What it feels like to be me..

Subject: What it feels like to be me..
From: Adira Ortiz
Date: 27 Jul 2017

To you, (you know who you are)

To start of with, thank you for making me stronger

Let me just explain to you how and what you have done. This is what it feels like to be me..

I was a happy 12 year old, cheeky, loved life, absolutely loved showing off at discos and party's. I used to go on holiday & get up infront of big crowds to dance and sing because I didn't have a care in the world, that was passion, it was my life it made my feel good, happy and fulfilled.

I was so chatty at school and so full of charisma & hope I had massive dreams. I was innocent and had my whole life ahead of me. Then YOU came along you saw the innocence of a young girl, a girl that wanted to be loved and listened to and you stole her from herself and everyone that she loved. From that day on she wasn't the girl that danced in her living room and put shows on for her parents, she was a little girl that was being used and abused.

You took my whole life away from me, you shattered all my hopes and dreams and stole my life forever. You abused me so many times that I didn't feel pain. You've thrown bleach on me, cut me, burned me with cigarettes and poured vinegar in the cuts. You've held guns, knives and swords up to my throat and made me beg for my life to the point where I want you to kill me to end all this abuse and suffering. You have made me almost jump off buildings and nearly drink myself to death. You made me turn against my parents and treat them horribly. You stole my childhood away watching all my friends go out and have fun while I'm sitting in your living room as you show me what to wear for the next customer. You turned me into a monster, someone that doesn't have any rights.

I look at myself in the mirror, as I stare into my eyes all I see is pain, as I look at my skin all I see is scars and trauma.I get dressed every morning and as I look down all I see and remember is when you used to take advantage of me. If I look deeply into my eyes it takes me back to the scared 13 year old girl. It feels like my brain has been stolen and moulded to be under your control. I don't know myself anymore. I don't feel pain, I don't feel hurt, I don't feel anything. I've had to curl up and tell myself everything's going to be alright. I've kept this to myself and cried myself to sleep every night praying that someone will help and save me. Every night for 10 years my heart sinks and I feel the biggest pain. I hold myself and reassure myself that one day it'll get better.

I'm still living in fear everyday even writing this letter to you, your face is flashing infront of my eyes. Every door I hear slam I panic thinking it's you. You had me and the worst thing is you still got little pieces of me that you stole. You've made me hate myself, even to this day it disgusts me to look in the mirror.

You've done real damage, the only thing I long for is to get that 12 year old girl back.

Don't know who I am anymore and that's down to... YOU