An Open Letter to Zac Efron

Subject: An Open Letter to Zac Efron
From: a fan
Date: 29 Jul 2015

Dear Zac:

For years, you have been invading my sex dreams due to your rock hard abs, swoon worthy smile, and your gorgeous puppy dog hair (that I would love to someday see in my lap).

I know you see my numerous tweets, asking you to sit on my face and I am sure the only reason you have not responded with confirmation is because you are afraid Perez Hilton will barrage you with proposals. It's okay, I understand.

Ever since I first met you and your super fake tan in High School Musical, my heart was stolen and I finally knew what a boner was. Since that pivotal moment in my life, I have followed your acting career. Your performance in Hairspray made me want to be a fat girl (for a second, I swear) in the hopes you would fall in love with me, 17 Again made me wonder if I would fuck my father the way I would make love to you if he woke up the same age as me, Charlie St. Cloud made me wish that my death would make you truly love me, and I'm not going to lie, a tear came to my eye when I saw you wearing those tighty whities in The Paperboy.

I also have to say, I squealed like a 13-year-old girl when I watched the preview for That Awkward Moment and saw your ass in the air with an erection on the toilet.

Now that I think of it, your filmography is kind of fucked up (minus the Disney Channel BS).

Speaking of fucked up situations ... let's talk about that thing you dated just to make me jealous – Vanessa Hudgens. I understand you both worked together and I am sure some feelings may have developed, but why her? Hell, Ashley Tisdale and Corbin Bleu are more fuckable than that troll. I've seen her bush and it was not anything special. I am very proud of you for ending that embarrassing moment in your life.

Now let me get to my reason for this letter: the MTV Movie Awards. You had said that if you won "Best Shirtless Performance," you would accept the award shirtless. As soon as this news reached my ears, I instantly began praying. It seems as if the diva Gods had heard my cries (of pleasure) when all of my social networking blew up with a healthy smattering of your chiseled abs.

I would like to thank Rita Ora for ripping your shirt off while on stage and I would also like to thank you for going along with it and fully taking it all off.

Thank you Zac Efron, you will forever be the love of my life and I hope we can be the start of something new when you find yourself breaking free of the status quo (too many High School Musical puns? Yeah ...).

I would also like to let you know that I'm housewife material and I like anything in a blue Tiffany's box (I am also a minister and can marry us at any time).

Since you are shirtless in your next movie Neighbors, I am sure I will let my eyes be raped by your washboard abs. Until then, please do the world a favor and release (at the very least) a jerk off video or a nude. PLEASE.

Love always

A Fan