To the Parent Who Chose Addiction Cont.
Recently, there has been an article circulating called "To The Parent Who Chose Addiction" written as a letter to the parent who chose a substance, and while it held much accuracy, I think many of us children of addicts felt as though there was more that needed to be said.
I'm not writing to insult, belittle, or hurt you.
I would never want to cause you pain or heartbreak. I'm not writing this to make you seem inadequate to the world. You are my parent, and for that, even if only that, I love you and I always will.
Thank you for teaching me about independence.
I waited up for you to come home on many countless nights, wondering where you were and if you were safe; wondering if I was safe without you there to protect me. There were many times that I needed a friend to talk to and a shoulder to cry on and that friend should have been you; that shoulder should have been yours. Your absence may not have been the ideal situation, but it taught me how to cope without any friends and without any shoulders. Your absence taught me how to be my own friend.
Thank you for teaching me how to deal with heartbreak.
Most young girls have to learn how to pull the pieces of themselves back together for the first time when their first boyfriend breaks their heart. You may have broken my heart when I was too young to understand it, but somehow my little mind figured out how to put myself back together and reform what was crushed when you were too busy choosing your addiction and the lifestyle that comes with it. Because of this, the first time I lost a friend wasn't as tough. Because of this, I didn't feel quite as lost or hopeless as most girls did the first time a boy broke my heart. It's something I truly appreciate now that I'm older and understand it.
Thank you for teaching me that I don't need anyone.
Many of my peers and even elders feel like they need someone. They feel like they'd just die without their husband or wife or their best friend or their pet. You showed me that I'm stronger than I ever imagined possible; stronger than any relationship. Strong enough to be a person and not only a piece of a team or a half of a whole. You taught me that I am whole in myself, and that while it's nice to form close relationships and strong bonds, I won't be missing any part of myself if those relationships are broken.
Thank you for teaching me who I am.
While you were busy choosing to spend your time with your substance rather than choosing to spend your time with me, I was busy learning who I am inside. I was changing and growing and developing into the human being that I am today, but I knew myself every single step of the way. Most of my peers are just now finding themselves; just now figuring out who they want to be. Because of you, I knew who I wanted to be before I was ten years old. I knew who you were and who I was long before anyone my own age and this has made my younger years so much easier. Because of this, I have never made myself small. Because of this, I have never lowered my standards or settled for less.
Thank you for setting the example.
There were many adults in my life who showed me what I do want to be, and for them I am also grateful. However, you have given me the perfect example of who not to be, and that's more important than you'll ever know. I've never been distracted by addictive drugs because I've watched you do it. I've never stolen anything because I've watched you do it. I've never cheated anyone because I've watched you do it. Many people have showed me how to do the right things, but watching you do everything wrong has showed me why to do everything right.
Thank you for the lessons you taught me about parenting.
Because of your choices, I'll never be a parent like you've been. I'll never make the same mistakes that you've made. You've changed my child's life in who knows how many ways. Without your negative example, I may not have had the same perspective on parenting that I do now. Without your negative example, I may have become everything that you are. Positive examples are important when you're raising a child, but you've taught me how important it is to have a negative example as well, and because I had to live through the mistakes than you've made raising me, I will never make those mistakes. I'll make mistakes of my own, and I understand and accept that, but you've taught me exactly why I shouldn't make the ones that you've made.
Thank you for loving me.
When I was a child, I didn't know for sure. Even though you told me so many times that you loved me, I didn't know if you did or not because your actions didn't agree with the words that came out of your mouth. I remember lying awake at night wondering if you ever did at all. Now, as an adult I see addiction much differently than I did before. I don't make excuses for you. I do know that it was a choice; that you chose addiction. But I do blame your absence on your initial choice of addiction, and that's why I questioned your love for me as a child. Now, as an adult, I understand that it is possible to love someone while you're choosing something else. I know that you loved me even though you were absent, choosing the drugs when I was a child because now that I'm an adult I choose to be absent from you while I choose life. There is no hate. There is no anger or aggression built up toward you. There is nothing but love, but I'm choosing to love you from a distance. I hope you can understand, this and everything else I've written.
Thank you for reading.