I doubt any of you will ever read this, but I need to at least try to let you know how you shaped a huge chapter of my life.
I'll start from the begining, when I was 21 I got pregnant for the first time. I was full of nerves and excitement, but it wasn't to be. When I should have been 10 weeks pregnant I had went for an ultrasound after some bleeding. The scan showed the baby had passed at 7 weeks.
I was devistated, the emotional and physical pain was all but unbareable. But I fell pregnant again quickly and that helped to numb the pain.
The pregnancy was relatively normal other than fainting daily. I had to leave work early and spend most of my time in bed on rest. It was then that I found myself filling up my days by watching Supernatural.
I'd never seen it before, but fell in love instantly. I related to Sam and Dean so much, I lost my mum as a young girl and had an absent father. I met him for the first time at 15, but that's getting away from the point.
My partner started watching with me and it became part of our routine. We watched all 8 boxsets and then the series that was running throughout my pregnancy.
I found a lullaby version of Carry on my Wayward son online and sang it to my unborn baby every day.
We talked about supernatural baby names, from character to cast names but Steven was set against all my favourite names. Finally we chose Harry, after my first literary hero Harry Potter. Looking back, he should have let me chose Castiel or Gabriel. It would have been more fitting.
I remember getting over my phobia of needles by closing my eyes and pretending Sam or Dean was just testing me with a silver knife to make sure I was human.
At 39 weeks pregnant with only a week to go, I realised I couldn't remember the last time Harry kicked. "Movements slow down in late pregancy" a voice in my head told me, but after talking with women in the online forums I decided to call the hospital.
I sat an hour in the waiting room, telling my aunt everything was ok and I was being silly. But then they couldn't find a hearbeat. They brought me into the scan room and there I saw my baby boy on the screen. No hearbeat flickering. He was gone.
The next day I came in and they started to induce labour. I spent 3 days on the strongest painkillers available and I still thought I was dying when they finally pulled him out. I found out a few months ago that I did almost die. They were prepping the theatre for an emergency c section when they finally pulled him out.
The next few weeks were so hard. The hospital pay all the costs but legally I was obliged to register him, and arange a funeral. Of course I would have done that anyway, he was my son!
We visited Harry everyday, I sang his lullaby; we read him Harry Potter. We waited a week (maybe just over) for my in laws to get back from holiday for the funeral.
I wanted his lullaby to be played but due to it not being released I had to chose another song. "Precious Child".
After the funeral I stopped keeping track of you guys on the internet. I shut myself away from anything that reminded me of Harry, especially Supernatural.
When the 200th episode aired I watched for the first time in months. It was very bittersweet. I sobbed all the way through and when they sang Carry On, Steven told me to turn it off but I didn't.
After that it took almost a year to watch again, but I am slowly falling back in love with the show.
It will always be "Harry's show", but that makes it even more special.
To the amazing cast and crew I want to say thank you for keeping me entertained for a long 9 months. The work you all do is amazing and congratulations on Season 12!
I actually got pregnant 2 months after Harry was born. She's a healthy, bouncy little girl who is my world. We named her Annalee after my mum, and I have even sang her Harry's lullaby once of twice!
I remember waiting for a scan and seeing a woman wearing an "always keep fighting" t shirt accross the room. That was when I bit the bullet and started watching again.
I am going through another miscarriage at the minute, but with Annalee by my side and my Supernatural friends I can get through anything.
Once I loose some weight (I'm terribly unhappy with how much I've let myself go these last 2 years), I can't wait to bring her to a convention and thank you in person. It might take a few years but you are my inspiration.
Love to you all, and a huge thankyou.
Danni xoxo
