Dear Toddlers:
We love you kids. Really. Most of the time you're absolutely adorable. That little thing you do when you wrap both your arms around our necks, kiss us on the cheek, and say, "I love you, daddy"? Kills us every time. We can't get enough of that!
We also love that you're speaking coherently now. Life is so much easier now that you can verbalize the fact that wearing green socks makes you go completely insane. Sorry about that. Really, we had no idea. Our bad.
Seeing your imaginations at work these days has been a blast. It's unbelievably cute watching you use the remote control as a telephone. We wish you'd stop hiding it though. Putting it in the refrigerator was a good idea. We never would have looked there.
And who knew you toddlers were so...
Lifestyle
Dear car thief,
First off, I hope you get a hold of some tainted meth and you have horrible nightmares of spiders crawling into all of your bodily orifices. Second, while I don’t think you are as bad as rapists, murderers, or child abusers, you are pretty much dirt bags that have no place in society.
At the end of May, you stole my car. MY car, not your car. It was a 2002 Honda CR-V that was parked in my driveway. You had it 17 days until you drove it into something because you were so hopped up on whatever mind-altering substance that has ruined your life, you couldn’t drive straight.
That car was my first brand new car. Heck it was the first car I ever had that was less than 10 years old when I got it. It had 8 miles on it when I first got the keys. I took my dogs to the beach...
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Dear Richard Martinez,
We have not met, but you are now part of our extended family. It is not a family we chose, but a family born from the horrible circumstance of losing a child to gun violence—one that’s only growing each day. My heart breaks for you because I know just a little about the long road ahead of you. We have reached out to you privately but publicly we wanted to say to you and those feeling the sorrow, anger and frustration of this weeks’ shooting, you are not alone. It has helped me, and some of the other family members who lost children and family at Sandy Hook Elementary, to come together and advocate for common sense solutions to expanding programs for mental wellness and gun safety solutions. You will find your own path down this difficult road. But know that we...
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Dear TIME Magazine,
In your article of June 17, you listed Darth Vader as the third worst "fictional" father. The Galactic Empire takes these kinds of accusations very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that similar accusations from other planets normally end with a rebuttal of the giant laser from space variety. However, in his infinite wisdom, Darth Vader has ordered the PR Department to respond with the second most devastating weapon known to mankind: a sternly worded letter of complaint. So prepare yourself, TIME Magazine, but know in advance that your shields can't repel refutation of this magnitude.
Firstly, how do you define "worst"? Are you suggesting that Darth Vader was evil because he helped Emperor Palpatine kill all of the Jedi? That's not evil. That's just being really...
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Dear Sasha Obama,
My name is Melanny Martinez. I am thirteen years old and I am currently in the seventh grade at a Catholic private school in Texas. I know you go to private school too and you must understand how hard they can be sometimes. I wanted to write you a letter because I believe you could understand what I am going through. This might be a little odd and I don’t know if you will ever get to read this, but I thought it was worth a try.
My dad was my hero. He was my best friend. He has always wanted the best for me. One of the saddest days of my life was April 3, 2014. It was my dad’s 50th birthday, but instead of us celebrating he was deported.
I was so sad that he was gone because he was one of the best fathers anybody could have. But he taught me to never give up. So I...
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Dear Mr. Jeffries,
If you believe the adage “all press is good press,” then the last 10 days have been great to you. You and your brand have been mentioned in unflattering terms on virtually every television news network, in many newspapers, websites and from one end of the blogosphere to the other.
You’ve taken quite a beating. If this were a heavyweight fight, your trainer would have already thrown in the towel and ordered your new teeth.
Why so many punches? A book by author Robin Lewis, “The New Rules of Retail,” has breathed new life into an interview you gave to Salon in 2006. Hidden among your quotes we find this golden nugget: “In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the...
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Dear Mr. Brady,
Your remarks about Trig Palin during Comedy Central’s roast of Roseanne Barr were out of line, hurtful, and disrespectful not simply to the Palin family, but to thousands of individuals living with Down syndrome today, their families, friends, and all of us who place a high value on all human life.
I’m a father of a 19 month old boy (whom I love deeply) who was born with Down syndrome. Some people (wrongly) assume that he is ‘suffering’ with Down syndrome. But they are incorrect. It isn’t Down syndrome that people like my son suffer from, Mr. Brady, rather his suffering comes from having to endure hurtful comments like the one you made toward Trig Palin (which also applies to my son as well since your underlying premise was that people with Down syndrome grow up to...
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Dear Dad,
First of all, I want to let you know that I love you and forgive you for what I am about to write to you. It is difficult to talk about but it I must say it: I had known that you’ve been watching porn since I was about twelve.
And so, I wanted to let you know exactly what your porn use has done to me. You may think that this effects only you, or maybe just the relationship between you and mom. But it has had a profound impact on me and all my siblings as well.
I found your porn on the computer just when I was starting to become a young woman. Firstly, it seemed very hypocritical to me that you were trying to teach me the value of what to let into my mind in terms of movies, yet here you were entertaining your mind with this junk on a regular basis. As a result, your talks to...
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Dear Mr. Murphy,
As a gay man, life-long Mets fan, and father of a budding Mets fan, I feel compelled to reach out to you, as you have certainly reached me with your feelings regarding my family.
To me, you are a great baseball player who has demonstrated commitment and determination when faced with adversity. I have followed you in your quest to become an All-Star second baseman and truly admire what you have accomplished.
To my son, you are more -- you are a role model. I understand that may not have been something you signed up for, but for better or worse, for him and others like him, you are larger than life.
Let me try to explain why what you said was not an innocuous sound byte, but rather an offensive statement. First, I do not have a lifestyle. I didn't choose my...
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Hi Mr. Smith!
I know you’ve been telling me to call you “Frank” for years, but I just can’t do it. It seems so disrespectful, plus four decades of calling you “Mr. Smith” is a hard habit to break. Anyway, Mr. Smith, I wanted to chat with you about the emails that you forward to my dad, because he usually forwards them on to me. Isn’t it fun how you both have AOL email addresses?
Anyway, may I make a request? If you are going to forward something to Dad, hit “Forward” and then – and this is important – delete all the rows and rows and rows of text and empty spaces that come before the actual joke or ditty or IMPORTANT WARNING you want Dad to read. That means deleting the names of the people who have forwarded it before it got to you, and while you’re at it you can delete their...
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