can't start a fire in the pouring rain.

Subject: can't start a fire in the pouring rain.
From: Ducks in a row
Date: 4 Mar 2016

To my beautiful ex J,
Thank You. For Everything.
From the first time I met you in the mall parking lot, I felt it. This energy between us. I didn’t recognize it at first, but as the day went on, it was clear as the sky was blue that day. It was that day I found myself falling for you, with no regards to the hell I had just been drug through from another broken attempt at love. My heart knew that this time was different. You were different. I never had so much fun on a first date as I did with you riding four wheelers that day. I remember washing off in the water hole and your beaming smile as I playfully splashed water on to you. You took me on the grandest adventure of my lifetime and that is something I will always be grateful for and never forget. You found me at a very difficult transition in my life. My heart was wilting. I didn’t know if I believed in love. I wasn’t ready to put my heart back on the line. But You, you revealed to me, myself. You showed me that I could be loved. Truly loved and adored. You pursued me. You and your daughter helped my heart to bloom again. Through the love of you and your daughter, I realized the true desires God knitted into my heart. The desire to have a family. For a very short period in my life, you two were my family. I loved those nights lying in bed with the two of you, looking up at the stars projected on her ceiling while we read her bedtime bible stories. I hated when you had to go away to work. It made me realize how much I needed you. How much Joy you brought into my life. During those times you were away at work, I grew really close to your daughter, always looking forward to our playdates. She was so precious to me. You both were. I would have done anything for the two of you.
I hate how things ended. Doubt crept in. Under normal circumstances it should have been something that we could have easily worked past. Unfortunately, we both came into the relationship without dealing with our insecurities from past relationships and heartbreaks. You became scared and I became stubborn. I needed trust and for my partner to believe in me and fight for me. God knows I was too weak to fight. I had been beaten down emotionally for too long. We both gave up too soon. I kept thinking you would come after me. You did but it was a year too late. You moved on and started a new family. I really wish I could tell you that I am happy for you, but I’m not. I’m not happy because I know you aren’t happy. Everyone knows you deserve much more than she can give you. Maybe I would be better off if I knew you were happily married instead. I am so sorry. I never wanted you to feel pain. Not even after you left me with a heart full of ache. I always wanted you to be truly happy.
I was scared when you came back into my life. I knew in my heart I was too weak. I would have taken you back. I said and did things to push you away. I hope you understand I never attempted to use revenge to make myself feel better. I ALWAYS prayed for your happiness. I’m just good at self -sabotaging. Please forgive me.
I have gained so much from my biggest loss in this life of mine. I have you to thank for that. When you gave up on our love, I did the one thing I do best. I ran. I ran to where the sea kisses the shore. The sun and sea helped ease the pain. But my heart remained broken. I convinced myself with tear stained cheeks and quivering lips that time would heal all wounds. And when time passed and the wounds seemed to cut deeper I cried out to God. It was my heartbreak that made me realize how I needed to be dependent on the Lord and to truly rely on Him and Him alone. That summer love that was so short lived helped me to seek God whole heartedly for the first time in my life. And once I stated to seek him, my whole life was changed and rearranged. I finally feel like I am beginning to find purpose in this life of mine. I wouldn’t be where I stand now if you hadn’t let me slip through your hands. My heartbreak was a pain that led me to dive deep into my heart. It forced me to be still and listen to that powerful voice within me. For the first time in my life I learned what it meant to put myself first. I learned to love and accept myself, for who I was and who I was not.
Thank You for letting me into your life. Thank You for loving me when I was at my lowest. Thank You for the beautiful memories you have given me. I will always cherish them and I will always think HIGHLY of you. You are a Strong Man with a Heart of Gold! Any woman would be a fool not to see how great you are!

The girl who never got her ducks in a row.