I understand that you must have felt as though you have ran out of options.
However, I promise you that killing yourself is never the answer.
To be a 23 year old and to have to deal with the pain of bringing my puking, barely responsive mother to the ER, will forever be burned inside my brain.
Honestly,
I thought it was an attention act.
You were an alcoholic, and in a constant need of me me me.
Always with a new boyfriend, always finding something new to complain about.
I didn't take it seriously at first.
I walked away at first, because I couldn't even deal with the reality of the situation.
After my sister wouldn't let up, and calling poison control, they kept calling me a hero. Telling me I saved your life for acting swiftly. However, I am undeserving of that title. I wasn't going to call. I was going to just let you sit on the couch with a stomach full of vodka and pills. I couldn't face the reality. I wanted nothing to do with it. If it wasn't for your other daughter, you probably wouldn't be alive. Just because I brought you in means nothing.
But I will never understand.
You have children, and we just dealt with a suicide from a close family friend. You saw the pain it brought to them, how could you even attempt to bring it to your own family?
You're not a perfect mother, I will never tell you that you are.
You had me far too young, my siblings much later.
But I will never hate you for having me.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't here, but here I am. And I am doing it, and am going to get somewhere in life.
I just don't understand why myself and my siblings weren't enough to keep you here?
No matter if you were successful or not, you tried to do it. You tried to end your own pain and misery.
Well guess what mom? Your own children are in a world of their own misery.
You aren't allowed to give up if we aren't.
You need to stay and endure the same hardships and pain we do.
It simply wouldn't be fair if you could walk away and we couldn't.
I can understand being under tremendous stress, feeling like there is no other option. I have contemplated suicide myself, however I will never tell you that. More importantly, I have dealt with the pain I felt, and am still alive without an attempt.
Once again, here I am, taking care of my mother.
When do I get taken care of?
While I am happy that you are still alive, I will never forgive you for trying to do what you did.
I will always ask myself why, and what could I have done differently?
Without this attempt, you may have never become sober again, and I may have never gotten back in contact with my old therapist again.
However, the cons outweigh the pros.
I can never see past this, neither can your other two children.
We never speak openly about it, because what is there to even say? I'm happy you survived trying to abandon your kids and let them deal with all of this fucking shit.
Anyway, if anyone else does read this, if anyone else is a mother, or even just suicidal.
Please know: even just an attempt will have everlasting effects on your family. No one will ever truly be over it. It will always be that elephant in the room.
Suicide is selfish, and I am not speaking as an outsider.
I have been there time after time, I have had plans, a time, and a note written.
I understand pain, being stuck, and being afraid.
It is never the answer.
No matter what you are facing, whether you truly believe you're entirely alone. I promise you, you are never alone.
Taking your own life will have an impact you cannot fathom because, yes, you are not mentally well.
While it seems like the last option, I promise you, it is not.
And when you get through whatever it was that felt like that last straw, you will realize you are a strong ass bitch.
We are all in this together, one day at a time.
You will be missed, you will forever leave people wounded, you don't understand the devastation you will cause even when you honestly believe you wouldn't.
Stay strong.
We're here for a reason.