"Bad mother," "useless," "worthless," "a waste of time, money, breath, energy, space, and life," "liar," "crazy," "bitch," "stupid," "unworthy of love," "unworthy of you," and most of all, "hated." --all names that I have been so harshly called by you, all names that I have been ruthlessly forced to hear and subjected to believe, all names attached to scarring meanings that I have had to emotinally endure. All derived from and strung together by you - someone who I used to love so. With every single ounce of semblance that I had inside of me. Even more than my entire being could truly fathom. Nothing in this world hurts a good mother more than being called a "bad mother," especially when I have done every single major and minute possible thing in my small power to be the best mom that I can only hope and pray to be to our sweet child. I love her more than this life. More than this world. More than you. More than me. More than anything. And you knew that. Still, you tried so mercilessly to bring me down to a place as low as you. I never meant to cause you harm or pain. I never meant to break your heart the way you broke mine in more ways than many, so many times before. It's shameful that I let someone hurt me as much as you. It's embarrassing that I let you have that much power over my rare heart. It's terrifying to know that the harsh reality of loving someone can end with your own broken heart and even more broken mind. Something to keep in mind, that cannot be easily fixed. One thing that I have never done to you is call you names. Names that permanently damage one's heart and soul and mind. I have never been able to hurt someone just because they have hurt me. I have never been you. And for that, I am forever grateful. I promised myself that I would never let your words and actions bother me. That I would never let you see me cry. Never let you see me suffering. That never worked though. You were my whole world for a long time. But you played on that idea. You took advantage of me, willing to hurt me countless times for a girl who didn't and doesn't care about you. We both know that she only wants you when you have someone else. And that has nothing to do with love, but everything to do with infatuation. And now, sadly, I am more than able to say that you two deserve each other. She is a bully. And you are no better. For three years. Three years of my life. I let you destroy me, only blindly loving you so hopelessly and desperately in the process. I know that I am far from perfect. But so are you. We did, however create someone who IS perfect. The most beautiful, God-perfected, angelic thing to ever grace this undeserving earth. The whole of our love for each other. Two imperfect halves of one perfect whole. And for this precious angel, I am forever thankful and abundantly amazed. I thank you for her. But not for the cruelness of your "love" for me, in between. I hate the way that things have ended and I wish that there was an easier way to do this. But the truth in the morning, is that there simply is not. If I could say one thing to you - I would say this: never give up on our little girl, like you did with me. Never stop trying. No matter how life twists and turns and knocks you down, get back up every single time and never stop fighting. Never stop being her dad. Never stop trying to do all that is right by her. And never stop bettering yourself for her sweet sake. She is life-dependant on us. Literally. Though, you have hurt me in more ways than many, in worse ways than worst, and more than anyone has ever hurt me in my life as far as I can remember, I forgive you. And I don't want her growing up wondering where you are. I don't want her to feel the same void and pain that I always felt as a child. I will alwaysand forever be there for her. I will always and forever be her "mama." She is my heart and my soul. My whole life. My whole world. My every single thing. Aside from everything, as for you - I only wish you endless happy tears and smiles and laughter, and to never stop fighting to be the father that you can be, if you try, to our sweet girl. Not by lies and manipulation, but by the exact opposite - truth, the will to change, and most importantly - love. Because love is the only catastrophic and peaceful ensemble that there is. Meaning that it is the only thing that can wipe out the bad and restore the good. Love, alone, is all that can and will overcome the bad in this world. And if you don't know how to find love right now, find God, and He will help you find your way back to love and back to your little girl.
Sincerely,
Your first (true) love.
