Who knows

Subject: Who knows
From: Myself
Date: 31 Jul 2021

I can feel it getting bad again. I feel empty again. I don’t want to be here living this life… it’s a different kind of empty and a different kind of hurt when you really feel like you’re just done but are here anyway. Because you’re not one to end your life. Because you understand that not being here would hurt the many people that care about you. Because you understand that’s not the thing to do. You understand that it’s not even an option. So you’re here… when you really don’t understand why or can’t find a desire to be. It’s a different kind of hurt. One no one really understands…. So you don’t talk about it because you know how things would turn out if you did. The sad glances… the worried looks… the ones who might admit you. I’m in no way a harm to myself, I just want things to be done sometimes. But I keep going. I keep moving even though I have this emptiness inside me. I don’t know why I feel this way, I just know that this is how I feel. I’m grateful for the life I have and I don’t take it for granted… it’s just these mixed emotions inside me get the best of me sometime. I don’t understand. I wish I did. Perhaps it’s because I understand too much.