing issues. I am stronger than I was. Let it be my turn to be strong for you.
You told me that I wasn’t supporting you and listening. Initially, I didn’t know what you meant. But now I do. You said that you don’t think I know how: but this week – either intentionally or not – you have told me. And I have listened. Now I need the chance to show you that I know how to be there for you.
* I know now that I wasn’t listening. That when you told me something I got defensive. Growing up with my family, who don’t listen to me and got defensive with me, it has obviously become a bad habit of mine. But this is something that I can change now that I am aware of it.
*I know now that although I thought I was being supportive: I was supporting you in ways that made me feel supported when you did them to me. But you’re not me. You’re you. I think you need to be supported physically. In bed. Through words of encouragement. At the gym. With space. With appreciation. With praise. I thought that making sure the cleaning and washing was done was supporting you; and although that might have helped there’s more to it.
I have felt so incredibly supported throughout our relationship and I haven’t always told you. You have supported me with the therapy; the anxiety; the depression; the eating; with my family. I thought that by being there for you and your boys; cuddling you when you were down; trying to talk to you etc was supporting you. But I think you feel supported in different ways. I think that you need to be reminded that everything is going to be okay. I never judge you or put constraints on your mind, body and dreams. I have tried to support you that way: but I think that maybe that wasn’t physical and visual enough because that’s how I feel supported. But you’re not me. You’re you.
I feel supported by you because you see me and accept and love me for me. You see what other people don’t: my beauty inside and out, and you see and accept me for my darkness and flaws.
I think that what you don’t see, is that I see you too. I accept and love you for who you are. Inside and out you are amazing to me. Your darkness, your flaws, your body, your mind, your humour, your sensitivity, your compassion. I see you for the amazing man you are now and the amazing partner you are to me: even though, I think, you cannot yet see this for yourself.
I truly do love you unconditionally.
And I know that you love me unconditionally. I feel it when you hold me tightly. When you look at me the way that you do.
* I know that stress has become a major source of conflict and contention with us. We’ve been fighting and withdrawing at the same time. Feeling disconnected, sad, angry and frustrated. Stress can control lives, cause irritability, anxiety, tiredness and other shit things (sound familiar to you?) and all of this shows up in our actions and behaviour: verbal and non-verbal. And knowing all of this means that I know we can use this stress as an opportunity to get closer. We don’t need to be controlled and overwhelmed by the stress. We can hug it out and lean on each other to hold and help each other through it. You once said to me that we are not the enemy and don’t need to be fighting against each other: but need to fighting against the problem. And STRESS is the problem here. So, we eliminate some of the stress. Thailand: gone / on hold. The competitions: short term and then gone. I’m no longer stressed about my job. Sometimes you want company, and sometimes you want space. I know that now. And I can give either/both to you. When you’re feeling stressed and need support, let me show you how much I care with little touches. Let me rub your feet; let me run you a bath; let me give you a back rub; let me give you space; let me give you a blow job; let me leave you alone in front of The Impractical Jokers until you’re ready to join me.
* I know that to support you and be there for you, I need to be quiet and just listen. I have never judged you and I never would. But if you wanted to talk, or if you just wanted silence. I will give that to you. Like you give it to me. If you want to rant about Brexit – I will listen. If you want to rant about lawyer Emma and Owen – I will listen. If you want to talk about your lack of carbs and pizza – I will listen. If you want silence – I will listen. I am here for you always, and I think that is how to show you support. I will ask you what I can do for you to show you that I love you and I’m here for you.
* I know that if/when you tell me something, I need to acknowledge what you’re saying.
* I know that in times when you’re feeling insecure, much like you helped me, I should boost your confidence. Whether that be a touch somewhere, or a kiss, or a compliment: or all of the above.
* I know now that your dream of these competitions is more than you were letting on. And I am here to help you through them.
My dear, I am not saying we were flawless and there weren’t difficult times: there was. But that is normal. We both have so much love and passion for each other: but on the flip side there’s also so much insecurity and fear.
I’m only asking that you acknowledge that there have been changes.
Acknowledge that the love between us is huge and real.
Acknowledge how you feel about me.
Acknowledge how you’d feel to be without me. I know that just the thought of being without you makes me go hot and sick all over. Do you get the same? Are you so far gone away from my Ben that there are no feelings?
I want to know: do you honestly know that your life would be better without me?
Trying again isn’t to say that we would end up here again.
Tring again isn’t weak or going backwards.
Ben I just look at you and my heart fills with love and heartbreak at the same time.
I want to touch you and cuddle you.
If I tried to, would you let me?
Ben, do you love me?
We have the same goals. The same wants. The same desires. The same love and passion for each other. We both think the other is amazing and the best person physically, sexually, emotionally.
Ben, our love is true. And true love never dies.
* I know that love means compromise. And I want to do this with and for you.
Lots of what I have said over the past week is what I know and I want. And lots of that comes down to the fact that I believe, if you let it, you would feel similar things. But as you said, in order to get through this, you need to be a robot for a few weeks. But why do that? Why do you need to get through this? Why can’t we try again? As one final effort to really see if this is real.
We have seen what the end would be like. This feeling of hurting so much surely is a deterrent in itself. Don’t we owe it to our love to say, ok, one final try. And if it doesn’t work then it’s The Fates’ cruel joke.
I don’t believe that this is truly what you want. Not completely. If you love someone you can’t want to be without them. I do understand that sometimes it’s hard, and that’s horrible. But we make up and we make up for it. We fall out because we’re passionate and fearful. We fall out because we’re human. There is so much real, true and honest love between us. Why are we throwing it away? Love isn’t perfect, and it can’t be. Love is flawed and we are going to fall out. We fall out and it hurts, but the love and the good feels so much better.
But as well as knowing how to wind each other up, we know how to love each other.
We are able to be our authentic selves. We let our guards down.
Ben, let’s touch each other again. Let’s be close. Let’s kiss. And smile. And laugh. And love.
No talking. Just actions.
Just love. Our love.
