To The Boy I Who Makes Me Want to Tell Him Everything

Subject: To The Boy I Who Makes Me Want to Tell Him Everything
From: The Girl You Maybe, Sometimes, Remember
Date: 24 Jan 2018

I wish I could really and truly tell you everything. There is so much, so much, that has happened since we started this game of seeing how long we could go before I'd call you.

I wish I could run back to you, ruffle your hair in that jesting way, and play in the boring halls of our stifling youth.

Today, we talked on Snapchat. Which is dumb, but so are we. I actually sent you pictures of me. I wish I could tell you about how you're the only one I do this for. You're the only one I still let see any part of the real me.

I stopped responding.

I wish I could tell you how I stopped responding because I heard a song. I wish I could tell you about how it made me cry, because it was the song that I found when my cat -the only real friend I'd ever managed to hold onto other than you- died and I was stuck in a relationship I knew was slowly choking me but I couldn't bring myself to leave. The writer of that song died recently.

That makes me cry too.

It's been well over a year since it ended, maybe close to two now, but I still can't tell you about that stupid abusive relationship. I don't want your pity or your questions. I don't want to let it slip that I still love you, even after 5 years of knowing that you will never ever love me back. All these years of loving you and knowing that, but being your friend and hoping you won't move on and leave me behind...

You did leave me behind though. Now I only hear from you every few months. Maybe we'll talk for hours and hours for days and days. But you'll disappear again. And my heart will break again.

I wish I could tell you how you feel like home to me.

But I can't. Those aren't words I have the right to tell you. Not now. Not ever.