Dear Mr. DiCaprio,
Actually, can I call you Leo? I feel like I should, given the circumstances. Should I call you Sir Leo? Are you knighted yet? No, you're not. I looked it up. Moving on.
I can't imagine the disappointment you must be feeling after losing yet another round of Academy Awards, this time with your work as a producer on the documentary Virunga.
Even when you step away from the spotlight, that little golden statue just seems barely out of reach even for a man of your many talents. And for what? Edward Snowden. You and I both know Frank Abagnale Jr. could wipe the floor with Edward Snowden and then steal his identity.
But I digress.
Leo, pal, you know how you find love when you stop looking for it? It's the same with Oscars.
A watched Oscar never wins, buddy.
I can go on.
Honestly, you were on the right track with Virunga. It wasn't about drawing attention to yourself. It was a hard-hitting documentary that had an important story to tell. You set out to help a creature that needed you and aid a cause that spoke to your heart of gold and you should be commended for it (preferably with a statue of gold).
You know awards don't matter, but you also know there was just a tiny piece of you that secretly hoped that maybe this year might be your year, and it wasn't.
And you have deserved an award time and time again, L-Di. Let me demonstrate. As an actor, you have done:
1. Several, count them, several historical figures in films such as The Aviator, The Man in the Iron Mask, Catch Me If You Can, J. Edgar and Wolf of Wall Street. Daniel Day Lewis puts on a stove top hat and he is showered in awards like a king. But does he appreciate them?
2. The challenging role of a teen with a developmental disability in What's Eating Gilbert Grape — something many other actors have done and have won awards for regardless of believability or sensitivity.
3. Overrated, puffed-up, Oscar-bait films such as Titanic or The Great Gatsby. There, I said it.
4. Beautiful, critically acclaimed but barely noticed films (Revolutionary Road).
5. Shakespeare (Romeo + Juliet). Lawrence Olivier won an award for Hamlet. Academy snubbing other Shakespeareans is a crime against humanity.
6. Gritty Tarantino films (Django Unchained). The same film which earned your costar, Christoph Waltz an Oscar.
7. Gritty Scorsese films (The Departed). The same film in which Martin himself won an Oscar for Best Director.
8. Big budget, meticulously crafted films that people still don't understand (Inception).
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